By my standards, I know my limitations. The teacher had not said anything to me yet, it was only the third day of the class.
Yes, I get that, but after 40 years of therapy it’s not helping and there is nothing left to say that hasn’t been said a hundred times already.
I want to not exist anymore. It is what I’ve been focused on for much of the last decade or so. I have been thinking about this since I was 12 or so.
No more pressure in my head, no more voices telling me how I’ve fucked up again, no more strangers telling me how fat & disgusting I am, no more listening to my mother say “oh Jason” dripping with disappointment, just no more… nothingness… quite… oblivion…
Life has nothing to offer me, and I have nothing to give.
Changing your brain’s chemistry will change how you feel. You need to find a good psychiatrist who sees the urgency of your situation and will work with you.
There are new drugs that you may not have tried like Viibryd (Vilazadone), an SSRI with an atypical mode of action.
You may need to have your testosterone level checked. This can contribute to low feelings of self worth which can easily be reversed. Some people have this condition their entire lives but it can worsen as you get older and natural testosterone production declines.
Amphetamines I think will almost certainly improve you mood, at least temporarily while you try to find a more lasting solution.
I go to a city funded clinic. I have only seen my currant psychiatrist 3 times so far.
I have been on at least 21 different medication, including Addrall, since 1995 (but not Vilazadone) none of them have done much for me.
I have had pretty much everything tested and I am healthier than one would expect for someone so fat.
I know why people say this, but why not? We all have to give up on somethings at some point. Why not life? When you have done all you can, when you had all the help you can get and it still isn’t enough, why continue?
Being overweight has myriad causes that can’t begin to be cataloged - everything from an imbalance in your microbiome due to biochemical, genetic, environmental issues or some combination of the above all the way to a variety of vicious feedback loops starting with the HPA axis.
You should however have your testosterone checked since this can be a contributing factor and if you have just has standard lipid or other panels run, it was likely not checked. It is a separate test.
I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking along the lines of “why bother”, lately. These are the best reasons I’ve come up with, so far:
Many times people “give up on” things, only to decide to try again, even years later, despite their earlier feelings that it wasn’t worth doing. Giving up on life denies you the opportunity to change your mind, later.
Science and medicine are constantly evolving. There are always going to be new discoveries and new research, leading to more medications and treatments. And if you give up on life now, you’ll be denying yourself access to any future therapies that could potentially help you and allow you to live the rest of your life happily.
I think we’ve all been dancing around what you’re talking about. You are talking about killing yourself, aren’t you?
I am not going to tell you that you owe it to yourself or to anyone else to continue living in the grips of this constant torment. I’m also (hell, no) not going to tell you that you might as well chuck it. You are the only person who has enough information to make that choice.
Here’s what I will tell you:
you are a good and decent person
you deserve to be happy
it’s not your fault that you aren’t
we care about you
Please, go do something to ease the pain your in, something that falls short of dying. And, if there is any small act one of us here can do for you to help, do not hesitate to let us know.
For those of you whose main concern is weight loss but also may have issues requiring a mood stabilizer or anti-seizure med (often the same thing), ask about either Qsymiaor about topiramate (Topomax in the US) plus a stimulant.
Qsymia has been shown to be effective is reducing appetite and body weight.
edit: I can vouch for this and I’m one of those people who falls asleep and gains weight on speed.
My experience with Topomax: First, everything started tasting terrible, like it had gone bad. But I could deal with that. Then, my vision got a little blurry one day, and the next morning I woke up and couldn’t see a damn thing! One of the less common side effects is increased pressure in the eyes, as it turns out. Not that other people shouldn’t try it - I just jump on any opportunity to share my “I went blind!” story.
As someone mentioned in my ‘morons at costco’ thread, it’s nickname is Dopomax for a reason, so proceed accordingly.
A lot of people do have a bad reaction to it. The only way to avoid the most serious side effects - and you should ALWAYS do this w/ any drug unless it’s an emergency situation in which case you should probably be in a hospital setting anyway - is to titrate the dosage. IOW, start low and work you way up over a period of days and preferably weeks.
edit: I love the drug myself since it makes me as even tempered as I’ve ever been in my life - which if you knew me, it would sound like pure fiction.
BTW, sometimes even titration can’t save you. With Viibryd for example, because it is partial 5ht1A agonist (a serotonin receptor subtype) depending on the dosage (at least that seemed to be how it worked in my case), the drug worked better than anything had before up to 20mg/day but after that was a complete nightmare.
