SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
641

I’m so frustrated with myself.

A capable person in my position today would have would have penned brilliant chapters of her next best-selling novel, cleaned her apartment, called or texted all her friends, spent a couple of hours at the gym, and worked a full day to earn money for grad school – and she would have done all this on 5 calories (one cup of coffee).

I, on the other hand, was stuffing my face all day and apparently I got so exhausted watching DVDs of Mad Men that I had to take a nap.

A coworker asked for a summary for a project I’m working at and I’m so ashamed that she’s asking me to work at my job, and I’m too lazy to want to do it. I have no right to be angry at the inconvenience of being asked to do my job.

I wish I were a better person but I don’t want to have to work at becoming a better person. I know it’s wrong. I know I’m not entitled for other people to give me things for free. I know that I have to keep in mind that my problems aren’t that bad and if I could just exercise a little willpower I wouldn’t feel so guilty.

But that’s the problem. I want what I want now and I don’t seem to care if I have to pay for it in the future.

Thanks for letting me vent.

642

I’ve been feeling very antisocial lately but my close friend (who has been all over me since my suicide attempt) extracted a promise from me that I would come to her house (an hour away) and join her for a hike in the woods with the dogs. When I dragged myself out of bed this morning I was dreading the drive and the hike but I knew she would freak out about my well-being if I didn’t go. Long story short - I had a wonderful day filled with many varied activities and friends. By the time I got home I had a message waiting for me from another friend (who worries about me) so we met up for dinner. What a satisfying day! And it’s all because I fought my natural inclination to isolate myself.

643

I had a weird dream that exemplified my childhood situation. My sister and I are kids and we are in the yard of our neighbors: two girls who are our age. They have these freestanding drywall walls set up and a bunch of paints and markers so they can paint and draw.

I start being my obnoxious, commandeering self; trying to construct a game where we all paint and write stuff as an imaginary assignment. Nobody else wants to play this game (including my sister) but I keep trying to force them to play it. I won’t take a hint. So the others go off in a group to play by themselves and they won’t include me. I feel angry and hurt. I feel like they’re not being fair to me.

The next day, my sister and I go back to their yard. The neighbor girls are crying. They tell us their parents had been licking the drywalls and had gotten ill because* someone* (they mean me) had used the wrong paints. They want me to go home (my sister is allowed to stay; they’re not mad at her), and they need to tell the adults that it’s my fault that their parents are sick and I’m going to be in a lot of trouble. Guilt because if I had behaved better and done the right thing, their parents wouldn’t be sick and this situation would never have happened.

My reaction is anger and guilt. Anger because they are blaming me for using the paints that they have provided and also used and what the hell are grown adults doing licking painted walls anyway? Guilt because I know I behaved horribly the previous day and I shouldn’t let my petty emotions matter more than the fact that the neighbors’ parents are seriously ill and my neighbors are scared they will die.

But no matter how guilty I feel, my anger takes precedence. I feel angry at the neighbors for excluding me and setting me up as a scapegoat, even though I deserved the treatment they gave me. I can’t accept that there are good reasons they don’t want to play with me; instead I whine about them not being “fair”. They were being fair. I did something wrong, and I cared more about getting in trouble than I do about my neighbors’ parents’ illness. What the hell was/is wrong with me?

644

Just checking in, I made a doctor’s appointment for today. My anxiety levels have been so high lately that I was only able to sleep for about 60 minutes last night. Too bad my diagnosis with general anxiety disorder was done years ago in another coutry so I have nothing to show the doc from the past. I don’t want to sound like I’m in for the drugs. Working is hell atm.

645

That’s me in a nutshell too. We’re not alone.

646

I’m having some kind of mental breakdown. It started with upset stomach, now my stomach has been killing me, I can’t eat without getting sick and I am extremely depressed. I worked from home Monday and called in sick yesterday and today. Unfortunately we are supposed to go on vacation starting tomorrow and my boss wasn’t too happy about me calling out in the same week. So I’m trying to make it up to him by doing everything I can, and I offered to work over vacation if necessary. So, now I feel even more depressed because my boss is a good guy and I try to get my work done in a timely fashion.

Supposedly we’re leaving tomorrow and I just don’t know how I’m going to travel like this. I just want to die.

