So finally got through. No we can’t help you transfer to another department where I have to leave a message.crap.
How are you doing, madrabbitwoman? I was coming her to complain about my hypomania making me jittery and irritable all weekend, but I think it’s clear that in the grand scheme of things I got off relatively essay. Things getting better?
I just checked my meds and I have too many pills left. It seems I missed more days than usual. I’m not sure if the meds help much, but even I know they can’t help if I don’t take them.:smack:
Oh, I also forgot to get some blood work done. :smack::smack:
ECT isn’t what it used to be, now that we understand more about the brain. It’s not a decision to enter into lightly, but for severe depression, modern-day ECT is probably the single most effective short-term treatment. There are some side-effects, but they usually aren’t as serious as most people assume. The main issue is that treatments require the patient to be under general anesthesia which can be problematic in itself. While memory loss may be an issue, it’s short-term memory in particular that is affected - so you might not remember a lot around the period of time that you got the treatment. It’s not like you would wake up from a round of ECT and suddenly forget who your best friend in 4th grade was or the name of your husband. Again, it’s not a decision that should be made casually. But there is a lot of misinformation and fear-mongering out there about ECT. The side effects are very real, but so are the long-term effects of severe depression on the brain. It’s a calculated risk assessment.
ECT: What You Can Expect
I have never had ECT, but I’ve seriously considered it. After doing TMS, really the only thing that made me hesitate was the expense and the thought that after spending all that money, it might only be a temporary fix.
I’m depressed today, which annoys me, because I’ve been trying to do things right. I made myself a big vegetable salad for lunch, but right now all I keep thinking is how much I would like to devour a bag of oreos. I have to go get my medication in about an hour and I’m not even dressed yet. You know what’s also at the drug store? A million junk foods to tempt me.
My biggest stress right now is I have such a hard time staying on task with work, especially when I work from home. I just want to do better, and I’m not doing better.
**Foggy,**don’t underestimate how much missing your meds could be impacting you. I find that even when I’m a little late with mine - even if I take them on the same day - it throws me out of whack. Like today, I usually take my pills in the morning and I’m just doing it now. Which is why I’m probably so depressed. If I miss two or three days then I become downright suicidal - it’s very dangerous.
Yeah, I’ll back Olives up on that. I miss days far too often. Sometimes I realize it (crap! I forgot my meds!) and sometimes, I have no idea until it’s obvious that I have too many pills.
The only thing that really works for me is to stick to my morning routine like superglue.
My husband has basically nagged me into using one of those daily pill reminder cases. I complain, but it works. (Exhibit A: I didn’t refill my pill case on Sunday and look where I am now.)
Doc referred me to a psychiatrist and faxed the paperwork on 4/22. Have not heard from them yet. Called and was told I’ll just have to wait for the office to contact me. Checked out my health insurance website to see if ECT is a covered treatment (thanks for the info, btw). Couldn’t find anything, so I emailed them and asked. A week later, I get a response- that I should call and speak to a representative. HELPFUL. :rolleyes:
Back to work on Mon. 
Scared.
I’m glad you’re moving forward, even if it’s slower than you’d like.
Yesterday I missed my pills. It was one of those stupid situations where I had to go to the pharmacy to get them, but because I didn’t have them, I struggled to go to the pharmacy. Plus I’ve been feeling bad all week. Just bad. Some kind of stomach thing. Meanwhile the dishes piled up and I procrastinated on my work. Oh, man, my procrastination has gotten really severe lately.
This weekend I’m going to chaperone some teenage girls on a work-related retreat to the shore (a house right on the beach), and I want to be excited about it. I have to do the driving because I’m the only one who knows how, and I find driving, particularly in unfamiliar situations, to be stressful. I’m just so tired, and my mood hasn’t really budged. I’ve done my workouts as bidden and have stuck to the nutrition plan, but I’m just in rough shape anyway.
Sorry I’ve been too busy with the new job and coming home and recovering from the new job to post here lately, but I just wanted to give everyone a big hug.
{{{{{{YOU}}}}}}
I’ve bottomed out a couple times, once to my younger son which I feel bad about but he kept asking. A live human being caring is unnerving to me.
Mostly we’ve been busy with the house for the appraisal and “busy” has been good. We want the reverse mortgage because it pays off the existing one, but you only “get” 55% of the value. So the appraisal has to be double the amount you actually need. See why I’m concerned?
But when this is over, however it goes, it’ll just be something else. Or I’ll be depressed because there is nothing else. I need some better coping skills. I’ve heard a lot about CBT in these threads. Is there a book about that, and would that be something that could help?
I can recommend my favorite mental health book, which actually has been shown in studies to be as effective as therapy.
Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time.
It is based on behavioral activation and helped me a lot.
