SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Guess I’m late to the party.

I’ve been off my Cymbalta since I lost my health insurance. I’ve been coping, and I do okay without meds. I think that’s because I was depressed for so long before meds came into my life, that I learned to manage my depression without medication. So I live and function, but not happily. Well, even with meds, I’m not really happy. Meds do keep away the crying spells. But my crying spells are no big deal. I just sit silently, doing whatever I’m doing and let the tears fall until they stop. Nobody notices. I make sure that they don’t.

The real difference between being on meds and off them is the drama in life. When I’m off meds, I think my life is pointless, and that’s a tragedy. When I’m on meds, I think, yeah, my life is pointless, but I can’t remember why it’s such a big deal that my life should have a point.
Neither state is the way I’d really like to be, but life goes on. (“Dull as before” as a quip on MST3K said once.)

Since I’m pondering bankruptcy, a financial counselor who was hoping to encourage me said, “You have to remember, this is only temporary. Your life is going to get better.”

I didn’t say anything. What I wanted to say was, “No, my life has always sucked, and in fifty years, it has never gotten better. The problems I have may change over the years. My life sucks for different reasons now than when I was a teenager. The problems I have now may resolve. But they will only be replaced by other problems that will make my life suck just as much as it ever has. This will be true until I die.”

There was a thread once on this board: “When were your happiest years?” I thought hard. Then I realized I honestly didn’t have any. There hasn’t been one span in my life that I can say was any better than any of the others. I don’t know that I can say that any one span was worse than the others either. Just one big blur of grey I suppose.

When I saw this thread, at first, I wasn’t going to post. I don’t really relish the subject, and it can set me off into spiral I don’t really want to start. But here I am. A glutton for punishment.

82

I’m also late-ish to the party, Two Many Cats, so if it’s all right, I’ll hang out by you.

I think I’ve probably had some kind of mental weirdness my entire life. My mom once said she worried about me in that way when I was twelve. I think it’s been going on for as long as I can remember, though I’m really not sure.

I don’t properly know what my diagnosis is/would be. Officially, the one time I was diagnosed, it was as Bipolar II; however, the only time I’ve had a really affecting hypomanic episode was when I was on Effexor, so it may have just been a reaction to the meds. I’d’ve said cyclothymia before, but A.) the hypomania isn’t really a thing and B.) I think what I’ve got going on right now is a full-on major depressive episode. The closest I’ve ever been able to come is major depressive disorder coupled with schizotypal personality disorder (not schizoaffective disorder, as I once erroneously claimed, not remembering the proper name of my totally professional diagnosis). However, I don’t really share most of the weirder symptoms of the latter with my doctor, as I know that will result in my being put on much stronger meds, and they aren’t really a problem. So maybe I’m just being paranoid about having it from having read too much on the internet.

I’ve been able to pull it together for periods of time. I just came off of a good two year decent stretch. Unfortunately, when it’s bad, it’s bad. I stop caring. I lose all willpower. Getting dressed and out of the house is a cause for celebration. This isn’t something I really share with people, though, because that’s not how I was raised. Sharing things for support and reinforcement is anathema.

Right now, I’m on Wellbutrin, and have just started Ritalin. The Wellbutrin has been…meh. It worked for a while, but then it stopped being as effective. The Ritalin ups my energy pretty well, and has made me just about functional. Not happy, but able to shower and clean and do most of my work.

Therapy is probably the best answer for me, but it’s expensive. The counseling center, when I went yesterday, told me I should see an actual therapist. “It’s quite affordable,” she said. Yeah, well, quite affordable isn’t free, and I’m a grad student. So it’s currently a matter of bouncing between the counseling center, my psychiatrist at the student health center, and the grad student therapist-in-training there.

The problem that I have when I’m down is that I’m self-destructive as shit. I mean, I’d never take my own life–I lost someone that way eight years ago, and I will never put anyone through that. I’ll sure as hell fuck it up, though, because, when I’m doing it, I honestly don’t give a shit, and the thought of a future time is so depressing and alien that I can’t quite believe that it–and thus any associated consequences–exist. Everything becomes about brightening the moment so that I can get through it without feeling as though the world is dark and my chest is going to cave in. I’m lucky I never developed a taste for drugs or alcohol. Wish I could say the same about food and buying pointless shit.