And I have a 2nd phone interview today for a job I really want. I really wish I didn’t have to play happy and productive on a day like this.

God I feel awful. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery.

647

I know if I get stressed, my stomach gets upset which I assume is from acid - esp. since I already take Nexium. But I’ve asked and my primary says it’s ok to take an OTC antacid like famotidine, although usually 2 tums will work since it tends to be something transient rather than what you’re describing. Zofran is wonderful for nausea but if it’s still on patent, it’s obscenely expensive and Rx only. I hope you feel better.

648

Help me out here - am I delusional? I could swear that I logged in to the site earlier today and found a bunch of new posts, the only name I remember is “Tony”. There were maybe half a dozen posts which are no longer here. What could have happened? Moderator? Look, I know I have mental health issues but they’ve never been the sort that leads to delusions.

649

I feel like this often, I don’t want to do suicide because it’d be so hard on everyone, but why not just have a fatal accident or get cancer? I know that a lot of you feel this way.

650

Man, my anxiety is better than before, no giant breakdowns, but I’m still having trouble sleeping. No doubt part of it is my scholarship interview in LA on Tuesday (which is a 7 hour drive for a one day at best interview). I’m still freaking out over that person though. The movie went fine, we got along okay. Talked about movies and computer stuff and our families a bit. It’s hard to tell if now she’s blowing me off or just busy, though.

I mean, she’s super, really legitimately busy. I mean, I had to drop her off back at work at 9:30PM after the movie because she still had stuff that needed doing that day busy. She has a really nasty deadline creeping up. I mean, every indication from her emails and what she’s said should make me believe that she’s going to email me back after she’s done with her paper. It’s just, in one of my emails I mentioned I was going to be around campus during lunch for most of the week for lessons for my test/interview day. She mentioned that she’d try to find time, but no promises (especially since she’s grad student poor and can’t usually find money to eat at the restaurants there. A fact I know is true). She didn’t find time, and never even sent an email saying “sorry, I ended up being too busy” or whatever.

I mean, I know she said “no promises” and that she’s really, really, super legitimately busy. I don’t expect anybody to drop all their time for me, especially when their time is important. It’s just my damn anxiety keeps telling me that the lack of so much as a courtesy “sorry” email means she’s letting me down gently, in no way wants to be my friend, and blah blah. So I keep waking up at all hours of the night, unable to sleep. I know I just have to wait until next week for her to be done, and then either she’ll email me or else I can send her a quick “how did your paper go?” ping and then I’ll know for sure. I just wish there’s something that could be done before Tuesday so I could actually get some damn sleep before my interview/test.

I really wish I could get all this shit sorted out before I tried to make friends with people, but most of the psychologists I’ve ever had have pretty much said “sorry kid, there’s only so much we can do for you. You’re going to have to boldly charge through and make your own friends to get over most of it.”

651

My thyroid finally leveled out and the depression is gone—yayyy.

But now I’ve developed a nasty case of cervical radiculitis which makes my hand go numb or pins-and-needles tingly and bugs me so much that it wakes me up. If Lexapro weren’t also an anti-anxiety med, I would have chewed my fingers off in sheer frustration by now.

652

I’m finally coming off of a couple weeks of feeling ultra-squirrely, to the point of almost considering it a superpower - if only I could get a couple neurons to talk to each other. This was the result of an AMPAR modulator I was trying, but let’s not get into that. I know many of you get discouraged about meds. Either they don’t work right away, or you try one and then you have to try something else, side effects, etc. I generally STFU during these discussions, but this one time I’ll say something I hope will be helpful.

The next time you’re bummed about your meds, try to imagine someone who has been cycled through most of the psychotropics in the PDR over a period spanning about 20 years and was long ago relegated to trying new meds just for the pure unadulterated fuck of it. What I mean is, if you happen to the sort of person for whom there is never going to be a diagnosis that serves any legitimate purpose other than to creating a billing code, then you’ll know what it means to be both well and truly boned and completely on your own. Fortunately I’m pathologically curious so that does have some upside for me, as perverse as that sounds and I’m absolutely not, NOT looking for pity or even sympathy. I’m just saying if realizing that at least in some ways there are others who might be worse off helps give you some perspective when you need it, then I’m your feeb. :slight_smile:

653

Well, still not depressed but officially taking a break from my marriage.