I FEEL SO BAD. Nothing I do seems to make a difference. I’m supposed to be entertaining these kids and giving them hope for life. I feel dead inside. And I want to cry. If I had privacy I would just have a nice big bawl and probably feel a little better. But I am at work, and will be surrounded by people until Sunday. I hate that trapped feeling, like you can’t just go hide under a rock, you have to suffer in plain sight while trying to keep a positive face on things.
Hang on olivesmarch4th! And thanks for the recommendation.
Well, I’m pleased to report the work retreat thingy did some good for my mood. Got some fresh ocean air, was quite active, and even played hide and seek with the girls (the house we were staying in was huge.) I felt young for a minute there.
I had some depression on the drive home today but for the most part my mood seems to be stabilizing.
I’m glad you’re feeling better, olives.
Sometimes it’s the little things that can twist the mood, for the good or the bad. I became totally sick on Friday afternoon. Nausea BIG TIME. I let my mind go to dark places as I lay in bed, and I started hating myself for being ill-equipped to handle physical incapacity. I didn’t have any sick-people food, medicines, and only the barest amount of toilet paper. I kept thinking about how if I died, no one would know about it for a real long time. And how I wouldn’t want anyone to find me anyway, because my house is a mess!
I felt a lot better physically on Saturday, but emotionally I was still in “sick” mode. I didn’t want to do anything. But 12:00 rolled around and it was time to go to yoga.
Everyone was so nice to me. The receptionist was extra friendly with me, and my favorite instructor was all “hello, monstro!” My second-favorite instructor (who’s teaching the class I’m taking) praised my work ethic and made me feel like I’m improving. An old guy in my class told me he was going to Chicago and recalled from a conversation a long time ago that my grandmother lives there. And my therapist is in my class, and as usual we connected. Despite not really feeling well physically, it was one of the best classes ever just because I realized how much I’m getting out of the experience. Like, I actually belong somewhere. And people aren’t seeing the “fake” me, but the real me. The me that I don’t like very much, but they don’t seem to care.
I hope I can remember the feeling.
Oh, gawd - back to work in six hours. Deep breaths.
I have often wondered if I wouldn’t be better off in a care facility of some sort. It seems that I’m having trouble taking care of myself, just doing the basic stuff.
It would be nice to not have to grocery shopping and to have my meals prepared for me on a regular schedule, as well as being healthier than the cheap junk I eat.
I made a list of things I need to take of care today, and all I want to do is to go back to bed.
:: off to take an over due shower::
Don’t count on that. When I was on the psych ward, there was a communal kitchen for us to use to prepare our own food, and eat. Regular meal service wasn’t offered. Like I wanted to leave the safety of my room, mingle with the other patients, and have an audience while I ate? I had one piece of fruit, which I smuggled back to my room.
I’ve been particularly lethargic for weeks now. Haven’t been out of the house since late last week and that was just to walk out to the mail box. All I’ve managed to do the past couple of days is watch all 3 seasons of Downton Abbey.
It seems that the only time I have any motivation is when I use the testosterone gel but that makes me overly aggressive however if I don’t use it I just become a complete slug, even when taking an obscenely high dose of amphetamines.
So I use the gel for a few days, get a surge of motivation get some things done, act like an asshole, stop using it and then spend the next few weeks living under a rock. Currently the house is in such disarray that I don’t even have rat paths like I normally would around the piles of crap that need to be thrown out, stored, recycled, etc. No. Instead it’s more of an obstacle course with a box to climb over here or a pile of cardboard there. I could easily move them out of the way but it seems to be just too much effort.
So I’m finally going to break down and have my doctor show me how to use the injectable testosterone. It scares the shit out of me, but it’s the only way I know that I can get a consistent effect without the highs and lows that are causing the current undesirable side effects. I just have to hope that starting with an extremely low dose and tritrating up over a period of months will allow me to control it adequately.
I don’t think I need much of a boost to get back to something approaching normal. It just needs to be a small consistent increase - at least my experience with gel has made me fairly certain of that. We’ll see. I’ll start this week some time so keep an eye on my posts and if I start to behave like an asshole, please point this out to me. I’ll try to remember to put a few of you on my contact list. At present, I only accept pm’s from staff and contact.
Allie of Hyperbole and a Half brilliantly verbalizes her adventures in depression. Her insight is, well, very insightful. I think the most meaningful bit in the first post is this:
“But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work.”
This is something that people without depression simply don’t seem to understand, and then they become as irritating as the people she describes in the second post.
If you think reading about another person’s experiences with depression might be triggering, you probably shouldn’t read these. But then, you probably shouldn’t be in this thread in that case either.
I’ve figured things out. The only way for me to keep going is to not think about anything but the numbers on my spreadsheets, the dishes in the sink, feeding the cats, and my artwork. If I stop to contemplate deeper questions, especially those involving the future, then I’ll become depressed. I just need to embrace my inner automaton. My life will become easy once I do this.
“Don’t compare yourself to other people” is a fine thing to say when you’re not in an inferior position. I wish people would stop telling me this.