Beer,
Works for me. 10 I’ll hold to ten. Who picks 'em?
Tripler
I have not yet begun to drink.
I’d like to ask the candidates the following questions:
Do you support legislation outlawing the “gry” question? And if so, what penalties do you favor? And if it’s capital punishment, will it be able to watch it on TV?
Do you put catsup on your hot dogs? How about ketchup?
What are your views on gay rights? What are views on rights for other emotions like melancholy, anger, or ecstasy?
If you were a tree, what kind would you be? If elected, what steps will you take to implement this decision?
Would you be willing to have sexual relations with a White House intern and/or bomb a foreign country if it improved your approval ratings? How about bombing the White House and/or having sexual relations with a foreigner?
Do you support research into reanimating dead people? If so, is it too late to impeach Nixon?
deb2world Los Angeles Times subscriber, my questions to the candidates
Do you lean to the left or right?
Is gas a problem?
Do you actually have a life?
Awright! It’s a Shirley Ujest/THespos ticket for 2000!
The rest of you candidates need to select running mates so I can turn them into psychic mush in a debate. While I’m waiting for that to happen, lemme answer some questions from Little Nemo and deb2world…
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With regard to outlawing the “gry” question, I support the government-sanctioned, violent, gory death of anyone asking it. This would somehow involve a huge guy named Vinnie with a neck wider than his head and a crowbar.
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No ketchup or catsup on hot dogs. I am fortunate enough to have direct access to Gray’s Papaya hot dogs (the best in the world - they’re the hot dogs that Salma Hayek sent to Matthew Perry in “Fools Rush In.”) and I would never screw them up by adding ketchup or catsup. Mustard and kraut only, please.
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Everybody has a right to be gay, just as everyone has a God-given right to walk around pissed off all the time.
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If I were a tree, I’d be the one that fell on my ex-girlfriend’s house a couple years ago. She was a bitch. I am dodging the second half of the question to the best of my ability.
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I am willing to bomb pretty much anything if it means I get to have sex with a reasonably attractive woman. For the record, Monica Lewinsky is not attractive, nor will she be until she loses 20 pounds and signs an affidavit proclaiming she will never touch a cigar again.
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I support reanimating dead people, as long as they don’t try to munch people’s brains upon reanimation. I would be in favor of reanimating Nixon for the sole purpose of throwing him into a steel cage with Andre the Giant (who we would also have to reanimate) at next year’s Wrestlemania.
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On most days, I lean to the right. However, I’ve been known to lean to the left when wearing boxers.
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Gas is a problem. I had three steak burritos at Taco Bell this afternoon. Thank God I had some Immodium lying around, otherwise I’d have a nasty case of screaming asshole.
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Do I actually have a life? Well, it depends on what you mean by “life.” Am I a carbon-based, self-aware life form that occasionally farts into the couch cushions? Yes. Am I fun to hang out and drink beer with? Yes. Am I one of those people that leaves work at 5 and immediately packs into a crowded singles bar to prove to the world that they have a “social life?” Nope.
Oh, I forgot to make a campaign promise. -ahem-
If elected, I promise to force Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth to reconcile and launch a U.S. Tour before the end of Summer 2001.
Shit hey … and you were going so well, right til you to the punch line 
Bugger!
Tell you what, drop the Lee Roth clause from the manifesto and you’ve a shoo-in for VP (Virtual Prez). I’ll work out the spin and get back to you.
I would like to thank my running mate for so intelligently handling the important issues and would like to add to his above quote by only stating that, wouldn’t Screaming Asshole be a good name for a band?
My campaign promise would be to make cheerleading an olympic sport.
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I slouch right down the middle.
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I will freely admit that I have used and ingested in beano.
3.If a so-called life is getting poufed and prissed up in order to go to a smokey loud bar filled with obnoxious drunks imbibing on the trendy named beers like Ground Hog Dung Lager and even more obnoxiously skinny younger women who cannot seem to afford shirts that tuck into their waist bands of the pants that seem to be falling off their hips too slim to squeeze a child out, then, I do not have a life. And I have never been prouder to admit this.