The most maddening things is this:

I know that if I get my diet straight, and get my exercise in line, then everything else will (for the most part) settle down to a manageable level. I just can’t make myself give enough of a shit to do this. However, I can give enough of a shit to hate myself for not doing it.

Anyway. I don’t really tell my friends, because I don’t want to worry them. I don’t have many, and I feel as though the number is fewer each and every day. I don’t tell my mom, because she’ll just feel bad. I don’t tell my dad because…well, we’re not close, and there wouldn’t be a point to it. I push all of my friends away because the energy of being social seems to be too much of a burden to bear.

It’s getting better. I just wish it were done.

83

Same here. I try it and it just makes me more anxious because I’m always needing to do stuff. Trying to sit and do nothing, with no outlet for my nervous energy does not help. I think I might have ADD or something but it doesn’t manifest in some of the expected ways, so no one will listen to me. If I hadn’t been such a goody-goody in school who would never disturb class no matter how much I wanted to, and smart enough to have horrible study habits but still get straight As, someone would have paid attention long ago. Sitting still and doing nothing is like torture to me. My bf is always trying to get me to have a drink or 3 before he comes to spend the night and I thought it was because he wanted to have his way with me, and the other day he finally said NO, it’s so you will stop keeping me up with all your fidgeting.

That is exactly the kind of thing that makes me really really anxious too. Usually doesn’t turn out as bad as you fear! But of course you know that and it doesn’t really help.

84

For those of you on an amphetamine, esp. MPH (ritalin, aka methylphenidate), and who are having side effects or are near the upper range of the acceptable dosage - or you just want to try something that might be a little “cleaner”, you might want to consider dex-mph. It’s the dextro-rotary isomer of ritalin which is much more biologically active than the levo-rotary isomer (racemic ritalin is equal portions of both).

Dex-mph is about 2-3 times as strong per unit as mph and in the same class as meth. I was on meth (rx) for several years so I feel pretty confident in that assessment. However it is much more consistent in it’s effects, especially when combined with a mood stabilizer (at least for me). Meth was some seriously fucking bad news when it was bad, but great when it actually worked. Dex-mph just seems to work all of the time.

The immediate release form is available as a generic but I would strongly recommend the XR version if your insurance will cover it. For me dosing can be a significant issue since too high a dose can put me to sleep and unexpectedly crashing from the immediate release variety can be disconcerting. It can also leave you a little on the bitchy side.

85

My big struggle at the moment is distinguishing how much of my problem really is self-indulgence, laziness, or weakness and how much is a real problem.

I’ve known people who use it as an excuse. That is, I actually know them well enough to have a handle on that sort of thing, not that I think everyone who ever needs help or understanding is using it as an excuse. And my best friend growing up was the worst example. She was like that with just about everything- always had a reason she was special and should get out of doing the things she didn’t like, but still be included in the things she did. It wasn’t always mental illness with her, which is part of why I’m pretty comfortable saying it was just an excuse- she would also suddenly become vegetarian, religious, sick/injured, drunk, somehow disabled, or too sensitive to handle it as the situation called for (the latter was her reason for getting out of any assignment in school that could be considered remotely disturbing. Biology, for example. Or History. Or English literature.) but “I’m too depressed for that” or “that gives me panic attacks” were favorites.

Anyway. I’m just trying to function like a proper human being, you know? And I feel like worthless scum when I can’t. Or don’t. And there’s got to be a balance where I know my limits and respect them, but don’t abuse them. It’s just so frustrating that my limits seem to be below where everyone else’s are.

I can’t help but think that I’ll have to kill myself eventually. I don’t see things getting much better, ever. I’m not likable enough to make friends, not stable enough for a proper relationship, not focused enough for a career, crippled by anxiety in ways that don’t seem like a big deal until they are… and I’m just a shitty person. I’m a shitty, abhorrent, boring, awkward, ugly, lazy person who can’t say or do anything without it being completely wrong (ask me how many times I’ve written and deleted this post and I’m still certain there are things in it that are annoying or should be pulled out for snark purposes). And I’ve tried all my life not to be and I still am and really don’t see it getting any better. I’m an adult who only has a roof over my head because of someone else’s charity. I can barely handle my low-paying job. I’m not exactly a highly-functioning member of society and I can’t think of a single person right now whose life is better for having me in it.

