adjusts bid board
Silver: a bajillion dollars still
Saph and Nym: 80+ empty tins of Altoids, A large stuffed animal frog named Mortimer, Chocolate. Lots of chocolate.
Beautiful and lyric love poetry, Chances to experience life at a Venerable New England College (Ivy league, no less) that is currently buried under a foot and a half of snow, someone who honestly understand period cramps PLUS…
Hot Lesbian Loving For Charity (would that make a cool band name or what?)
It appears that Fiver has taken the initiative and removed SexyWriter from the auction block by force of arms. Smart thinking.
::bashere drops the full amount of his bid for SexyWriter on the auction block, including one whiteboard, one stapler, and a large white tarp that has sat un his desk for the last 8 months for no readily apparent reason::
Come along, jarbabyj. We have some training to do. Your submissivness is good, but we need to work on your moaning skills…
[waving to fellow slaves] see you at the SDMB BDSM Picnic!
at your service, sir
jarbabyj
Well, let’s see…what could I bid that tops Iceland?
…I got one. I bid Cancun, Mexico, for the lovely Nym. This bid includes all the major resort hotels, the luxury cruise liners, and 3 dedicated luxury passenger jets for the transport of people desiring to see beautiful Cancun for a low cost.
In addition, I bid the Crown Jewels of England for display in a museum of choice of a charity, as well as the world’s largest diamond.
As a last part of this bid, I will put up Britney Spear’s vocal chords on a platinum platter.
dpr, if you don’t think that tops Iceland, you need to take a trip to Cancun to experience it for yourself.
Yeah, that one’s going to cost you, arden. Specifically, you must complete an act of public display. Here’s what I want you to do.
I want you to put on black stockings, a black garter belt, a black bra, a string of pearls and your highest fuck-me black shoes. No panties, no dress. Over your “outfit” you will wear a raincoat or a long winter coat. A good one.
Dressed only in that, you are to go to a WalMart or Kmart or some such place and purchase 60 feet of white cotton/poly blend rope, a roll of duct tape and a bag of wooden clothespins. Nothing else (for now). If someone asks you why you are buying these things, you are not to lie.
On the way to the store or on the way home, you are to stop and buy gas. Pump it yourself. When you pay the attendant (no card at the pump!), you will give him a hint of what you’re wearing. You need not flash him, but he ought to be left wondering.
Then you are to tell the entire story here – how you felt, was your “outfit” discovered or nearly discovered, etc. what you want done with the rope – everything.
Game?
( [sub]oh, he’s goood…[/sub] )
Would you like that done during the day or at night, sir?
Today or tonight, makes no difference to me.
Just post your results by tomorrow night at 8:00 CST.
Jarbaby? JARBABY! Wait! Hang on! Don’t… oh, damn… <hangs head in dejection, shoulders slump, walking towards door>
Another Newbie Crush™ down the drain… 
It shall be done, sir.
:: wanders off to find the black garterbelt and decide which pair of f*ck me shoes are the highest ::
bashere:
Quite right. dpr, you should pay closer attention to your own thread. SexyWriter is no longer for sale, and in fact at this very moment she is feeding me seedless peeled grapes from atop her own pair of black fuck-me shoes.
It’s been a pleasure doing business with you all.
Actually Fiver, you should pay more attention to the rules and terms and conditions.
No-one can be forcibly removed. See those big muscly brutes over there? Yep the ones marked mods… They’re here to protect the girls. And they ain’t sold till ** I ** say they’re sold.
But get in quick. Sexy goes VERY soon…
Well, well, well… I see it’s come down to my final bid. No problem.
I’d still like to make this for all of the fine Women of the Straight Dope [sub](we need to market this as a calendar)[/sub], but since it seemed I was only in the running for the lovely** Nymysys**, I’ll correct accordingly.
Knowing that she is currently sick, I offer her home-made chicken noodle soup, her choice of piping hot jasmine, green tea or a chocolate martini, hot-drawn baths and warm flannel sheets (bed warmer not-so-much-an-option).
