SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
601

Aw fuckit. I am so damn protective of myself I just can’t admit things, and its just not working anymore. So I am joining this thread.

I have been acting fine fine fine but I have been off work since January, due to lack of focus, inability to complete my work, just beeing off and distractable and “unsafe to practice.” This is devastating for a nurse… a psych nurse none the less!

I got treated for depression, a mixture of medication (escitalopram) and cognitive behavioural therapy and things were working. Improving anyway. My psychiatrist could not believe the difference. Then the arbitrary deadlines of work arrived and I went on a graduated return to work two weeks ago.

The first week, four hours. It was great. The only problem? Neither my direct supervisor nor my operations leader (who put me off work back in January) were around. I had no feedback.
The second week was a lot harder, three shifts of six hours, then two of eight. By Tuesday I realized I was having trouble. Wednesday my co worker through a lot of errors in my face …expectations she had of me and I did not. Thusday I finally had a meeting, my operations leader gave me a list of about 10 things I did wrong that week, and put me off on Long term disability.

I went into a rapid roller-coaster of rage and helplessness, hopelessness and anger. I was doing so well!

That night my dad had a massive angina attack and ended up in hospital. Because I was in such a state and had some wine (two glasses! I am even a failure at being a drunk!) I took two hours of busses to go see him and a 40 dollar cab home later. I spent the weekend on autopilot, because I had some big family things to attend to.

Yesterday I saw the psychiatrist. He did a quick screening for ADHD. He thinks I have it, and wants to try me on dextroamphetamine and do some charts to see if it is working. I also have an email address for him and am to email him three days into trying it.

Part of me has always wondered if I possibly had ADD/ADHD but the questions were so subjective I thought… oh everyone must feel like this. Ive read a bunch of articles on here too by people with ADHD and I have to say everything I read sounds like me.

Now I feel like a bigger loser not noticing this before age 43.

I’m trying to remind myself that I made significant gains in mood and reacting to situations over the last 4 months and all is not lost. But it sure feels like it, I feel like I am back at square one and I can’t quite get past the rx in my hand for dextroamphetamine.

Ugh.

602

I’m just sick of people implying that depression is some kind of moral weakness, an absence of faith, laziness, or the state of being spoiled.

Those who haven’t been through it don’t have a clue what it’s like.

603

It isn’t and I tell everyone this over and over. I am a nurse, I know depression is a real thing. I have enormous empathy for people who have it, and make them try to understand that they are not flawed people, they have a real illness.

The only thing is, I can’t extend this compassion to myself.

fmlfmlfml

604

And should I start a “So It seems I have ADHD…” thread or not. I really can’t deal with deniers now, when I am trying to accept that I may have it.

605

I’m here. I’m struggling with my physical health right now which means, by default, I am also struggling with my mental health. I’m listening, just not feeling up to talking.

606

Sorry to hear that olives… being physically ill sucks when you have other stuff to deal with too.

607

Update: my meds continue to make me feel like a whole person. A whole person in the wrong life but that is better than not feeling at all.

However, my psychiatrist (the one who prescribed the wonder drugs) wants me to switch to a vegan, gluten-free diet because he thinks it will solve all my problems.

Um, yeah. That’s what I need. Do you know how hard that would be to integrate into my already insane life? What is it with me finding the wackos?

608

[QUOTE
However, my psychiatrist (the one who prescribed the wonder drugs) wants me to switch to a vegan, gluten-free diet because he thinks it will solve all my problems.QUOTE]

This reminds me of a part of this blog that I’m going to post because I used to get all sorts of advice from well-meaning people that was just crazy for my situation (and changing my diet was one of them). Don’t get me wrong, I believe changing your lifestyle can be crucial, but I’ve experimented with all sorts of wholistic methods (and my enlightened doctor supported me) but none of them worked for me - they might work or you.

609

I suppose I should start posting here.

As mentioned in my other thread, I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m riding a real roller coaster as it approaches. Everything from distant hope, to terror, to pessimism and so on. One of my fears is that a lifelong problem will rear it’s head. When I get in very stressful situations, I physically lose the ability to speak. This would obviously be a huge problem.

I haven’t been diagnosed in the past, but from my reading I believe I have either Bipolar type 2 or Major Depressive disorder with a side helping of moderate social anxiety and mild-moderate OCD. (I will let the professional make the call though)

610

Unless your psychiatrist is also a certified nutritionist, he’s wooing you up the ass. Run, don’t walk, to somebody sane.

611

Antinor01

In my lengthy experience with psychiatrists (I trust you don’t mean psychologist because that’s different) it can be iffy to get a good one. I’ve had four over twenty years. Two were very good, the other two were worthless. You should be patient in waiting for meds to take effect but if the doctor creeps you out, there’s a good chance that your instincts are right. Of course it’s possible that your judgement is impaired, so consider that, but still…

Actually. the same reasoning applies to psychologists, they just do a different thing.

612

Psychiatrist. It’s not so much being creeped out as just a response to extreme emotion. We’ll see what happens.

613

Figure I should check in. The day after I “broke” I got better. Not sure how, but I was feeling normal emotions and not packing or anything. After that, things got a little better, I got to chat with some friends online, which isn’t usually a substitute but it helped. I also got to play online with a friend who finally got out of school for the summer. Again, not in person, but it helped.