86

Nooo, SurrenderDorothy, no. I remember you from previous threads and you are being WAY too hard on yourself. Do you always feel this way or are you feeling especially bad now? Do you like to read? Sometimes I feel better when I read memoirs/autobiographies by people whose lives were more fucked up than mine and still got through it :slight_smile:

87

ugh, why do all clinics have claustrophobic waiting rooms filled with screaming children? and someday I hope offices will start accepting digital signatures, tho it is funny to watch people warch me sign my name, I’m a leftie and I write backwards (from right to left) the double takes I get are hysterical.

good luck with your outing!

wow does sound familiar. I can’t keep track of a tv show unless I;m doing something else at the same time, like crochet or kumihimo. Gotta have my hands busy.

88

FWIW, I know all of this feeling all to well, but I keep telling myself the difference between me and people like who you describe is I owe up to my flaws and I’m trying to fix then, even if it is like trying to sail west in an eastbound hurricane.

I have no family, I live in a very rural area and what precious few people I can call friends all live a long way away. I looked at my phone earlier and the only phone calls I’ve gotten all month are from the pharmacy robot telling me my scripts are ready. I don’t even get wrong numbers or sales calls :frowning:

then I look at the world and the state that it is in and I think I’m better off not dealing with that mess.

89

My mom used to have a fridge magnet that said “Hire the left-handed. It’s fun to watch them write.”

Not to beat the meditation thing to death, but I have a book that really explained the methods and purpose of meditation pretty clearly: Mindfulness in Plain English. It’s the only book on the subject I’ve ever read that acknowledges that sometimes the emotions brought up by meditation are not Enlightenment but a way for your mind to cleanse itself.

90

Well, you can count me, at least, as one who’s glad you stopped by. I’m really hoping this sort of thread becomes a place we can all vent to others who will understand, sympathize, and offer support. If it becomes a sad pity orgy, then we’ve missed the point.

I find that’s the root of most of my angry feelings. I’m mad at myself for not managing to do stuff that would help. I’m mad at myself for failing. I do feel better after taking a walk, but it’s so much work to go find my shoes and my comfy pants and get out there, so I’ll sit here instead and get progressively more grumpy as I see the pretty day being wasted out there. I don’t know what the answer is. Sometimes having a friend push me a little can be a big help.

If I make a commitment to go out and do something with someone, and they refuse to let me cancel on them (which I try, too often), it usually gets me out and doing something, and I feel tons better afterwards. I need to do more of that.

I highly doubt you’re as shitty as you claim. Do you kick puppies? Do you pour coffee on sleeping homeless guys? So you’re not feeling likeable and focused right now. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you won’t find the right help one of these days and get your shit together. I know you’re saying you’re not sure whether you’re being lazy and self-indulgent, or if it’s real depression, but it sure as hell sounds like depression to me. Have you spoken to anyone about it?

[QUOTE=Tony]
I always hear great things about Transcendental Meditation. The price is very steep though and I wonder if, although the technique itself might be beneficial, the whole thousands of dollars to learn it thing might not be a little fraudulent. But TM people say it’s not like other meditation techniques and so forth.
[/QUOTE]

This is one of the big reasons I have icky feelings towards meditation, actually. My uncle got really, really deep into the TM world and the Ayurveda stuff and blew all his family’s money on retreats and fancy personalized supplements. Bad divorce, horrible money problems, just not a happy ending for anyone. It turned the concept of “meditation” into “bullshit woo that can ruin your life” for me.

But, maybe, maybe, if meditation is more like what **olives **and **sidhechaos **describe, I could live with it. I always drop it in frustration because I can’t “focus on my breath.” I’m thinking “Ok, I"m on the floor, great. Lots of cat hair here, I should vacuum soon. Do we need new vacuum bags? Hm, maybe I’ll hit Target tonight. I should check if we’re out of ketchup, so I can buy that too…” And then I keep telling my brain to SHUT UP already and FOCUS but it won’t and I get mad. Like, really angry. It’s not fun. :frowning:

91

I’m having this battle with myself, too.

