Met with the psychiatrist this morning for a med evaluation. She’s having me start on lamotrigine, 25mg for 2 weeks then up to 50 if it’s going well. Decided to go the mood stabilizing route instead of anti-depressant to avoid the risk of a manic episode. I start taking them tomorrow morning, so we’ll see what happens.
In my experience, you often have to max out at your extreme level - then you react - then you’re fine. You may be just fine tomorrow, good luck.
I’m becoming exhausted at trying to reassure other people. I tried to kill myself in April and had an overwhelming outpouring of love and support. Now, everyone I talk to or spend time with says ‘you sound so much happier!’ or something to that effect. The truth is, I have good days and bad and can’t guarantee that I won’t take the coward’s way out again if it gets too bad. Everyone is SOOOO happy for me since I checked out of the hospital and quit my job because I was so unhappy in my job/career. The truth is I have really life changing decisions to deal with that I’m not sure I’m up to (I’m applying for disability benefits to try to work things out).
Hi everyone, I’m new and a bit shy… I don’t know if this is a right place to vent since I haven’t been diagnosed with depression and I don’t know if that’s what I’ve been experiencing last 6 months or so or if this is still within the normal variation of moods. So I apologize in advance if I shouldn’t be in this thread.
I’ve had way too much crap on my plate lately, I work full time with a job that I’m normally good at - I’m a people person and I can sell, desing ads and campaigns, direct sales people and marketing efforts, contact our suppliers overseas etc. Lately I don’t remember the deadlines, I keep misplacing my documents, forget booked meetings or other stuff already fixed with customers… I’m so overwhelmed with everything at work 
On top of this my husbad hasn’t had too much of luck with his job - he’s freelancing since fixed employment is really hard to come by. I’m paying the mortgage and the bills, just keeping us over the red line every month but just barely. Now he’s actually launching a pretty cool project which hopefully will turn into something profitable in the future. Nothing is going to happen anytime soon tho.
Then there is the matter of our wedding party that’s coming up soon. It’s been in the works for about a year - we started planning ahead when things were easier and so far we’ve been able to put most of the stuff together. But I have no idea how to cover all the costs so I’ve been totally comatosed about it! I can’t make myself book a hair appointment for that day since I’m not sure I can pay for it. I haven’t ordered flowers or done anything for the decoration of the place - I just can’t make myself do it not knowing how thing’s will go and I feel lousy and I just want to curl up and waste away.
If I were able to summon some sort of strenght I’d probably be able to pull of decorations pretty cheap - I love scrapbooking and doing stuff myself. I would be able to do a better job at work, keep myself organized like I used to be. I just can’t. I’m trying and trying and taking different approaches and I always end up feeling worthless and exhausted and hopeless… And everything is still a mess. I know I should be able to deal with everything, all the pieces are there and I know it, they just don’t fit in my head anymore.
Then there is the problem with the lack of periods for the last 9 months and my conflicted feelings about becoming a mother one day. I’m not dead set in becoming a mother but with my body not working right I will not even get that chance. I’d at least like to make that decision myself! I’ve not been strong enough to make an appointment with the doctor for this either. Maybe I just have to book one for the entire day and get everything sorted at once. Next year or the next decade or just one day. Everything is so hard right now.
Thanks for letting me vent. I’ll go hide in the shadows again. Best of luck to everyone here, I know some days are better than others and I hope you have more of the better kind.
Welcome to the Board Mildly Obsessed.
I’m sorry I don’t have much practical advice, as I’m in a similar situation. Just for the last part, stress can stop periods, and if you don’t feel you’re ready to have a child, you shouldn’t have one right now. That doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to have one in the future, when you’re in a less stressful state. Right now, however, a child will be one more responsibility and it seems like you’re extended enough.
Is there any way you can ask your husband or other people to do some small stuff in preparing for the wedding party? It seems like you are taking on all of the work in planning the party on yourself, and I don’t know whether it’s by choice or not. Try to think of some small steps you can take to start planning the party or that you can ask other people to do. Ask for their advice.
Or is there any way you can scale down the party, to make it more manageable cost-wise?
My professor said “Done is better than perfect.” I know, easier said than done.
Best advice I can give you, especially with the motherhood problem: don’t mistake how you feel right now with what your life will be like throughout your future. Acknowledge that right now is not a good time to have a child, but it’s still a possibility “one day.”
Today has been really tough.
I’ve had depression for over ten years of my life. After a rather catastrophic meltdown and a visit from the police in college, I decided to get help. After leaving college, getting help was harder. For the past two years since I’ve left college, I haven’t seen a psychiatrist or a therapist in person. For the most part, though, I feel better. I still have thoughts or suicide but they lack intent. I can feel emotions and they are mostly appropriate in type and intensity.
However, today sucks. Yesterday and the day before sucked too. For the past six months, I have been having the same kind of problem Mildly has been having. After my period in December, I didn’t have another until April. I want to have a family and have been feeling a lot of pressure. The day before yesterday, my brother-in-law posted a picture of a jar or Prego. My sister is pregnant. I’m happy for her. She is a great mom and has had such beautiful kids. But it makes me so sad too. The worst part was that she and her husband were trying to prevent pregnancy. I know I am only 24 and I have time. I know this logically but my emotional side can’t stop thinking about how it may no even be possible for me.
That said, I have gone to the doctor. She tested my hormone levels and found that my thyroid isn’t functioning properly. I’ve just started the second month of synthroid and I haven’t had my period again since April.
