First of all I am the candidate for president from the TRAP party, and I protest the exclusion of seventh party candidates from this debate. As you may have gathered from the debate thus far there is little difference between the candidates on the issues that really matter to the future of the SDMB.
As the candidate from the Troll Anti Defamation Party I am opposed to new rules and regulations that discriminate against members of the troll minority. This does not mean that I do not support punishment of trolls who brake the rules, but I will not accept this talk of ‘troll-vaporizing rays’ and ‘troll hunts’. Jester and would you feel if some one devised a weapon that killed only people with ‘Jest’ in their name? Isn’t there a little bit of troll in all of us? Shouldn’t a second chance be given to people who display trollish behavior but then go on to be productive members of the SDMB society?
I am appalled at the negative turn this campaign has taken. The accusations that I am in the pocket of Hollywood are totally false. I had this name long before I started receiving free access to porn sites from the great people of Hollywood.
I would like to say to all the Dopers in the audience I support fruit and veggies but I am appalled that some people have brought guns and alcohol to what should be a serious discussion of the issues.
In conclusion I implore you the members of the SDMB, vote how your mind not the SDP-IWLBAHP-DGTCP-WHMHRTP-ASFP-TASPP sexopoly says.
Uh…huh. Anyway, whilst mine goons are taking care of good ol’ Carl, I’d like to ensure everyone that the tequila has arrived, and is being distributed to the table at the left.
As for not mentioning recreational drugs yet, well, I think that filthy did an EXCELLENT job of it, but I’ll just say that I didn’t bring it up because, frankly, I thought it was understood that drugs will be freely distributed to all Straight Dopers. Oh, but only if you vote for ME.
Less than fifty words? I got that covered. Hell, I’m pretty drunk myself by this point, and that rotten fruit I ate isn’t quite agreeing with me. Let me just summarize my stance…
Dopers…GOOD! Dopers…RULE WORLD!! Dopers…HUZZAH!
There we go. Now, since my two rebuts are gone, Uncle Beer, could you come out from behind that steel cage and say the next question?
<Gets glass of tequila, raises it to Wally>
In memory of the one who SHOULD be president. :wally:
Blah blah blah. All talk and no proof. And I bought Chinese secrets, dammit! I wanted to know what was in General Tso’s chicken!! What a cheap attempt at slinging mud. You dare accuse me of supporting the forces of stupidity? I remind you that I raised a damn Army on behalf of Cecil, in order to rid the world of those damn teenie-boppers.
You may call me a troll hugger but how is that an insult to me? It is true that I do not want to see this rare and humorous species to fall to the flamethrowers and deathrays of troll hunters. I foresee a day when the halls of the SDMB will no longer ring with the rants and raves of trolls when their flames will no longer singe the bottoms of our glorious moderators. Is this what you want? I say that we should not kill the trolls when they appear. We should instead make sure that they will no longer be a menace to themselves and others. The ones that cannot be rehabilitated and reintegrated into the general population should be relocated into their own corner of the SDMB. In this troll preserve they will be alone to fight amongst themselves and only feed by trained troll researchers who will be protected by the latest in antitroll technology. And the final goal of this preserve is not the segregation of trolls from non trolls but a place were resources can work on the now impossible dream of changing the trolls so that they become less trollish in nature and can be readmitted to normal SDMB society.
What an ignorant fool you are, Tripler. If you had spent any time researching my background, you’d know that I’m an Imperialistic Dictator bent on using the Presidency as a stepping stone to conquering the universe, heaven, and hell. Sheesh.
Hey, I just wanted to introduce my running mate, Psycho Kitten. Not a very prolific poster, but I’ve seen 'er naked, so she’s the most qualified for the job.
…lands heavily on her head after attempting a somersault. OWWWWWW. So this is why the British don’t do cheerleadering. Still, the outfit rather nice and the pom poms make a nice swishy sound.
SWISH SWISH SWISH
Anyway - vote Jester, free recreation drugs and I get to be in charge of foreign doper affairs. I’ll smack you over the head with this bottle if you don’t.
Hmmmmmm, there’s vodka in here, so you can either have some of this or get hit by it
Aaaaaaaahhh. I now see the folly of your ways! You are nothing but a farce! How dare you remove the chains of stupidity, while enslaving me with the chains of the likes of you!! Communist!!
I, the war hero that I am, do believe the good Dopers of the world will see through your evil nature, and will cast a vote for freedom, for intelligence, for Tripler
Vote for me, and you’ll recieve a free six-pack of beer at no obligation to you. Just send me a quick e-mail with your home address, and a nice cold frosty six-pack will be waiting for you after work.*
Tripler
Winning the world over, one brewski at a time.
*Due to electoral law, offer not available in the Contiguous 50 states, AL, HI, the former Soviet Union, Eastern Bloc, NATO, Africa, Asia, South America, or Easter Island.
Jesus Christ! Who the fuck let Teddy Kennedy in here? All right goddammit, next question (and next shot).
We’re moving from IP Logging to Timber. The folowing question was submitted by Little Nemo from the Ancient Comic Strip Coalition.
Little Nemo disrespectfully asks of the candidates “If you were a tree, what kind would you be?” And as a follow-up “If elected, what steps will you take to implement this decision?”
If I were to be a tree, I would be the number “tree”. We all know that you can’t count without going: wahn, too, tree, foah, and fife. I would implement this decision by allowing more timbah loggin’, so dat I’d be the only tree around.
<thinking>
Hmmmmmmmmm…another stumper. Oh well, you did all right on the first question, so same strategy here.
Well…if…err, if I was a tree? Good question. Well, if I was a tree, I’d be one bitch-ass, party-givin, drug-given, troll-kicken tree, THAT’S for sure!
Yeah, boyee!
(Oh, did I mention that if i am elected, I’ll hand out gratuitous titles to anybody who wants one to put into their sig, a la Swiddle’s patron saint thread?)
Also, MORE DRUGS FOR ALL!!
Oh, and in response to my troll-hugging friend over there, I’d like to say that, under my plan, trolls would not be harmed when captured. They would be tranqued, tagged, and released into the wild. Using the technology, we’d track their movements, until they led us to their sock-puppet lair, and THEN we’d wipe em out with my troll death-ray o’ doom. I think that’s about as humane as they deserve, no?