I could have written this. And I have. And I’ve been told again and again that I’m wrong and it’s the depression talking. And if I’m wrong, you are too!

ETA: It’s ok to be wrong this one time.

92

See, this is why I haven’t even considered disability as an option, even though there have months on end when I couldn’t hold down a job (I was lucky enough to be living with my parents at the time). That is, besides the fact that there’s no way I could live on $1000/month. Plus the difficulty in getting healthcare, even while covered by Medicare. Plus the stigma of being on disability and not having multiple missing limbs. Plus, plus, plus.

It seems like all lifestyle changes I can make to compensate for my depression are things not thought highly of by the rest of society. A single woman in her forties with a professional job who wants a roommate just for the company? Leaving work early once a week for counseling sessions? Not dating even though she’s single? Keeping two cats?

I would not be surprised. One of my worst bouts of depression came on during the fall and winter when I was working in a building with no external windows. I literally did not see the sun except on the weekends. As a result, I now have daylight spectrum lightbulbs wherever I live, and I keep a daylight spectrum SAD lamp as my main reading light.

No effing kidding. I haven’t had too many of the “think happy thoughts” people. What I do have is people telling me that I wouldn’t be depressed if I a) lost weight, b) were more active, c) went out more, d) was more responsible with my money . . . And it does no good to explain that not doing these things is actually part of the depression, not a treatment I refuse to follow.

Yep. I’ve had one conversation with my dad about the extent of my depression. He admitted that he’d had a couple of times, but that he’d just decided to stop feeling sorry for himself. Well, that’s not what it looked like when I was a kid. But. When I explained that I’d had seven different bouts at that point, that they hadn’t gotten better until I’d gotten both medication and talk therapy, and that I wanted nothing more than to feel like a normal person and do normal person things, he kind of got it. Not completely, but I could see him consider for the very first time that maybe I wasn’t morbidly oversensitive, maybe I wasn’t just “feeling sorry for myself”.

Yeah, I have (among other things) Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, so I’ve been to the endocrinologist, and I’ve had a full thyroid panel run multiple times. Nothing out of the ordinary ever shows.

And this brings me to another frustration: doctors deciding that if your labs are normal, you can’t therefore be experiencing a problem. I even had one doctor comment, when I asked for a specific thyroid test, that it was the new “cool” test everyone had to have. I’m too well socialized to grab a doctor by the lapels of his labcoat, call him an asshole, and explain through gritted teeth that maybe, just maybe, the reason so many people were asking for this new blood test is because they have chronic, undiagnosed issues and were hoping the new test could pinpoint them. Not because they want to be part of the cool crowd.

That is a thing of beauty, and I wish I’d been there to see it. I probably would have started a call and response (Preach it, sister!).

I am often discouraged and dismayed by how much the social stigma of being fat has increased over the last ten years. Even on this board, one of the safest and best educated places on the Internet, there is an enormous amount of hostility and spite towards people who struggle with their weight. And it’s all written off as a failure of personal character.

It’s exhausting, fending off that impersonal hatred over and over and over again. I find myself less willing to take risks, socially, because I expect to be ignored and rejected because of my weight. It sure as hell doesn’t help with my depression.

93

It’s like you jumped into my brain and pulled out the words that were in my heart. It’s so nice to know I am not alone and that there are others struggling in the same way.

The silliest thing happened on Friday that seems to be starting a turn around for me. I haven’t been able to go to the gym because my husband started a new job and he gets home late (late enough that if I went and exercised, I would be wired and unable to sleep at bedtime). He emailed me on Friday and said he was getting off early. So, I fought my way to the gym. Holy crap! I felt so much better for the next two days! Then I went back again on Sunday. And I am getting a chance to go again tonight.

Everything seems so much brighter. I feel like I can do things again. My husband and friends are now under strict instructions to drag my ass to the gym whenever I am feeling down.

Is this the solution?