On top of this, she and I have decided that it is time for me to start losing weight. At the same time, my work has decided to send me on travel the majority of the time. I lost five pounds right before my period in April so I am hoping that maybe losing some weight will help out as well. But I can’t seem to keep myself from eating shitty food of drinkin pop. Every time I eat poorly, I feel really guilty about it. In fact, it got to the point that, while I was driving back to work from Subway, I found myself wishing I had anorexia because then I would be able to stop eating.
So I sit here at work, barely functional. I am in a strang town and I have nothing familiar to go to when I leave work today. I don’t have my husband or my cats or my friends to cry to. All I have is me, my fat body and a pillow to cry into. When did I get so pathetic.
ETA: Mildly, do try to see a doctor if you can. Sometimes missed periods are just due to stress but it could also be an indicator of something more serious.
Started my meds yesterday. Spent the day mostly feeling numb, no real ups or downs. Today started off ok but I can feel myself starting to spiral into depression. I really hate my brain for doing this to me. Nothing is wrong around me but I react as if someone kicked my puppy. Next therapy session is on the 20th.
Give it some time, it can take weeks for meds to make a difference.
Don’t get scared, but make sure you’re at least familiar with the black box warning for lamictal. It might worth trying to wade through the pharmacology section too. Some of it is human readable. 
I sent in my official letter of resignation today. I have no clear idea of how I’m going to support myself, all I know is that when I tried to return to work after my suicide attempt - I came very close to making a second attempt. I may get disability benefits until I can find a new, less stressful job. One thing is clear - I can’t go back to working in the field I was in, just too stressful and I felt like a failure which fed my depression.
Thanks. My psychiatrist and I discussed that at length. I have a history of skin issues so that was a concern to me.
How long does it take y’all to adapt to change? How do you cope with it? I just can’t wait to feel normal again. I’ve managed to keep myself from losing my shit at work, but when I get home I want to cry and I just feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, like ‘is this really happening to me’? It’s tough because my only friends here are the work friends from my last job. I don’t have a support network for when I get home, other than calling my mom.
I feel like no one really understands that isn’t like, oh three days into your new job, it should be all good!
How long does it take y’all to adapt to change? How do you cope with it? I just can’t wait to feel normal again. I’ve managed to keep myself from losing my shit at work, but when I get home I want to cry and I just feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, like ‘is this really happening to me’? It’s tough because my only friends here are the work friends from my last job. I don’t have a support network for when I get home, other than calling my mom.
I feel like no one really understands that isn’t like, oh three days into your new job, it should be all good!
It can take up to 6-8 weeks for new meds to kick in.
I understand your new job anxiety, personally, I’d be surprised if you weren’t stressed out to the maximum degree.
Because you don’t have a support network, maybe you need to work on developing one. I know this is the last thing you feel like doing right now though. Let me just say that a couple of times, I felt at sea with no regular human contact outside of work so I forced myself to volunteer at a local animal shelter and another time at a garden (at a home for elderly women). It helped me.
I realize that I might have come on too strongly about this. I apologize. I have poor people skills.
I wanted to get across:
- There is no shame in feeling overwhelmed.
- Depression or stress can make your mind and body less sharp. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid or careless. It means you have a disease or condition (temporary or not) that causes limitations.
- People who try to peddle you with the idea that having a baby is the answer to all of your problems are full of bullcrap.
It sounds like you have trouble asking for help or asserting yourself about your own needs. You have taken a courageous first step in writing to this board. Many congratulations to you.
I am in some exercise groups, but I don’t know anyone really well enough to unload on them, ha ha ha.
I took an Ativan last night because I needed some no-fucks-to-give time.
I don’t know about you all but I’ve been having trouble just getting on the Board lately. Hope they get a new server soon. Anyway…
Finally had my evaluation yesterday.
depression…check
anxiety…check
PTSD…huh?
When she read the symptoms to me…I still feel like I’ve been kicked by a mule. I’ve suspected I might have it but never delved into it because I’m already overwhelmed with all the other crap. But I have ALL the symptoms and saw how it’s been controlling my life every single day. Every day.
I don’t even know who I am right now.
I don’t act, I REact, ineffectively, to the trauma I’ve been carrying around most of my life. I’m mad and I’m scared and I’m sad.
Thank you Renifer. Seriously, what you say makes so much sense to me. I’ve spent today telling myself that it’s okay, I don’t have to be a superwoman. I can admit my limits. Still, asking for help just doesn’t feel right. It makes me feel like I’m failing. Like I’m not strong enough. Others seem so much more in control of their lives than I am, I wonder how they do it.
I know PTSD sucks and I’m sorry you have to go through it. The best I can offer is that there IS life after trauma. I am a walking, breathing example of that. Now you know what it’s called and you are going to get help dealing with it. Now you can take control of your life. If it helps, try thinking of it as a turning point in your life… the beginning of a new phase of existence - toward a positive future. Hugs
Thank you {{{olives.}}} I know it’s something you deal with and felt you’d have some words of wisdom.
Thank you for telling me that things can start to get better now!
It really does feel like a turning point in my life. I’m still floored. Apparently I’ve been ignoring the elephant in the room, to protect my psyche I guess. But I did see that emotionally I’m a scared child and that’s making me rethink everything.
Is there room for a minor triumph here? I just forced myself to get out of the house and so something social. I had my first Meetup today with a bunch of crocheters/knitters. I was dreading it all day because that meant I had to** go out **and meet people. I told myself I had to do it because I couldn’t spend my life hiding in a cave. I pep talked myself all the way across the parking lot and into the coffee shop. And you know what? It was fun. They were nice people. I’m not terrified of them anymore. I think I’ll do this again. It’s a lot easier dealing with new people when we’re all working on something crafty together.
Yay for telling my social anxiety where to stuff it!