However, if raising my children to be God/Yahweh/Big Giant Head fearing people who are decent and polite to the outside world and belch-o-matic hooligans who can make rude noises with only their armpits while running amok around the privacy of our over-taxed hovel, sustaining their existance solely on killing and ingesting the free range dust bunnies, then I know, I as a O positive red blooded American, have done my job in not only screwing up my life, but the lives of my own flesh and blood. This is my mission statement.
- Vote Ujest/THespos!
Not your run of the mill sock puppets! *
Another reason to vote for the Ujest/THespos ticket is my running partners websight’s disclaimer:
I could just pee my pants…
Finally a forum for a pundit! I just want you all to know that I will be available after the debate to offer my opinion about who “won” and, of course, whose makeup looked best.
Now, for my proposed question:
Should Pete Rose be voted into the Hall of Fame?
Lisa, from Cincinnati
Sure, Lisa, but perhaps Football Hall of Fame, since Cooperstown ain’t listening.
Please ignore the above post.
This one is funnier:
Sure, lisa, I think he should be admitted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, but I personally haven’t heard him sing.
Hey, now, no answering the questions before hand. Save it for the debate.
Since this has greatly turned into the Shirley/Thespos campaign page, I’ll insert the link to my personal manifesto. Enjoy, voters, and be sure to vote for Jester!
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=41982
As a delegate from the belabored state of Michigan, I wish the candidates to address the following issues:
What are the suitable consequences for the poster who, while correcting some one else’s spelling, misspells?
ditto for the double post followed by the obligatory “oops, I didn’t mean to double post”???
Thank you.
Perhaps now is the appropriate time to mention that not only can my vote be purchased (attractive credit terms available), but I **am ** also available for adoption.
Wring,
As I have mentioned before, I have not yet slept with an intern. If you are available, I won’t adopt you, but I might find a position for you as “Campaign Manager”.
What’s yer price?
Tripler
Vote DG3CP in 2000!
If for nothing else, our party name doesn’t spell any acronyms!!
“I also promise to pass legislation prohibiting attractive females from wearing shirts, as it interferes with their ability to tan.”
From my previous statement. I do hope this answers your question.
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As I’ve done the former action before, I feel qualified to answer this question. If you’re going to correct someone, be well aware that you hold yourself up to correction. So while I correct wring’s supposition that “someone” is two words, I’m well aware that there are those posters scrutinizing this post for any errors in spelling, grammar, etc. on my part.
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As for posting the same thing twice, it’s an honest mistake, and so long as one doesn’t make a habit of it I see it as just that - an honest mistake.
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Hi Opal.
Mr. Moderator, I have a question.
As a political thread, shouldn’t this be in Great Debates?
< running & ducking >
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When I stand up, usually I’m leaning slightly to the right, though I have been known to slouch to the left.
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I have digestive problems - in that I tend to swallow a lot of air when I eat. So gas is a problem.
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I deny all allegations that I have a life. My academic team and school newspaper, plus the time I spend on the SDMB, forbid me from having a life.
The “gry” question should be taken out and shot six times, à la “L’Etranger”. It should then be drawn, quartered, broiled and served with broccoli spears.
I refuse to discuss punishing anything or one with money.
I’m a mustard kind of guy myself, though I have eaten hot dogs with ketchup/catsup before.
I prefer gay lefts to gay rights . . . but as I’m a lefty, that makes sense.
Melancholy should be given free reign in this society. Ecstasy should be used to spice the broccoli spears, and anger should be changed to angry and given the same fate as the “gry” question.
I’d be a bonsai tree, because Mr. Miyagi is damn cool. If elected I promise to buy the rights to future “Karate Kid” sequels, in order to prevent them from being made.
If elected, I will choose someone for the position of “intern discipliner”, who will teach the interns what to do. I will also make sure to implement my “no shirt” rule, as I will not make the mistake of having ugly interns in the White House. Ugly interns do not impress foreign heads of state.
I refuse to bomb the White House. I will, however, “drop bombs” in the bathroom when appropriate.
Let sleeping dogs, pigs, apes and all other lower life forms stay dead. Besides, Nixon probably smells really bad right now.
This is just a reminder to all the candidates, the debate begins at tomorrow morning. I’ll post the ground rules, introduction of candidates and the first question early tomorrow morning.