Crap sorry!! I am really having trouble adjusting to this board’s QUOTE method haha I’ll make sure to preview my posts more closely!
The above “Dan Savage” bit in my last post belongs to BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed!
If I became ill in some way where I was no longer able to satisfy my GF, and I knew she loved me emotionally but I was unable or unwilling to take care of her physical needs, I would let her go get those satisfied somewhere else. As long as the straying partner is still emotionally invested in their partner and is safe and uses condoms and comes back to the relationship at the end of the day, it can work.
But then, I actually care about my GF and her needs and wouldn’t condemn her to a sexless life out of my own insecurities.
In the OPs case, it’d probably blow up, he’s 12 years in. He MIGHT be in a position where it’s clearly evident to his wife that this is a huge deal affecting him and has depressed him for a while so she may be more open to it (VS springing it on her when she doesn’t think anything is wrong), but there is absolutely a risk of it blowing up. At the very least, even if it worked out she would DEFINATELY go through a very pissed off period where she tests the fuck out of how adamant he is about this.
Again it comes down to which is worse to the OP: An angry wife and possible messy divorce or unsatisfying to no sex for the next 30+ years of his life.
Swinging together is another possibility, but again if she has a sex drive for that then she simply doesn’t have the drive for HIM and that goes back to Option 1 which I again stress he should try first.
Do you two get to spend any kid-free, quality time together? What did you two used to do together that you enjoyed together? Is there a grandmother who can keep the kids overnight or a babysitter available for a weekend night?
You are both busy with full time work and school, and the kids are another full time job. Is she working two jobs while you work one?
About half an hour or so is the actual business aspect from foreplay to finish. The real problem is that I wake up throughout the night feeling slimy. So all told it equals a bad nights sleep.
Have you looked into female condoms, perhaps? I’ve never even seen one in person, but it seems like maybe they would be a different feel than a male condom for him, and perhaps nicer for you in that they keep the semen contained.
Next time my girly bugs me about getting married I’m showing her this thread and this thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=13406345#post13406345. My ignorance has been fought. Marriage = bad idea. At least for the man, although lots of the ladies seem unhappy too.
Unrelated, does everyone get the same ads at the bottom of this thread? They’re pretty hilarious. Google has some pretty interesting suggestions for how to improve sex in your marriage.
How to Convert to Islam. Learn to restrain those urges the spiritual way. Or failing that, you can add another wife.
Single Colombian Women. If you’re not interested in giving up the booze or the pork, google has another route for your sexual problems.
The Ultimate Fighter. Deal with pent up sexual frustration the way young men traditionally deal with it. Beat somebody up!
Just from what’s written here, it sounds like there’s a significant dichotomy between the OP and his wife’s sex drives and interests. Unfortunately, such a gap is unlikely to be bridged by the standard types of suggestions regarding more quality time together, changes in techniques or approaches, more chores done by hubby, etc.
While I’m not a particular fan of therapy for all of life’s little bumps and scratches (which in my opinion are better solved by two people communicating with each other, adult-style), for this big of a disconnect, a visit to a competent sex-positive couple’s therapist would not be a bad idea.
Meanwhile, sitting down together and listening to Dan Savage’s podcasts, and discussing them together would probably prove educational and enlightening for both parties.
(I feel like this is TMI, but then I remember this is the SDMB.) You might consider being on top, in which case at least some of the mess won’t stay with you. And maybe some small towels (“guest” towels or nice soft washcloths) close enough to grab. (We keep them in the small cupboard in the headboard.)
And maybe a small plastic sort of bag, like for a small wastebasket, to protect the used towels from the dog?
I know, it seems like a lot to deal with, or think ahead about, but it might be better than the alternative.
And for the OP, I’m going to add to the suggestions to have your wife check her physical health. Low iron levels, low thyroid levels, various hormonal imbalances, things that won’t necessarily make her feel like she’s ‘unhealthy’, might make a bigger difference than you realize. And it won’t hurt her to find out, anyway, for her own sake.
Keep fresh panties in your night table drawer, along with whatever size absorbent pad you feel you’ll need. Sleep with the pad-lined panties on and you won’t have mess dripping down your leg.
This is great advice. Personally, my libido starts to wane when life gets either too hectic or too predictable. If it goes on for long enough, I stop even missing sex. However, in both cases, I can get in the mood with a little effort. Asking for sex will never qualify as “a little effort”. Flirting, teasing, etc. will almost always work.
Having little kids or any kind of high stress will tend to sap a woman’s libido, while the same kind of situation may feed a man’s, in my experience (not just personal but talking with other mothers).
Here is my theory of sex drive differences between men and women (particularly mothers)*: for men, sex is like putting on sweatpants and kicking back in a recliner in front of your favorite TV show. They crave sex when they feel stressed, worn out, and put upon. It revitalizes them.
For women, sex is like going for a jog (assuming you kind of like jogging). It will feel good if you do it, revitalize you and get your endorphins pumping. But, it’s kind of a lot of work. You have to get over the hump (shut up) of preparing and willing yourself to do it before you actually get out there and wind up enjoying it and in the end you’re glad you did it.
I find my libido is highest when I feel like I have a good long stretch of unpressured time to myself. When the kid are at grandma’s for the weekend, sex prospect is good. If my husband propositions me after I’ve fallen into bed in a state of exhaustion, after a day of constant demands of an interpersonal and physical nature, I’ll just be fucking annoyed.
For what it’s worth . . .
*this is on average, and obviously individuals will vary a lot
I’m in somewhat the same boat as the OP. We have sex maybe 6 times a year. You’d think my wife has low libido. But when we do have sex she orgasms quickly within minutes, usually more than once and violently. She gets real lovey dovey afterwards. She gets better orgasms than me and yet shows little interest afterwards until for some unknown reason she decides to get turned on.
Go figure.
Needless to say this is very frustrating for me because when she’s hot she’s really really hot. Every night I wonder if this could be the night.
Regarding not wanting to get up and get cleaned up after sexing it up - unless you WANT urinary tract infections, you really need to go wash and pee after sex. Sorry, but that’s just the way we’re plumbed.
This is a really good point. I got so caught up in solving one aspect of the problem that I ignore the fact that the other part is more important. :smack:
I’m not married, but we kind of have a similar problem. It’s happened before with me - I just don’t have a lot of long-term drive, I guess. I get… bored? I don’t know, maybe I just get used to smelling a guy and it isn’t exciting anymore. But I keep meaning to try to have more sex and it keeps just getting put off, and I know he’s unhappy about it and it’s kind of a source of misery for both of us. Ugh.