However in my experience that type of response is the rare exception and given my truly bizarre responses to many psychotropics, I expect my experience w/ Viibryd is also fairly unusual.
That probably sounds odd, but I’ve ignored my mail box for years. its all junk and bills anyway. The Junk goes in the trash, and the bills get paid online/automatically, so I really don’t need mail. I would let it sit for a week before checking it, then a month, then I just stopped getting it at all. The mail man took it back to the post office whenever the box got full and twice left notes on my door about it. He eventually marked my address as vacant. I’m sure he hates me.
But sometimes, the mail is important. Like a few years ago, when my debit card expired. They sent me a new one, but I didn’t get it. Suddenly, I had no access to my money! I had to go to the bank and make excuses and have them send another one. I kept up with the mail just long enough to get the new card. There have been many other important things that came in the mail that I just ignored and avoided. Its easy to do that with depression. Like when I renewed my license plates online, and they sent me the stickers in the mail, I didn’t get them. Rather then going in to the DMV to straighten it out, it was easier for me to just avoid police cars for 12 months. Yup, depression logic at its finest!
But last week, I paid off my car loan early (Yippee!) but the bank will be sending me the title in the mail. I didn’t mind not getting the car loan bills, I just paid them over the phone whenever they tracked me down. But I need the title, so I have to have a mail box. So, I filled out the the little green card that was waiting for a new tenant, emptied out the junk, and today, I checked the mail for the first time in years. Nothing in it, but I did it!
Now I can check one more thing off the list of stuff that I have avoided because of my depression. There are still some much more important (and more embarrassing) things on that list to tackle, but most of them will probably involve getting mail, so I’m considering this one a small victory.
Or it could be that I don’t live within their immediate field of vision and thus do not exist. Because I don’t. I’m not willing to be as charitable as you are for many reasons that I don’t have the time to type out now.
Needless to say, this wonderful start to my week has left me under a dark cloud that I don’t know when I’ll be able to get out from. And it’s also my Monday–joy.
My last therapist told me that happiness is overrated. That if asked, most people wouldn’t say they were happy, exactly, but that they were just making it, day by day.
Don’t know if that’s good or bad. Hardly something to aspire to but cuts the measuring stick more down to size, I think.
Maybe you need to be back at the hospital. And quitting your job after 3 days? That’s just depression lying to you about you being no good. I can’t be the one to decide whether you should stay or go but sometimes when I’ve been on the edge I’ve had to think about the other people in my life and how it would affect them if I was gone. I know you’re sort of isolated and that there are only a few people that you think that really care about you, but what if you’re wrong? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I’m just trying to point out that your world, the world is bigger than it’s appearing to you right now. There are people whose lives would be negatively affected if you were gone. I know you’ve been through hell and back but things can get better. Somewhere there is the right drug/therapist/treatment/meditation coach/whatever that will work for you.
Choose to stay. Choose to tell depression that it can fuck itself.
What I just said was 100% selfishly motivated. I have been in your situation and feeling the way that you do although not for as long as you have and lucky for me I’ve found something that works.
I don’t honestly know what the right thing is for you to do. There’s no way that I possibly could. All I know is that there are people, right here on this very board, and in ‘the real world’ that I love terribly much and that if they were to do what you’re suggesting, I’d be devastated. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive right now having lost my boyfriend some nine months ago. Although not by suicide, losing him nearly did me in and to lose someone else that I care about, I just don’t know what would happen.
Which works better? Deciding that your family doesn’t value you and therefore you won’t value them OR deciding that maybe it’s not all about you and there are bad things going on in their lives too? It’s not even about being charitable to them. It’s about being charitable to yourself and allowing that you do matter to them, it’s just that something is getting in their way when they need to express that.
That’s one of the problems with depression. Not only does it distort thought patterns, it also distorts emotional reactions. Your perception of their behavior may not be objective or accurate.
I understand that, but there needs to be some place you can talk about your thoughts and feelings without censoring yourself. So long as you’re not actively planning your death and have both the means and opportunity, you don’t belong in a psych ward.
I am trying to decide whether I was better off being depressed or being unhappy. I have no intention of ACTUALLY going off these meds. I feel like a whole human being for the first time in 15 years.
(Aside: I am actually on an anti-psychotic. Psychiatrist thinks I may actually have been reacting to schizophrenic symptoms with depression. Given the turnaround, I have to think he may have been right… ETA: does that mean I have to leave the thread?)