As for the girl* I mentioned, she really loves Pixar. Like, super a lot. Like has Pixar posters and stickers over everything a lot. At Comicon I entered a contest to win advance passes to the new movie coming out this month. I won. I don’t believe in fate, but that was awfully fate-y, and I figured that if a god doesn’t exist, one would be created out of spite specifically to smite my ass if I didn’t follow through on that. So I emailed her, and made absolutely sure there was no cry for help or duplicitous bullshit in it. Just a “so I totally won this thing and it’s for two people and I know you love Pixar” thing. I… uh… didn’t know that you could sound really excited in an email, but it’s apparently possible. She said she had plans that night, but she’s going to try really hard to reschedule them so she can go to the screening. So here’s hoping.

As for going to an emergency clinic. I live with my mom (hopefully I’ll have a damned job soon and that will be past tense, my friend said he’s leaving job and will try to get me to take his place), and she probably wouldn’t accept me going to a clinic. I know I’m an adult, but I really don’t want to hurt her or piss her off, and it’s kind of hard to hide “not coming home because you’re in a clinic”. Either way, since I seemed to just be having a crisis because my social meter was drained (yes, I play Sims, shaddup) and that seems to be sorted, I think I’m good now. :slight_smile:

  • Sorry if this bothers anyone for being “infantilizing” or whatever, “woman” just sounds so damned formal for someone I know personally. Substitute “gal” is you wish, 'cause that’s how I’m using it.

ETA: Sorry about posting social anxiety stuff. I kind of treated this as a “mental illness support thread” rather than just depression. I DO have depression, but I wasn’t having a depressive episode at the time. Sorry if I stepped on any toes but I was freaking out.

614

I think any mental issue is a go here. Some of us have a combination of problems and come here for support and to just vent if need be. (Congrats on the following-through with the free tickets—hope she can go!)

I’ve been jogging in place mentally, trying not to let anxiety and depression drag me down at a time when I need to be focused. Mixed results with that but I keep reining it in when I get too bad.

An unrelated lesson I’ve been trying to let sink in…how to let go of resentments. “Forgive and forget” makes me want to puke. “Holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt the other person” didn’t get through to me either. I know what’s gone on in my life and I’ll be damned if I’m going to cut anybody any slack. But…

Something finally made sense. Read an example of somebody holding up a glass of water. If held for a minute, it’s not heavy at all. If held for an hour your arm starts to ache. If held for a day you begin to feel paralyzed. And the weight of the water hasn’t changed; it’s your reaction to the burden that has.

:smack:

I’ve been paralyzing myself with stuff that doesn’t even weigh on other people’s minds. Now when I catch myself mulling over past hurts I think “Set the glass down, Becky. Set the glass down.”

615

For what it’s worth, I’ve had two friends start ADHD meds in the last couple months, after getting to adulthood and having three kids each, and one of them struggling with depression and post-partum psychosis. Both report that the drugs have changed their lives.

I walked out and never came back after a psychiatrist made a federal case over me nursing a toddler (not a medication issue, she was just baffled and borderline offended and acted like a jackass about it).

Then at the doctor’s office where I found a PA who is wonderful with my medication needs (I admit, I’m a pretty uncomplicated case and hardly ever need meds), I went to see another doctor because I was having panic attacks, and she suggested . . . a vegan diet! WTF is with these people? I got so mad I wrote a snarky blog post about it, and luckily didn’t even have to complain because she left the practice (reading between the lines, I think she was asked to leave) a week or so later.

Which is all to say, I sympathize, it’s probably not just you being mental, and doctors need to stick to what they are trained in, rather than venturing into areas they know fuckall about but have strong personal opinions on.

616

I had a bit of what I think was a revelation. I’ve wondered for a long time why it is that I so strongly prefer logic and don’t understand emotions. Getting started on therapy has me really thinking these sorts of things over and I’m starting to believe it’s because my own experience with emotion (due to the depression and what have you) is so random and arbitrary. Given one set of circumstances, I can enjoy it one day, not care another, be angry the next etc. Maybe I’ll get a better grip on emotion and learn how it can be useful when it isn’t so completely random.

617

I finally flipped out this Saturday afternoon and gave one of the sources of my anguish a brief piece of my mind. I then left before I continued and went off the deep end and really let fly.

This was fomented by my session with the psychiatrist on Friday. I spent the vast majority of Sunday out of the house (aided by the face I had a graduation party to attend) just to avoid the discussion which needs to be undertaken about this until I can get everything I want to say in my head and her in such a state as she would be conducive to this discussion without freaking out herself. I have not spoken to her since the outburst. I don’t know that I did the right thing – speaking out is such a problem for me, and not doing so is the cause of much of my depression – but given how angry I was (and her state) I did not think that a rational conversation was possible at that time.

Sigh…I hate this. I have my yearly physical in a couple of hours, where we’ll see I’ve gained like 40 pounds, and I’m willing to bet my BP is much higher than the normal it usually is.

618

Update: I am moving out. My husband didn’t believe me until I showed him the apartment I rented.

Now, he’s upset.

Gee, I have been looking for an apartment for a few months and now you are upset? Denial much?

Kinda scared to go home.

619

I hope that this is not a “physically scared” thing :frowning: Hang in there!

620

Started a new job today. Usual new job jumpiness and nerves. No panic attacks, thankfully. A little bit of queasiness, and a little bit of ‘run away run away!’ but not too bad.

Then I got off work, and it was like a switch turned on and all I wanted to do was cry. I wasn’t panicking, I just had an overwhelming desire to cry. sighs I hope that doesn’t happen at work tomorrow. I have benzos if the anxiety ramps up, but the tears aren’t coming from panic.

Having mood and anxiety disorders triggered by change really, really sucks. Can’t wait until I’ve adjusted and I feel normal again.