I’m starting to feel like a broken record but, yes, some men like the chase. Some men don’t. I happen to be one of the latter. I prefer women who are confident enough to be willing to meet me halfway. (I actually started a thread on this topic, recently, but it sank.)
Naturally, this requires getting to know one another, as part of the process. That takes open communication, in both directions. And it takes some time, though how much varies. Hopefully, both parties will be perceptive enough to quickly recognize whether the other person has the characteristics they value, and the willingness to acknowledge that. If there’s interest, on both sides, then both parties should be willing to court, or at least encourage, the other.
But, if a woman just wants to be coy and keep her thoughts and feelings to herself, she can do just that. Because I’ll lose interest. I have no interest in pursuing a woman who doesn’t respect me enough to be honest about her interest and intentions.
I’ve met two women that I would consider to be “soulmates” for me; one I lived with for a while, for a while, till circumstances dictated that we part. The other I haven’t actually met, in person, and circumstances in that case are such that I probably never will. The way I figure it is, if there are two, there may very well be more. So, if a woman doesn’t see enough value in me to treat me with respect, well then, I’m wasting time by pursuing her. I should be out looking for another soulmate, instead.
Davebear, I was not in any way point a finger at you. You are far too defensive, dear boy. Soulmates are hard to come by, and until you find one, there is nothing wrong with having a good time with members of the opposite sex. That is what I originally thought this tread was about.
Again, this is my personal experience. Which is all I have to share, after all. Yes, as a matter of fact, I DO happen to like men who are competitive. As I am competitive (as if you couldn’t tell), and I simply run over the easy going type, and then neither of us enjoys whatever time we happen to spend together. Got nothing to do with being coy and keeping feelings to myself…I’m a lousy poker player, my emotions are all over my face.
However; to stick to the thread: Every case is different, unique, and should be treated as such. If you have feelings for this guy, Natalia, sit him down one final time, ask him how he feels about you, and specifically continuing a relationship with you, and then go from there.
If you come out if it with him, great! If not, move on, and have some fun in the process. Don’t let this experience turn you bitter. There are worthwhile men out there, as I’m pretty sure I said before, and it has nothing to do with how much they make. (let’s get that “The Rules” thing firmly behind us). Finding the right one should be enjoyable, not a task.
Since nobody beat me to it, let me say Hey Natalia, how YOU doin’?
Oh, and Jarbaby, I’ve been here a while, how long does it take for that getting-tired-of-sex-talk thing you were mentioning to kick in?
But seriously, addressing the OP, one thing nobody’s really stressed yet that I am constantly trying to get across to the //\etallibabe is that men are inherently VISUAL. We like to see things. Our whole sexual psyche is structured around that. Women are more sensual and emotional, men are goal-oriented. If you want to please us, give us a show, something to look at, wrap yourself up like a big prize that we’ve just won. Dance around, make faces, be expressive, and most importantly make eye contact.
Of course, if the guy’s any kind of a man in the first place, he’ll take note of your needs and reciprocate. If he doesn’t, well, there are lots of us out here. Move on.
I didn’t really take it that way, Maureen. I just really disagree with the whole “men like the chase/play hard to get” school of thought. There are also some things going on around here that have me a tad edgy, that have nothing to do with you. So, I apologize if I came across as less than polite.
On the other hand, the “dear boy” sounds rather condescending, given that I’ve been using that word in a specific context in this very thread. I’m probably older than you are, too.
By now I’m sure it’s obvious that all men are not of one mind. My best advice is, if you want to know how to satisfy a man, ASK HIM. We’re all different, and unless you can read his mind, you need to have some verbal communication. Personally, I don’t particularly like going “directly to the act”. Granted, men are no doubt more quickly aroused than women, and I most likely could go straight into intercourse, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather have some foreplay first. In fact, it’s been my experience that sometimes the woman likes it “quicker” than the man. If you’re worried about sex not being spontaneous, you might try asking him what he likes sometime when you’re not having sex, then surprise him with it the next time you’re together.
