WARNING: The following message has been evaluated by the Pure Food and Drug Act and the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills as Not Safe for Anyone, Anywhere, at Anytime.
Read at your own risk.
This is a real message I received on OkCupid from some hopeful idiot who’s username has been withheld to protect the dumbass. As you read this, I would like you to imagine yourself as a young woman with a heart open to love, with your whole life ahead of you. And then you click on a link, and find that, unbidden, the internet has regurgitated THIS into your face:
I like how he points out that ‘we’ are not on our first date. Y’know, he’s not implying I’m a filthy whore or anything. I’m a classy dame. He probably took me on two and a half imaginary dates before getting me in the sack.
And why is ‘Tantalizingly’ capitalized? More importantly, what in this scenario is ‘Tantalizing’ if he’s ‘ill unbuttoning’ my top?
While writing this, this guy was no doubt imagining my girl-parts heaving and glistening with sheen and all sorts of cool stuff like that. While my buttons are being kissed (is he talking about my real buttons or is buttons a euphemism for something? Any ideas?)
This happens immediately after he feeds me enough rohypnol to kill an elephant. He’s getting so hot-under-the-collar at this fantasy that he’s talking in sentence fragments.
As I look him in the eyes and whisper. Slowly. Seductively. “Let me out of this basement, I am feeling uncomfortable. I want you to call me a cab right now.”
Then my eyes trail lower, lower. They shine. I begin to giggle, then to laugh. Mockingly.
And then Dr. Frank-N-Furter struts in, arches an eyebrow, and says, “I see you shiver, with antici…(SAY IT!)…pation!”
Wow, after spending what had to have been the maximum output of *dozens *of brain cells on that, uh, erotic scenario, he’s willing to take me out on a romantic date to the local target/kmart for an icy confectionary drink. Yummy. Where have you been all my life!!!
Just to up the creepy factor, he then DEMANDS my phone number. I like it when guys don’t wait till later to drop the facade and reveal their evil colors, but allow you to see the degenerate, creepy manchild from the very beginning. Considerate.