Sex problems in marriage

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Same here. I’m just bored with the whole thing. I’m not unhealthy, although I am a bit lazy. It’s a lot of trouble for little reward. I only do it to make my SO happy, and I try really hard to make sure we get it in at least once a week or he starts grumbling. And I do get into it usually once we’re started. It’s just that he has to make such a production out of it, even when we do it more often. Even if it’s every day like it was in the beginning. “Quickie” is not in his vocabulary.

I KNOW the OP’s wife. I mean, not personally but I know the excuses. I also know the excuses** Ludy **gives because I’ve said the same. But that’s all it is. If we were really excited enough it wouldn’t be a hassle to clean up after. Heck I have Mig clean me up after sometimes just because he enjoys it. For me the added annoyance is I can never sleep after. I have to get up and I get the munchies and want to wind down and that’s time I could have already relaxed and gone to sleep.

I’ll tell you, and this sucks but it’s the truth in my circumstance: The only way to get me going is to make some noise if I’m slacking. That sounds horrible, but it’s what has worked so far. When he bitches I know I’ve missed a weekend and it’s gone on two weeks or more. And I do feel defensive and angry but I try really hard to put myself in his position and I just suck it up and get on with the show. Oddly I do really get into it, like MAD once we get started. It’s just getting relaxed enough and sexual enough to even get started I have the problem with. I spend most of my time being mama, cook, driver, maid, etc. Switching roles is just not that simple for me and I am really just not a very sexual person in the first place.

So all I can offer is this. Talk to your wife, and you need to be assertive and not worry about her being offended. I don’t mean deliver an ultimatum but she needs to understand you NEED sex. Don’t let her pull that “oh you’re trying to make me feel guilty” BS. If it’s been a month she already should feel guilty. Either she needs to find a way to get herself turned on or she needs to suck it up. You don’t get married to have a roommate. Sex is a part of it, whether she’s not in the mood or not. It’s not like you’re demanding it every day.

62

The problem is that this is such a loaded - easy to misunderstand - topic.

There’s anxiety with “Will I ever get it again?” When I know damn well that I’ve had it once or twice a month for years. I WILL get it gain, STFU already and be patient.

There’s anxiety on her part because I DON’T mention it until it’s a Big Deal. You get too tired of rejection, so you handle things in the shower, but then you realize you’ve been doing that for two weeks, and you get cranky, and then it’s a Big Debate…when it’s been a Big Debate only in my head. And yet you expect her to 180 degrees get in a Fire Vixen mood when all she’s exposed to is the mopey, bitchey, husband.

There’s anxiety with ‘well, maybe it’s not that she’s not in the mood, it’s that she’s not in the mood WITH ME!’ gasp. Feelings of inadequacy ensue. Reguardless of what she says.

There’s anxiety with I haven’t wanted it at much lately. Holy crap! What can that mean!? I’d better go fuck my wife to reassert my manhood! Oh, she doesn’t want to. #stew (the voice in my head says: “But you’re really not that horny, what’s the big deal?”)

You fall into a series of traps:
One of you doesn’t like it in the morning

The other doesn’t like it late because it affects your sleep

You can’t do it during the work day, or during the commuted, or during the school week, or while the kids are up, or just after her period…which means there’s 5 minutes a month where the stars align, the Moon is full, but goddamn one of you sure feels tired…or sick…or full…or drunk…or… (In the meantime, you remember when you’d do it three times a day, in the shower, on the table, on the stairs, with a headache, to get RID of a headache.) Now, you have one thursday night every other month, where the kids are at a sitter…it’s 6:05 pm, be in the moooooood <wait for it>…NOW!

As the guy, you start to get cranky that you have to do all these things, say the right words, push the right buttons, schedule out the right time, get the right lube, stand in the right position, listen to the right subconscious cues…when all it takes is 45 seconds in the shower. (Or if you had lower moral standards, $75 and a hooker)

63

UB, that’d make me cranky, too, and I’m not a guy.