Sorry to beat a dead horse, but I’m gonna weigh in as another man who does not “enjoy the chase”. (I think it’s important for as many men to weigh in here as possible.) Maybe it’s just me, but if I call a woman and ask her out (and you have to remember that for a lot of guys, this isn’t an easy thing to do), I would expect her to call back. If she simply doesn’t call back, or if she continually says she is busy and never suggests an alternate date, I’m just going to assume she’s not interested. I have no interest in hounding women to go out with me. I consider that obnoxious behavior.
When you think about it, what way is there for a man to tell the difference between “playing hard to get”, and “not interested”? The behavior is really the same. Most women aren’t going to be so blunt as to say “I don’t like you”. It’s more likely they will either say “I’m busy”, or just not call back. But that’s no different than what she would do if she were playing hard to get. And if you are successful in getting him to keep trying in spite of your continual rejections, do you really want a guy like that, who’s most likely oblivious to social cues? Think about it - what kind of guy is going to think “Hmmm…she never calls me back, and always says she’s busy…duh, I guess I’ll keep trying”.
Personally, there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who lets me know she is interested. It doesn’t mean you have to come across as desperate; just assertive. You have to ask yourself if you’re looking for a man who is threatened by assertive women. If that’s what you looking for, then by all means go with “The Rules”. But once you snag that kind of guy, don’t complain if his attitudes are provincial. (Sorry Maureen, I hope you don’t take offense, but yes, you really did sound like “The Rules”.)
And I just want to make it clear that I’m not talking about sex here. That’s an important decision for a woman, and if I cared about someone, I would have absolutely no problem waiting until she’s ready.
Just my 2 cents.
Also, if I may say so, Natalia, have you considered that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be with this particular guy?
Davebear, the “dear boy” was not meant derogatorily, or with any amount of condescension (hope I spelled that right!!). And I do feel your pain, as my joy has been blown on a couple of posts as well.
Blowero; This is why “hard to get” is a lost art. There is a nuance to it. Men do it all the time. Do you think we don’t know what “I’ll call you” really means? And maybe you, personally, really do call each and every time you say it, but you are in the minority if you do. Men force women to chase them constantly. Is there any particular reason why the tables should not be turned occasionally?
You go, dude! We’ll beat that sucker into hamburger and fry his ass up on the grill.
Thank you. No hard feelings. And, yes, you get an A for spelling.
What exactly do women think “I’ll call you” means? Seriously. When I say it, it means I’ll call you. Probably sooner than I should. But, as I said, I don’t believe in playing hard to get. And, my impression is that guys who say it, and then don’t call, are not playing hard to get; they’re just being dicks. But, maybe that’s just my impression.
Really, be very, very careful before deciding to play games. Once it really becomes a habit, it’s hard to stop doing so and let him see you for who you really are, even when you want to. Make sure you’re watching what you’re doing, please.
Um…“I’ll call you” is along the same lines as “let’s do lunch.” and “luv ya, babe…mean it.” Serious? You have called EVERY time? Davebear, you are a man among men!! She who gets you is a lucky woman, indeed. If every man I had come accross in my somewhat tarnished past were as upfront and honest as you, I would eat every one of my previous posts. No salt needed.
Well, if you’re playing hard to get just to “get even” with men, because you think they do it, I don’t know that I agree with your reasoning. I personally don’t like it when either gender does it; it’s just not my cup of tea. I never said men don’t do it; it’s just that the OP is about what men want from women. I’m not really qualified to say what women want from men - I wish I knew;) It sucks when you thought someone was going to call and they don’t; you just have to pick yourself up and try again.
Truth be told, men do lots of obnoxious things. So why would you want to chase after the obnoxious ones?
Nah! I have my faults. For one thing, I guess I’m a naive dope. I rarely say “let’s do lunch” (it has some slimy Hollywood connotations, IMO), but when I do, I mean “let’s go get some lunch, together”. Like, tomorrow. And, I never say “luv ya, babe”, except as a joke. (That has LOTS of slimy Hollywood connotations!) But, it actually has some meaning, even when I say it as a joke; it means I like you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t make that joke.
