There’re sort of unwritten rules about nothing personalized, or gender-specific, even if the couple has revealed it, and if they get things like cribs, they generally don’t assemble them until after the birth, nor open clothes in packages, etc. (though, it’s up to the individual couple), but yeah, we do them.
It’s a strong tradition, but really, that’s all it is, unless you want to call it a superstition (one that goes back only about 600 years). There’s nothing in scripture that actually prohibits showers-- or, as far as I know, even mentions them. And the superstition is just among the Ashkenazim-- Sephardic Jews have always done them.
I think my shul does them, and allows them, partly because of midwest culture, partly the number of mixed marriages, but also partly because we had a Sephardic rabbi for a very long time, and he drew a lot of Sephardic families to the congregation.
It’s been OK for a long time also for employees to bring bean and rice food for themselves into the building during Passover, even though beans and rice are not allowed to be prepared in the kitchen. As a vegetarian, I’ve always been grateful for that.
Oh-- Wallet was referencing a powerful tradition/superstition, and other synagogues that represent different kinds of communities, like ones in New York, where nearly everyone’s family came from the same part of Russia, still do follow a lot of old-world traditions-- they also have fewer mixed marriages, even if it’s a liberal congregation.
It’s not gossip and judgment-- it’s genuine concern for not offending people.
Again-- Judaism is different-- we’re all about food. My mother said often that it’s a shandeh (a shame, or sort of actual transgression, not just a faux pas), not to bring home leftovers after a party. If there aren’t leftovers, then there is the possibility that even one person did not eat to satisfaction, and we just can’t have that.
I wasn’t answering Wallet, but your OP. You are concerned about doing this nice thing for a family who could use the help because “some people” wouldn’t like it. The social dynamics of which are that there might be gossip and judgement aimed at you or the recipient.
And it just burns my biscuits that such a kind and thoughtful instinct might be smothered in that way by people whose hearts just are not in the right place. I think this sort of social dynamic is common to all human religious organizations and societies. But in the case of a religious organization, we are supposed to have someone who helps us to keep our hearts in the right place, no?
So maybe think in terms of helping those whose spirituality needs a fluffing up, instead of allowing your own generosity of spirit to be dampened.
Well, I wouldn’t want my generosity of spirit to plaster the family, and having the minister preach a sermon is pretty out there.
Most people’s objection would be about drawing the line, and who gets second showers, and who doesn’t, and I wasn’t so much worried about gossip and judgment, as how to keep it appropriate for a second time around. People planning second weddings have the same concerns.
OK then. It sounded to me like you were trying to throw yourself on the gossip grenade even though you couldn’t really afford anything like what her first shower entailed. Which is a beautiful and generous instinct.
Talked to E’s mother, and she mediated a conversation with E, who was all in favor of something low-key, and loved the idea of a “sharing the bounty” used items party, with people having the option of bringing food as a contribution instead.
She wants to talk to her husband about big ticket items-- they used the same carseat for both their other kids, and so it is outdated, and they need two new ones, plus another crib. They have a tandem stroller for toddlers, but they want something that will fit two carseats.
I think they should have a small registry, one that allows people to pay toward items, and not the whole amount. Probably extra funds can buy diapers, but she wants to see if there is one that will put extra money toward helping families who can’t pay for carseats, or something.
Just as another datapoint, I worked with a woman from Iran, but she was ethnically Armenian. She’d been in the US about five years when she and her husband (also, an Iranian Armenian) got pregnant. A group of her coworkers said we’d throw her a shower, and she had no idea what we were talking about. She thought it was going to be like a ritual bathing or something. She said “back home” they only had a party with gifts for the baby after it was born so as not to cause any kind of bad feelings if the baby didn’t make it.
She didn’t have any superstitions that way, so she told us to go ahead. I was happy when her daughter decided to attend UCLA because of my influence. Bwahahaha.
Must be a regional thing - I’m in NYC and any sort of party I go to will have food. Even a Tupperware type party will something more than chips. Very possibly because nearly everyone I know comes from one of the cultures where if you don’t have leftovers, you didn’t have enough food.
Yeah-- when you get to Olam Ha-ba, and there’s an accounting of your life, they will ask you about that time when you hosted a whatever, and there was no food left at the end.
As a kid growing up in a Jewish community with a Jewish mom, it is funny how true this was. If I went over a classmate’s house after school to work on a project, there’d be a snack offered always.
Then, when I was leaving to go home for dinner, friend’s mom would insist on making me a small plate of whatever she was serving for their dinner. If I declined, saying I would eat when I got home, she would argue that it was a three block walk home. I learned not to argue.
I’m doing e-vites, which will be a first for me, because this entire century, every hand-mailed invitation I’ve issued since about 1992 has been problematic in terms of getting responses, even when I included email addresses and phone numbers for replying.
The e-vite just has a button to click.
There will also be a link to a webpage I’m hosting (at an address I already own, but not linking to anything else posted there) announcing that the parents are using the hand-me-downs from their previous kids, but now they’ll have to dress two, need sleepers, and blankets, and crib sheets for two, winter gear for two, and so on, so all donations of used items are greatly appreciated.
Used maternity clothes for tall, thin women expecting twins appreciated too.
They’re picking out two carseats, a stroller, and a crib, and those will be posted with a way to donate money. There will be a note that all money over and above what is needed will be divided between a fund for maternity clothes and a charity that helps people who have difficulty affording them get carseats.
I’m still working on it. Which is why I’m up this late.
And, of course, bringing food is always an option. There’s a place to enter that you’ll be doing this, which takes you to a page to enter what you will bring, so everyone won’t bring gefilte fish.
I’ve never heard of a sprinkle, either, but reading it in this thread the meaning was obvious. If you are concerned that people in your community might feel awkward about a second shower, you might consider introducing the term, and naming this a “sprinkle”.
I never heard of it before about 5 years ago - which not coincidentally was the first time I was invited to a shower-like event for someone who already had a 2 year old.