Oh, okay. That makes way more sense.
And no, you don’t have to leave the thread. 
No, you stay put! It actually fascinates me how much overlap goes on between different mental health issues. Between that, and the fact that many physical problems (thyroid, for example) can cause some of the same symptoms as psychological ones, it’s a wonder anyone ever gets a correct diagnosis! I’m still waiting to meet with a new psychiatrist, but I told the doctor who is referring me that I want the psychiatrist to treat me as a blank slate, and diagnose me himself, instead of assuming the problem is MDD alone, without exploring the idea that the depression could be a symptom of some other disorder. Not that I’m hoping for another illness- I just want to start over with fresh eyes, with this doctor. My father had schizophrenia, my mother had who-knows-what, and I worry about how my genetics could complicate things. Somebody tell me if I’m making any sense, at all.
I should have given my therapist the benefit of the doubt. She was true to her word, and didn’t try to make me talk about anything I’m not comfortable addressing, yet. And she’s the first one I’ve seen who was actually capable of keeping me talking for an hour. She might be a keeper.
For people who don’t fit snugly in any of the classic pigeon holes and even for ones who do but end up being what’s known in the trade as being ‘treatment resistant’, intelligent experimentation is your only prayer and for that you need someone who keeps up with the current research or you need to make some attempt at it yourself.
BTW, ‘treatment resistant’ just means we’ve diagnosed you with X and given you every drug and drug combination used to treat X both on and off label and you don’t respond the way your supposed to - BAD PATIENT! BAD!
This is where I’m at, and why I want to be certain that what I’m being treated for is my full and accurate diagnosis, before starting any new treatments with this new psychiatrist.
Speaking of treatments: I jokingly asked my doctor for a lobotomy, and he brought up the subject of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Anyone have experience with this? I think I remember someone mentioning it, but it’s a big thread and “ECT” is too short for a search. The potential for it to cause permanent memory loss is what scares me, in particular.
There are better alternatives but they don’t have the track record of ECT so there may be some reluctance. Also, finding a facility could be an issue especially with the last one, but I don’t know.
In general, what we’re talking about is called transcranial magnetic stimulation. Here is an NIH paper on it from last month. The normal type is refered to as that - TMS - and involves using an oscillating magnetic field to induce a very localized current in your brain.
W/out trying to give a physics lesson (and to be honest this bit never really made sense to me anyway), magnetic fields and electric fields go hand in hand. It’s why you can put your electric toothbrush in it’s holder and have it charge. The base generates a magnetic field and the device converts that into electricity to charge the battery.
There is another type of TMS which is really the same thing except that a much stronger field is used that generates a current strong enough to cause convulsions - just like ECT. However from what I recall, this is more gentle since it is more localized and I think less intense. You’ll really need to read up on but I think it is preferable.
This type of TMS is called MST (magnetic seizure therapy and is referenced in the paper).
However TMS alone has been FDA approved for depression, the only problem is, from what my shrink (psychiatrist) says, people seem to have a hard time getting insurance coverage. IDK. I would at least look into it. He said he seen the full range of results from meh to great. He did seem to think there might be some issue as to how long the effects last, but again, it’s a drug free alternative that’s worth checking out.
Here’s a link to a popular press article about a Duke study. Not much detail.
Checked my Evernote repository and got zip - about which I’m disappointed. 
Hey guys. Long-time depression sufferer here. Sorry I haven’t clocked in, but I’ve felt like I haven’t had much to say.
Been reading your posts, Foggy, and if you’re okay with it, I’d like to share a couple of things.
First of all… Been where you are. Not that long ago, either.
Secondly, I realize that what got me out of it may not get -you- out of it. Everyone’s pain is their own. But I’ll share.
When I had my first depressive experience I was seven years old. I became suicidal. I had no idea how to even put into words how I felt. It was miserable.
At the time, one thing I wanted more than anything in the world was to be like my older brothers. I guess almost every kid who has older siblings has that at one time or another.
One of the marks of being ‘older’ was to stay up late and watch TV. In particular, my brothers watched ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’. And one night I was allowed to stay up and watch.
The episode… Was odd for a sitcom. A girl was out on a ledge, about to jump, and Arnold Horschack, the nerd of the group (when ‘nerd’ was still a social pariah label) climbed out to talk to her. He said (in a nutshell) ‘There are days that I feel like nothing is ever going to be good for me. Days that I think that I’m worthless and hopeless. Days that I can’t do anything right. And I feel terrible. But then the next morning comes, and maybe it’s better. Maybe it isn’t, but maybe it is.
I can’t help but think what would happen if I didn’t give tomorrow morning a chance.’