I move out in two weeks.

Why can’t I be happy, healthy and have a good relationship with my husband?

654

Damn! I’ve been so, out there(?), that I haven’t paid bills in a couple of months. I realized it today when I tried to watch a show on tv (not subscribed) and tried to log in to the internet (this page can not be displayed). I tried to call Comcast and my service was suspended. I’ve let all my bills languish while I try to get better. I wish I had a significant other to help me out with this. One of my sisters helped me catch up with paying my bills and filing my taxes after my suicide attempt but I’m relatively okay now so I should be able to cope . I obviously still have some problems.

655

There’s a slim chance my brain might be on the verge of rebooting. It’s impossible to explain except to say that in recent years, some types of processes have atrophied to the point where they were essentially useless and the past few days, I’ve seen some sparks of life.

For example, I need to clean out this one room that is the central one in the house and is also the main hall way. It’s a strange arrangement but it works. There’s not a lot of actual stuff in there it’s just strew around and is visually very confusing. Every other time I’ve looked at it with idea of trying to decide how I wanted to attack it, it felt like looking at a matrix algebra problem and I’d just shut down. I mean there are some empty boxes, some packaging, maybe a garbage bag full of old clothes, ok, more boxes, some heavy chairs that would have to be moved and that’s about it. Objectively it’s not that big of a deal. And given some of the other things I do for fun, it shouldn’t even require any thought. But it’s also the sort of thing that I’ve always had problems with and would obsess over. Today I stopped for a minute looked around and things just started to fall into place. It was unexpected to the point of being mildly disconcerting.

But things like this have happened before and it always reminds me of the movie Awakenings since my problems, many of them at least probably have the same genesis as the patients there (it also reminds me of how lucky I am). What I mean is that there have been other times when I’ve had these flashes of lucidity in some functional area that I had long ago moved from ‘missing’ status to ‘legally dead’, it would rise up from the dead very suddenly only for it to slip away just as quickly.

But since this time it coincides with my latest impression of a human guinea pig as I’m trying something that is derivative of DMAE I’m feeling optimistic.

656

I’ve been reluctant to post because I don’t feel depressed, per se. It’s just that my life has not changed appreciably in the last ten years (if not longer). In my early 20s I was treated for depression, and I felt I balanced out and bounced back pretty well. I am an average member of society–I pay my bills, hold my jobs, do my taxes, and generally get along.

But I have very little enthusiasm for it at this point. My job is a job–I do my work and I go home, and in return I get a paycheck that covers my necessary expenses and a few extravagances here and there. I may not work as hard as I could, but I am without a doubt the most efficient and productive member of my department. I don’t have a career, and I’ve never much cared what I did to earn money as long as it came with health insurance. I always felt that my life was challenging enough, I didn’t need a job that put more pressure on me.

At home, I have a lovely condo and a best friend/roommate I adore. I spend a lot of time on the couch watching television, but I make myself feel better about it because I am usually also making something with my hands. These things are usually given away as gifts, because the moment I decide to try to sell something online in an Etsy store or the like, it becomes work, and my motivation goes down the toilet.

I’m fat. I’ve always been fat. I will probably always be fat, because I can’t get up the motivation to exercise. And I will use any excuse not to–it’s too hot out, I have a toothache, I just walked the dog and wasn’t that enough?

I have literally been like this for a decade (except for maybe the dog part–only had him six years). I have friendships and I go out and I do things and I have fun and laugh, so I don’t feel that I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed before, and just getting to the bathroom seemed like more effort than it was worth. I just feel … stuck. I don’t have romantic relationships—my last one was what sparked my depressive period, and I haven’t met anyone since that made me even consider getting involved.

Sometimes I think about going somewhere new and starting over. I would even consider moving closer to friends I live far away from—I don’t need to cut off all my relationships, I just feel I need a kick in the ass to do anything. But that would put me farther away from a family I already feel guilty for not seeing enough (even though they all moved away from where we grew up and I’m the one still here). And then I think about all the work that would need to be done in order to start the moving process—I’d have to sell my condo in this market, and I couldn’t even consider selling it until I replace all the windows and probably update the kitchen and repaint the whole damn thing and remove at least 50% of my stuff so it looks open and airy … and that’s a lot of work, which I may have already mentioned I’m not good at.

