Sensual Seduction, or ridiculous okcupid messages I have received (NSFW)

[Perciful]

Wow, Sounds like they were typing right out of a Penthouse forum! How incredibly offensive.

I wish you luck. I met a pig farmer that cured me of online dating.

I hit on a real guy today only to find out he’s on Methadone and is a Pentecostal and speaks in tongues. He also has diabetes and neuropathy and lives in senior housing. He is 61 and a Viet Nam Vet that was exposed to Agent Orange.

I’m all set.

[EvilTOJ]

Oh god… my sides… The snarky commentary just made me lose it!

[Gestalt]

Srsly, are dopers writing this shit to each other?

FDH, you need to report that PM to a mod. That’s so inappropriate.

[drachillix]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

Here is the beginning one I got unsolicited from a Doper about three weeks ago as a PM. I can’t give you the entire thing – it is far too pornographic…

Gee, and some guys send flowers.

[drachillix]

@Mississippienne

Just to up the creepy factor, he then DEMANDS my phone number. I like it when guys don’t wait till later to drop the facade and reveal their evil colors, but allow you to see the degenerate, creepy manchild from the very beginning.

So whens the wedding?

[Malthus]

@drachillix

@Fried_Dough_Ho

Here is the beginning one I got unsolicited from a Doper about three weeks ago as a PM. I can’t give you the entire thing – it is far too pornographic…

Gee, and some guys send flowers.

It is better that the ones who are into scat don’t send anything.

[Fried_Dough_Ho]

@Gestalt

Srsly, are dopers writing this shit to each other?

FDH, you need to report that PM to a mod. That’s so inappropriate.

I already indicated to him that I was not interested so the matter is dealt with. I hate to say that I’m used to it but I’m sure it stemmed from my celibacy thread which undoubtedly gave the impression that I was receptive to such dialogue.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

@Malthus

It is better that the ones who are into scat don’t send anything.

The really bad ones are those who are into scat and DO send something. :eek:

[descamisado]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

I bet your auburn hair is soft like cotton and smooth like silk, something I could notice rubbing the tension out of your shoulders before pulling it back to kiss the back of your neck in that ticklish spot on the back that sens a little jolt of ticklish electricity down your back. Then I’d reach around and hold your hands, the heat of my body pressed against your back and wrapped around your shoulders, and I’d whisper in your ear something too quite to understand. Then when you turned your head to ask “what?”, I’d kiss you on the cheek, and then on the lips, and I’d say “that’s what”.

Meanwhile my hands would begin feeling your belly starting just above your belly button, parting, caressing the sides of your hips, going back almost to your rear but not quite, and then going forward to just under your belly button.

After that I’d whisper in your ear that your breath makes my pulse quicken, and holding your hand takes my breath away.

That was supposed to go to friedo! Can you forward it for me?

[Thudlow_Boink]

The dude needs to take seduction lessons from Smoove B.

Damn.

[Robot_Arm]

@Mississippienne

At the risk of getting way ahead of myself, I’ll give you one scenario I think could be likely. Obviously not a first date, but, we’re on a bed, kissing. I kiss your neck, I kiss behind your ear, and down to your shoulders I Tantalizingly, and slowly ill unbutton your top.

While writing this, this guy was no doubt imagining my girl-parts heaving and glistening with sheen and all sorts of cool stuff like that. While my buttons are being kissed (is he talking about my real buttons or is buttons a euphemism for something? Any ideas?)

My first thought was “what if you’re wearing a pullover?”

@Mississippienne

Fried Dough Ho, that is EPIC. Homer and Virgil weep in purgatory because of their inability to write something so amazing, so erotic, so nastytacular. Can we have an internet law, maybe we could call it the Mississippienne-Fried Dough Ho Corollary, that the more likely you are to write and send an erotic fantasy to an unwilling internet recipient, the less likely that anything in your fantasy will EVER come true?

I’m not so sure about that. For one thing, I think guys are essentially pragmatic. If this sort of thing never worked, it would have died out by now.

Thanks for the insight on the competition, though. It is simultaneously heartening and really depressing.

[Maiira]

You got yourself a regular Casanova, there, girlfriend. You must go on this date. And you must demand Target–after all, a girl’s gotta have standards.

(What was your response?)