As for phone calls, there have been times when women I’ve been in established relationships have said “Call me when <whatever>…”, and I’ve agreed, but then forgotten to. But, I’m pretty sure I’ve never said “I’ll call you” to a woman I was dating, without following up. I just wouldn’t say it, if I didn’t mean it. Of course, I’ve been “lucky”; I’ve had very few dates with women I didn’t think were worth pursuing. Which is not to say I haven’t been wrong about that.
ok, i am back!!! so to sort things out a little bit. first of all, things between me and him are a little bit complicated. it’s not the classic we go out on a date and he says i’ll call you and he never does. we were friends for 3 years. we didn’t spend time together everyday, but we had quality time. he told me a lot of personal things, and i did the same. there was flirting and i know very well when someone is flirting me.
anyway, i think i’ll follow your advice. i’ll give a chance to someone else…
now, for those of you who were convinced about the subject of the thread, yes this is how do you satify a man, but not only sexually so let us turn now back to that. a lot of you said that it depends on the man, i know that but if it is not TMI what do you like? for eg. do you like a woman to be willing to do almost anything or you prefer to be of low profile? do you want to make the first move or not? what do you prefer?
Well personally i like women to make the first move but not all the times. It is easier to know if she is interested or not. I like ‘normal’ women and by that i mean neither with low profile nor too out there! But again depends on the woman and on my mood. Sometimes i like to chase other times i feel really good when a woman ‘chases’ me, but if she stops for a while that is what it drives me mad and then I have to have her!
yeah i know what you mean. but sometimes it is not easy to change the roles. i mean, women are supposed to wait for the man to make the first move, which is not always the case today. however, sometimes it is difficult to take that risk because we don’t know how the man is going to react. i have discuss that with many of my friends and they all say that they don’t want to make the wrong impression, as for eg. that they are desperate and they wait for the man to do something.
Well, if you’re talking about sexually, my preference is definitely NOT for purely passive women. Somehow, I seem to end up in relationships with them, more often than not. But, I would prefer that the woman be an equally active participant in both the bedroom and the little things that lead there.
When I’m in an actively sexual relationship, or one that is heading that way, I generally do a lot of little things to make the lady feel attractive and desirable; certain looks, compliments, touching, etc. What those things actually are depends on the lady. If she’s very confident about her looks, I’ll focus more on her personality and intelligence. If she’s not so comfortable with her looks, I’ll focus more on that.
Partly it’s because I’d like to have sex, but largely it’s because it makes the lady feel how special I think she is. Everyone like to feel good about themselves. But, I’ve rarely been in a relationship with a woman who did anything along those lines for me. When I have, it’s been great!
I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who would go down on me at the drop of a hat. And, that was great, in itself. But, it isn’t what I mean, and it didn’t make the relationship work. Because, I got the feeling that she would have done the same for any man she was with. That relationship didn’t work because, when she wasn’t doing that, it felt like she was just with me out of pure chance, and it could have been any man. Not a good feeling.
In the bedroom, it’s pretty much the same. I prefer an actively participating partner. One who is “willing to do almost anything” is also highly desirable, to me. But, more important is the feeling that she really wants to be there, doing what we’re doing. I don’t mean that she needs to be extremely aggressive about it, though that’s sometimes a turn-on. I just mean showing some interest in me, my body, and my pleasure, beyond lying down and spreading her legs.
I’m generally a sensualist. I like to explore my partner’s body and it’s responses; all of it. I love it when she does the same. Sometimes I just want her to lie back and enjoy what I’m doing to/for her (while communicating her responses, of course). Sometimes, it’s nice to do the same. And, it’s always nice when she takes the initiative, in whatever fashion that may be. Anything from a look that says “I want you”, to a phrase that means the same, to taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom, to ripping my shirt off when I walk in the door.