So, I’m trying to start small. I’m going to give myself one thing a day that I’m supposed to do. Yesterday I went shopping for a new stove, only to find out that it’s either get a stove no better than the one I have or cut off at least six inches of my kitchen counter in order to have the luxury of a window in my damned oven door. It feels like the universe just doesn’t want me to make things better sometimes.

I feel I can’t complain too much, because my life could be (and has been) much worse. But I’m just tired of the … sameness of it, I suppose. I don’t feel depressed and I absolutely hate therapy, but maybe just telling a bunch of strangers about it will help. :slight_smile:

657

Drae, are you me? I could have totally written your post up there. {{hugs}}

I got a nasty shock health-wise yesterday. I called the doctor’s to make an appointment but I can’t get in until October. I really hope what I think might be going on isn’t because, as with all medical complaints, I have to hurry up and wait before I find out. I was a hot mess yesterday afternoon worrying about it. I’m trying to keep myself busy so I don’t think about it, but I will, usually at the worst time.

658

Man, I’m really bad at this whole friends thing :(.

Person emailed me the second it turned Tuesday, to wish me luck on my test/interview that day, along with some banter. I emailed back and responded to the banter, and noted that she was going to be done with her paper… then failed to follow through and ask her to do something.

I just kind of froze… I mean, I really have nothing to ask. What does she like? I know plenty of things she likes. She likes reading, she likes computer science, and animation, and Pixar, and education (among other things). All great things. All completely useless to me. I’m not asking her on a date, just a friendly hang-out, but I have no idea what to do. Lunch is likely a no-go because of funds, and if I offer to pay it seems at best like a date and at worst desperate. There’s always “want to hang out at the mall”, but there’s not really many interesting malls around here. I imagine they’re even less interesting when you can’t afford anything. I’d love to invite her hiking but… uh… inviting her and me, alone, to go out, alone, into the middle of nowhere seems like it would rightfully invite some serious murderrapekill red flags.

This would be so much easier if I already had friends because then I can be like “we’re doing this thing and you should come.” But as it is I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because it’s going to be just the two of us and while that worked for the movie passes I won (only two admitted), it’s going to be absurdly date-looking for anything else, especially since anything that costs money is probably out unless I offer to pay (which looks even more datey). Even things like watching a movie I own together doesn’t work, because it’s just the two of us. There’s no way I can really make her feel safe, I don’t think we’re at that level of trust where I can invite her over and have a “just the two of us watch a movie” thing. Again, if I had friends it wouldn’t be so bad “we’re all watching <movie> wanna come?” But there’s just no way I can spin “want to watch a movie ALONE AT MY HOUSE” to not sound like “I’m going to potentially murderrapekill you and nobody will hear you scream”.

I just… don’t know how to approach this. I think I’m honestly just going to never respond to her again, cut her off and ignore her if I bump into her in person, and wash my hands of this, because I’m pretty sure this is an impossible situation. :frowning:

659

NOOOOOO

You keep mentioning “not a date.” Why not make it the biggest and best date of all time? Why not mail her an engraved (embossed) invitation (Master so-and-so requests the presence of — to…and fill in whatever [even mundane] event.) Remember on The Big Bang Theory when Sheldon gave Amy a tiara? She reached into the bag disdainfully but when she pulled it out she turned to jelly. We wimmens like the grand gesture :wink: while getting to know someone that turns our heads and our hearts.
It’s worth a try. Better than just giving up.

660

I love this idea. Whether it’s applicable or not, I absolutely love it.

But I suppose the question is whether you want to date this girl, or are you just honestly looking for a friend? If it’s the former, go for it. Ask her out. The worst she can do is say no, and then you can cut her off, ignore her, whatever.

If you just want a friend, then there are any number of things you can do/places you can go that don’t scream “I’m going to kill you and wear your skin.” Even just meeting for coffee or something–doesn’t exactly break anybody’s bank, public place, et cetera.

If you take a chance and say something, no outcome could possibly be any worse than not trying at all. (Well, I suppose she could kill you and wear your skin, but that’s pretty unlikely, at least on a first date.) As I look back at my life and most especially my twenties, I don’t regret the things I did or the chances I took. I regret the ones I didn’t.