The lines made me realize that there’s always a chance. Yeah, when I’m in my depression, I tell myself, “No chance. Tomorrow will be as terrible as today. Things will never change.” But I always give tomorrow that one more chance.
Jeez. Now looking over this it sounds glurgy. So I’ll add this:
Depression is the enemy. It’s an enemy that knows you inside and out, and absolutely will not fight fair. It will rip you to pieces, and keep kicking you when you’re down. It will -not- be easy to fight against, because it can control your willingness to fight.
But every day that you live on is a victory. Every night that you go to bed, you can say, “Screw you. I lived. You didn’t beat me.”
I spent a long time with that as my mantra. “I lived. You didn’t beat me.”
It took me years to get to the point that I could do more than that, but believe me, it’s worth the struggle. Don’t give in. Fight this. I know you think you can’t, but you can. We’re all here to help you, and will give you whatever support you need. Because you can do this.
I know you can.
Give tomorrow a chance. Don’t let the enemy win.
That’s the only thing that’s kept me going sometimes. I want to see what happens next. Sometimes it’s a faint hope, but it’s always stronger than the suicidal impulses, if barely.
I’m pretty awesome. I know this. Its when I don’t live up to my high expectations that I feel like crap, even though I did well enough.
I’ve spent decades pushing myself to be beter and smarter. I know that I can accomplish so much more, and it has become harder and harder every day to keep up that pace. Its hard to accept that just getting through the day is a victory, that its a satisfactory performance in this game of living. But yo are right, it is just fine. Each day is a new game, and so far, I am undefeated.
Thanks for the fresh perspective, ArrMatey!
I wonder what’s worse on the ego. Hating yourself for not being as good as you think you could be. Or hating yourself for not being as good as everyone else.
I guess both of your statements apply to me. I never thought of myself as having an ego.
But my post really came off very egotistical, huh. I’ve always had very high expectations of myself, and as a kid, I just assumed everyone was exactly like me. But while I was stressing out over grades and worrying about wether or not other people liked me, everyone else was just living life and being content, and learning how to be social and successful. Now, I feel like everyone else has a 32 year head start on being normal over me. I worry about what other people think about me… probably too much… in fact, I think I am writing this post because I came off really cocky in my previous post.
Today, I am just trying to be happy. I’m just trying to look on the bright side of things, and not beating myself up for not keeping up with my unattainable goals.
I knew this in my gut going into it, but getting drunk in a hotel room in a fairly unfamiliar city by one’s self does not help one forget their problems. Thankfully I’m out of food, but still have a couple more high-ABV IPAs. Maybe I’ll just pass out soon.
Oh wait, there are still a few Pepperidge Farm cookies left…
Well, look at this way. At least you’re still optimistic enough to belief things will work out for the best rather than otherwise even if the actual odds happen to be in disagreement. 
I was a late in life baby. I’ve watched great grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and parents die. I sat bedside even as a child and held their hands and wished on their way every time I could, because i’d literally had it pounded into me for as long as I can remember that their time in my life would be a blink.I have one brother who is older by twenty years…my clearest memories of him (keep in mind he’d be 29 saying this to a nine year old) was mom and dad should have aborted me like the drs wanted, that they hated me because my birth ruined their retirement plans, that I had better hope I got a good foster family when my folks died in a couple years because he wasn’t taking me in, and a set of hand shaped bruises on my arm that lasted over a week
when mom died last year ( I had been living, still am, in a trailer park next to her to take care of her, he lives in a literal mansion and drives sports cars over 100 miles away in an upscale area of a big city, I’ve been tempted to post his photo in the “what is misogyny” thread, along with “:see narcissist”) After her death I then started hearing shit that he wasnt sure I wasn’t illegitimate (he’d been stationed in korea when I was born, wish he was there now or had stayed there.)
My mother left me with a modest trust fund and rather than make the bank the trustee as I’d asked (which they charge a fee for) she made the bastard the trustee. The person who kept me from seeing my father before he died and kept me from attending his funeral. Whom I had completely cut out of life, now he is all there is and all to thoroughly tangled in it.
For my whole life I put up with his abuse so that he wouldn’t upset mom. He thought I was afraid of him. Once she was no longer here to be his shield, he learned different. we have the same spinal disease that causes disabilities but I’m 20 years younger, angry, life has taught me to be one RUTHLESS fucker when dealing with bullies and I know everywhere he’s had surgery. He put hands on me and learned not only am I not afraid, but that he should be.
there are people on this earth I’ve never seen face to face that care for me and are “family” and have done things for me genetic family never would have. I have not spent a holiday dinner alone since moms passing because of the kindness of someone I had barely met before her passing, and the openheartedness of her folks. I sure didn’t get an invite from the male genetic sibling or his offspring.
fuck genetics. its not easy, but you can find family of the heart with some searching.