[Bricker]

@Mississippienne

@corkboard

That’s it? He stopped as he’s gazing up at your eyes from his vantage point by your panty-covered skin? Then what happened?!?! I have to know!

Then I farted in his face. Dr. Frank-N-Furter untied me and we proceeded to screw on Creepy Guy’s bed, while Creepy Guy locked himself in the closet and masturbated furiously, while using his tears for lubricant.

Creepy Guy will be asleep right now. Do you really want him to see you… like THIS?!?

[Edward_The_Head]

@Robot_Arm

Thanks for the insight on the competition, though. It is simultaneously heartening and really depressing.

I went on a date two weeks ago and she said she gets these kinds of things. Makes me wonder why my most good grammar means nothing to these women with college degrees. Maybe we need to start opening up with I want to unbutton your blouse.

[pbbth]

The scariest part about those messages is that somewhere out there is a woman on whom this kind of thing works. :eek:

I have to believe that men wouldn’t keep doing that shit if it didn’t get some type of response. One guy I went on a date with later emailed me detailed erotica he’d written about me and then called me and told me not to read it. I think he was sad when he realized that I honestly didn’t read it and had no intention of doing so in the first place. I’m sure other women at some point found the erotica-in-which-they-are-the-star attention charming and attractive but I sure didn’t.

[Robot_Arm]

@Edward_The_Head

I went on a date two weeks ago and she said she gets these kinds of things. Makes me wonder why my most good grammar means nothing to these women with college degrees. Maybe we need to start opening up with I want to unbutton your blouse.

And “she walks in beauty like the night” has become too much of a cliché.

[Steve_MB]

@Joey_P

I have issues with people that can’t use proper grammar. I’d stop reading the first time he said “Ill” and didn’t mean he was sick.

Hey, these mistakes happen when you only have one hand free to type with.

[BigT]

@Robot_Arm

@Mississippienne

While writing this, this guy was no doubt imagining my girl-parts heaving and glistening with sheen and all sorts of cool stuff like that. While my buttons are being kissed (is he talking about my real buttons or is buttons a euphemism for something? Any ideas?)

My first thought was “what if you’re wearing a pullover?”

@Mississippienne

Fried Dough Ho, that is EPIC. Homer and Virgil weep in purgatory because of their inability to write something so amazing, so erotic, so nastytacular. Can we have an internet law, maybe we could call it the Mississippienne-Fried Dough Ho Corollary, that the more likely you are to write and send an erotic fantasy to an unwilling internet recipient, the less likely that anything in your fantasy will EVER come true?

I’m not so sure about that. For one thing, I think guys are essentially pragmatic. If this sort of thing never worked, it would have died out by now.

Thanks for the insight on the competition, though. It is simultaneously heartening and really depressing.

I don’t think you guys understand the purpose of this stuff. This is just plain cybersex. It’s not supposed to be real. And, yes, some people on those would be happy to receive that stuff. The fantasy is all they want.

Granted, most people start out a bit slower than that. But even women do it. If you’re married and wanting to enjoy pretending to have sex, and the other person is game for it, great. What do you have to lose? It’s not like you actually wanted a chance to actually be with the person.

Come on, I’m a fat dude who doesn’t hide it on those sites, and my face is far from attractively symetrical. And my page flat out says I’m not looking for anyone. And I’ll still get people doing this to me.

[Boyo_Jim]

@ReticulatingSplines

…Opening your inbox is always a surprise! I would like that. …

This is the opening of his second 2nd email.

From the first letter, I especially like the part about his plan to bite his own lip, as a tactic of some kind.

[CairoCarol]

Biting my lip I’d meet your eyes from down at your waist, releasing the panty covered skin as it quivers with anticipation.

This is my favorite line, as it can be parsed so entertainingly:

“your eyes from down at your waist” - because Mississipienne has extra eyes! (Probably to go with all her buttons.) One of the supplementary pairs is at her waist.

“releasing the panty-covered skin” - if it is being released, it must have been grabbed, but we haven’t really heard about that part. Did anyone else hear the snap of underwear elastic at this point?

“it quivers with anticipation” - WHAT quivers with anticipation? Okay, we know the “it” was the “panty-covered skin.” But since it is panty-covered, how can we see the quivering? Is there an alternative explanation? Perhaps it was the lip or the waist that was quivering.

I’d like it best if it was the pair of eyes from down at the waist that quivered.