Since I’m supposed to make a bid that will go to charity (who the heck is this Charity chick, anyway?), in addition to everything I’ve offered previously, I tender:
[ul][]the head of Bill Gates (and his bank book) on a pike[]another server for The Reader to help speed things up []flood-proof land in Oz (and a sump-pump, just in case)[]an industrial-sized pail of “Troll-B-Gone” anda list of three words that end in “–gry”[/ul]
dpr, I doubt anyone wants a slave who is “independent in every sense.” You may have to keep me for yourself. 
Hey thinksnow, those personal offers don’t count towards the slave bid!
And knowing I only have one bid left, I’m going to see which bid dpr thinks is the best before I use it. Nym will be mine!
Two words, Monster: you’re high.
[sub]okay, three words, but they look like two, so friggin’ deal[/sub]
But jailbai… er… Matt am… er ** Monster104 ** I’m closing the bidding shortly and no there WON’T be any notice. You could miss out…
And it will be difficult to beat think’s bid. After all - the charity could use those ‘-gry’ words well.
Wow, that’s quite a bit. Going once… Going twice…
dpr, I admit that the Troll-B-Gone will be quite useful, but come on, a list of 3 words ending in -gry? That’s nothing big.
But…I gotta try and top it, don’t I?
So, in addition to the items which I have alread put up for bidding, which are:
-3 sheep
-3 Kegs of fine imported beer
-Regis Philbin’s head on a pike
-Cancun, Mexico, with the luxury resorts and luxury cruise lines, as well as luxury private jets for transport
-The Crown Jewels of England
-The world’s largest diamond
-Britney Spear’s vocal chords on a platinum platter
I will also put up:
-a rewritten script of Star Wars Episode II, in which Jar Jar is killed
-The truthful results of the 2000 presidential elections
-The recipe for secret sauce
-Andy Richter back on the Late Night with Conan O’Brian Show, with group passes to the show
-A formula for making drunk people sober
-A revolutionary back-scratching and rubbing machine, with full internet connectivity networkability, with a virtual reality headset with 8,924 channels, with an OS that never crashes yet can play all PC-compatible games, and has full voice-recognition capabilities with 100% accuracy in every language, with included translation capabilities (It scratches to satisfaction!)
-Finally, an ignorance vaccine to fight ignorance before it starts
Take that, thinksnow!
I guess I should have specifically noted that I’m taking credit for being the first to post. That’s right, the benchmark that all others must compare themselves to. It takes little to simply take a sum and add one to it.
Like the copy store clerk in Jerry Macguire said:
Well, well, well…
It appears that [ul]
[li]a googolplex of lira[/li][li]tickets to Mozart’s Requiem in downtown Calcutta performed by lemmings[/li][li]a harem of dromedaries[/ul][/li]didn’t even get me into the running, so I suppose I shall have to add a few items to my first bid for Nymysys.
Consider the following: [ul]
[li]a gigabit ethernet line running directly to the SDMB server[/li][li]free lifetime internet service for two purposes, a) the Straightdope, and b) cybersex[/li][li]in the words of John Stewart, “Whores…lots of whores!”[/li][li]the addition of midget tossing to the Olympic games[/li][li]professional athletes shall have their pay reduced such that their gross income is equivalent to one USD above the poverty line.[/li][li]politicians shall be automatically be infected with the flesh-eating disease and instantaneously show the symptoms of tertiary syphilis in the event of uttering a lie[/li][li]population control measures shall be implemented such that the stupid shall become fodder for carnivorous plants[/li][li]no beauty pageant entrants shall be permitted to speak, more specifically, they shall not be permitted to utter the words, [airhead voice] “I wish for world peace,” [/airhead voice][/li][li]and finally, war shall be declared on Andorra (just for kicks) [/ul][/li]
[sub]and Nym, just for you, I’ll compile a new voice program[/sub] 