But, most of that takes time. You need to develop an understanding of your partner, and his particular likes, dislikes, and moods. One thing I really dislike is women assuming, “Oh, he’s a man. He’s either hungry or horny, or both.”, as if that sums me up. The odds are good that one of those statements is true, but if a woman thinks that’s all there is to me, she can keep walking. And, I’ll go the opposite direction.
Is that the kind of information you were looking for, natalia?
yes, that is exactly what i was looking for. i had the feeling that relationships, not matter how serious, should be like that, but as i said none of my ex’s were like that. they liked to take a lot and give nothing. do you think that someone should give according to what he/she takes from the other person? of course this is not the case when you are in love, because then you just want to give.
i liked that you said that you “do a lot of little things to make the lady feel attractive and desirable”, this is very important in a relationship even if it is just sexual and nothing more. when i had that i was more willing in certain things.
what do you think about the ‘mother-type’ of women? and by that i mean women that are always there for you when you need them, they want to cook something nice for you, they want to take care of you, but at the same time they want to be protected by you. the term was used by a friend to tell me what he doesn’t like.
Not only that, but a man can get into trouble since this “not taking no for an answer” borders on harassment.
I always mark a woman who plays dumb games before the starting point down as manipulative. I mean, she wants to play with my head before there’s anything? I’ll just walk away without looking back.
well, natalia…can’t speak for anyone other than myelf, but i like about an hour of fun time before getting down to it…like playing
with everything and i mean everything. my wife always wanted to get with it immediately and it took awhile to educate her, but after
that waa done she liked bed time a lot more
Hmm. Give and take is another area where people vary. Some do nothing but take, as you say. Some refuse to accept what you want to give them. But, I believe most people fall somewhere between those two extremes. That still leaves a lot of territory, though.
My personal philosophy on that is, give what you want to give, without considering what you may get back. If the person is right for you, you’ll get back what you need. If you don’t get what you want/need, in return, maybe that person isn’t right for you. Talk to the other person about it. If they still don’t give you what you want/need, and you’re not in love with them, or heavily invested in the relationship, and you’re sure the other person understood what you meant, when you talked to them about this, walk away. If you are in love, or heavily invested, or not sure the other person understood, talk to them again. If that doesn’t do it, it’s probably time to cut your losses, no matter how painful that may be.
But, I don’t see it as a trade, where each person is obligated to return exactly what the other gave them. If both people are getting what they need, whether that’s a ton of attention or almost none, I’d say that’s a good relationship.
Well, it’s not entirely selfless, on my part. I do like to make people feel good about themselves, whether I’m involved with them, or not, but I’m no saint. And, a woman who feels good about herself is even sexier. And, if I am involved with her, to me, it’s the little things that really show how one feels about another person. Saying “I love you” is easy, especially if you don’t mean it. Showing that you love them is much more convincing, to me.
I’ve never actually been a big fan of being ‘mothered’, except when I’m really sick, and turn into a big baby, anyway. Then, I really like it. But, otherwise, I find it just this side of creepy. I loved and respected my mother, but I never had any trace of an Oedipal complex and I never wanted to “marry a girl just like Mom”. The kind of things I was talking about aren’t the domestic, motherly type of things, like cooking and fussing over me (Though, damn, it would be nice to find a woman who is a little domestic, once in a while. Maybe, even, one who can cook?). The little things I was referring to are things that one does for one’s lover, not one’s children. But, I know there are guys who do love being ‘mothered’. Maybe, if my mother had been the ‘fussing’ type, I would like it more.
That is an excellent point! It’s been about ten years since I was last on the dating scene. At that time, it wasn’t that big a deal. But, in those ten years, we’ve all gone a little more nuts, in terms of lawsuits and (justified?) paranoia. It has to be tougher, these days, to know where the line is between pursuing a woman who’s playing hard to get (or, is hard to get…don’t smack me, mipiace ;)), and harassing one.