94

Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt, and there was a sequel I cant remember right now. Memoirs of a Geisha is another one. Anything by Amy Tan, they are all good. reading is one of the few things, maybe the only thing that has not failed me. I’m to damn depressed for most my coping mechs to work, so thank for books and damn it why are they so godawful expensive now?

you’ve just described my reality, only it’s 800 a month (my utilities run close to 600 in the winter because of propane cost and the water bill is 85 every month) and despite having worked for years I don't qualify for medicaid, I live in pretty much the only state in the US where thats the case,(only non high school grads with a shitload of kids get help) and have no way to move elsewhere. Thank god for my parents saving, before she passed Mom set up an inheritence to go to a trust fund. If I am VERY frugal, it will keep me going another 15 years, maybe more. (barring major catastrophes, which you know something is going to happen) At 50 I can draw 60% of my husbands SS (I'm widowed) but with the way the govt is that could blow up in my face. The only assistance I get is reduced costs on scripts and 13 food stamps.
[/QUOTE]

I had one of those lights once, I’d kill to be able to afford another. As for the bingo card crap a)am told by dr not to exercise unless in a heated pool, live in the country, nearest one is about a 100 mile round trip. b and c)doing what, I live nowhere and physical activity is limited) d) you saw my budget, its not possible to be more responsible, I do without necessary things as it is. And peopleare just " no, that can’t be right" unless I grab them and shove the facts in their face. My previous therapist dropped me as a client because seeing me upset him, which was fine, we didn’t really click well
[/QUOTE]

ah, so you know the screwed biochemistry dance well.

I’ve damn near shook a few doctors myself

95

I don’t think exercise is a panacea, but it can definitely help. What it does for me is turn things around just long enough to pull out of the intertia and get to work. If I miss that short window of time after a workout, though, it’s back to square one. The effect definitely doesn’t last a whole day, so it’s like a quick booster to get me running again.

When I’m sick, I become very depressed. Oh I was just feeling awful yesterday, laid in bed whining and crying and feeling nauseated. And my coach somehow talked me into doing my workout anyway. And even though it wasn’t pleasant, afterward I thought, ‘‘Huh. If I can do mountain-climbers and 8-count body builders I can sure as hell go to work tomorrow.’’

Today has been a roller coaster. I missed a deadline today and it launched me into obsessive thoughts about getting fired, which would be horrible given the situation we are in with my husband’s program. I just wanted to give up. I have less than one year of experience, I am under a ton of pressure to find funding, and I try so hard but this is a really difficult gig. I fail miserably at my job and everyone will be angry at my incompetence, and I will never be able to find another job, and my husband and I will end up homeless, etc.

Then we had a staff meeting (in which nobody spat upon me in disgust) and I feel fine now. A little positive, even.

:confused:

96

For me, the short-term endorphins from exercise are great, but it is the long-term mood boost that keeps me heading back to the gym (where I get on the treadmill and think nasty thoughts about the weather, which is thus far too cold to allow my wimpy ass to run outside). I feel more awake and alert and potentially productive after a run, but after several weeks of consistent working out, I find that my mood is more stable overall. There have been tons of studies finding relationships between exercise and depression. Science is great when it backs up personal experience, but it could be the placebo effect for all I care, I just know that, for me, regular exercise helps me in the long term.

love
yams!!

PS. There are three links up there, but on preview it only looks like one. Not sure why.

97

Another person here who had some boost from Wellbutrin at first but then it stopped helping. Of course now that I’m off Wellbutrin I feel like sleeping all day long-hope this is temporary.

98

I finally got an appointment with a counselor, a week from today.

The insurance company called me and asked a bunch of personal questions, and approved my short-term disability claim.

I have been assured by my boss, and her boss, that I will be allowed to return to work at the same location I’ve been working(last time I went on leave, they replaced me and then transferred me to a different location when I returned- so much added stress!)

I am feeling much calmer about this whole not-working thing, now, though I still feel like a baby and a failure and a substandard human-being.

99

I was on Wellbutrin for awhile- it didn’t do much for the depression, and it did not help me quit smoking, like it’s known for.

Here’s a fun game- let’s see if I can remember all the meds I’ve tried. Started when I was 16 - I’m 31, now.

Paxil
Lexapro
Wellbutrin
Zyprexa
Remeron
Lamictal
Geodon
Topomax
Abilify
Amitriptyline
Nortriptylene
Seroquel
Risperidal
Effexor
Buspar
Hydroxyzine
Adderall

I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting.

100

Viibryd (Vilazodone) is a new anti-depressant that might be worth a try for people who think that they might respond to an SSRI. It works a little differently than most meds in that class:

emphasis added