My oldest sister is ten years older than me. My older sister is seven years older. I’ve not really been close to either of them since they went to college when I was eight and eleven. I went through a lot of health crap when I was in my early adolescence that I’m sure they don’t understand. I don’t understand the normal life they had. I’ve never been like them and never will be. At least they accept that. However, I don’t really have sisters. There are two other women who share the same parents I have.
I’ve been alone pretty much all my life. That’s just how it is. That’s how I operate.
oh look, my life.:D:smack:
only time I ever attempted suicide (and I don’t remember half them) was while on ssri/ssni’s but I’m a baaaaaaad patient because I won’t try new ones now. (in the past someone lived with me and stopped me, I live alone now and sorry you can call me bad all you want, I’m not playing russian roulette with a loaded gun and no supervision and what are doing with a license pushing such things knowing that history?)
funny though, they never try to put me on anti psychs anymore, all three previous times resulted in my showing up in offices flipping out about how wrong I felt and trashing everything. (five foot five woman flips 200+ lb oaken desk across room, see film at eleven)
we’ve since found a lot of it is my biochem is way fucked up. no thyroid, too much of these hormones, not enough of those, they’ve even imaged my brain a dozen different ways (CAT,EEG,MRI,etc) trying to see if all the receptors in my brain are malformed or something because any drug that involve brain receptor either blows up, does nothing or does something weird
my ex MIL had ECT in the 70-80’s thet left her seriously screwed up
I have mention before that I have a plan to end my life. It works at the beginning of the month and here we are. I think about it every month, more so some months like now. I wanted to kill myself since I was about 12, and yet goddamn it I’m still here 40 years later. I don’t want to hurt my mother or Lincoln, but I also don’t want to do this dance for another month, not again. I will have to do grocery shopping on Friday. I hate that. No really, really hate that. I’m often at the point of tears in the store.
I’m going to kill myself because I hate grocery shopping. Ha-ha, lamest reason ever! No, I won’t do that.
Just so bloody tired. If it wasn’t for the fire alarm going off at 2am Saturday, I would not have left my room for the past week. I have been sleeping a lot the last 2 weeks or so. When I open my eyes, I feel instance disappointment. I hate the way I feel, I hate myself, always have. I wish I could stab myself and watch the blood drain away, but I don’t have what it takes to do that and besides it would be messy. I don’t like messy.
I have Men’s group on Tuesday & I see my shrink on Thursday. I don’t know what to say/ask that hasn’t been said/asked a hundred times before.
I collect, paint, and use gaming miniatures. I’ve been doing this since early college, 20 years or so. I have 1000s of minis. I used to paint all the time, for hours on end. I’ve awards for my minis.
And I haven’t done any serious painting in a long time. I just don’t want to. When I try to get myself to paint, it feels like something I’m obligated to do, something I have to do, which makes me resist it. I have all these minis sitting on shelves and I can’t bring myself to touch them anymore. I’m just not interested, I just don’t care. Every time I see them in my gaming room I remember what it used to be like, and I try again to paint. But it never works.
I’m supposed to be painting minis for a Pathfinder game I’m in. I haven’t even touched them yet. I want to paint again. 
I am so glad that your therapist seems to be working out. I hope it continues.
I just had my fifth-year anniversary with mine. Every time I see her I kinda think she’s going to tell me she’s done as much as she can do for me–which makes me feel insecure and afraid. But she never has. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a steady income stream (I doubt it since I don’t pay full freight) or if I’m the kind of client who just doesn’t work on her nerves too much. Either way, I’m glad that I get to work with her. It has been a positive experience and it has gotten me through some bad times.
Sometimes I wish I could compare notes with someone else about their therapy. I have no idea if mine is “good” or if her approach is typical. Sometimes it doesn’t seem that way at all. Sometimes the whole thing seems surreal even after doing it for five years.
depressed. angry. manic. horny. angry. volatile. more depressed than before ANGRY. physical health is crap. medications poisoning me. worried i will go out looking for a fuck while manic - last time i did that i got raped and hospitalised. i cycle realllllllllly quickly. can start out depressed as all hell in the morning and be off my tree by arvo. i force myself to take the bunny out for a walk at least once a day. yesterday we ran the entire distance. i think that is what set me off last night. i am also teaching her to jump really cute little jumps (YouTube rabbit hopping?). no one knows why is happening to me physically. so fucking humiliating. got tests booked but 10hr round trip to hospital and fuckers want each test on separate days/weeks. 40hrs of travelling for 4 tests. have been on phone to hospital now for 20 minutes at $1/minute. we apologise for the delay a staff member will be with you shortly we a…