I was reading a marriage advice thing a few weeks ago, I honestly can’t remember where it was, that said the default for sex should be “Yes” for both partners. Instead of defaulting to “No, unless” it’s “Yes, unless” where the unless is something significant. Essentially it was “If one partner wants sex, the other should go along with it” as the basis for a healthy relationship.

When I first read that, I thought, “Oh hell no!” It sounded so much like an obligation. But when I thought about it, I realized that I do consider sex an obligation. It’s something that I feel shouldn’t just be random and fall by the wayside but a significant exercise for marital health that should have time set aside for it the way other priorities have time set aside for them.

So that’s what makes sense to me. Instead of having to have a reason to say yes, spouses should have to have a reason to say no.

I won’t say what would work for other people, and I didn’t have any sort of issues during my first marriage, but that shift of perspective seems like a good way of thinking going into my upcoming marriage. I’m older now, obviously, and more prone to fatigue and excuses.

64

She has two little kids and is trying to get her Master’s degree. Sounds like a roiling mass of stress to me, helpful, considerate, sensitive husband notwithstanding. I think that would be a tough row to hoe for anyone, even if the OP is the most wonderful, supportive, awesomest husband in the world, which I’m sure he is. :wink:

65

But the problem with that is: There are so many valid potential reasons to not want sex…it’s amazing it ever happens in the first place. No, that’s too pessimistic. It’s that the threshhold for sexy time gets raised so high that it’s almost impossible to clear it.

But it’s a fundamental difference between (most) men and (most) women. Painting with a broad brush, women can take or leave sex. Men will finish even if it’s raw, they have a sucking chest wound, and the Huns are cresting the hill. <gasp>Just a second<gasp>I’m almost there!
The older I get, the less funny certain comedy routines get. I swear Bill Cosby was NOT trying to be funny with his schtick on kids. Likewise, the statement “Sex is like breathing, it’s only important when you’re not getting enough.” gets less and less funny all the time.

My wife and I have reached near enough parity, but it’s taken decades to do so. We’ve discussed inviting other people into the bedroom, but when you do that, you add a whole 'nother host of variables. You have a third person’s motives, their external relationships, the possibility of jealousy, the possibility of infidelity outside that specific arrangement…the issue of even finding a willing partner you’re attracted to.

It just doesn’t seem worth crossing the minefield. In the meantime, I’m exposed to the couples in my life who’s marriages have gone off the rails and wonder if maybe there isn’t an ideal relationship, they’re all varying degrees of dysfunction…if not at the moment, certainly over decades and decades of relationship.

66

Eh. Yeah, you’re supposed to. But I don’t do it every time and I’ve gotten the beginnings* of maybe 2 or 3 bladder infections in 10 years. If you’re prone to them, get up and eliminate every time. If it’s not causing you problems and you at least clean up afterwards, I wouldn’t sweat it.

*I say ‘beginnings’, because at the first sign of tingling/burning, on my Ob/Gyn’s advice, I drink a glass of water with some baking soda dissolved in it, then drink plenty of water throughout the rest of the day. That stops the burning immediately, then flushes the bacteria out of the urinary tract, preventing the need for antibiotics. Here’s a cite for that method:

. . . here’s what you can do to relieve symptoms and prevent future recurrences.

Fix yourself a baking soda cocktail. “At the first sign of symptoms, mix half a teaspoon of baking soda in an eight-ounce glass of water and drink it,” says Kristene E. Whitmore, M.D., chief of urology and director of the Incontinence Center at Graduate Hospital in Philadelphia. The baking soda raises the pH (acid-base balance) of irritating, acidic urine.

Drink water, on the hour***. Drink one glass of water every hour for eight hours, continues Dr. Whitmore.

“Drinking a lot of fluids will increase urine flow,” explains Dr. Workowski. “This will wash out the bacteria that are attempting to adhere to the cells lining your urethra. Drinking plenty of water will also help dilute and flush out the substances that are causing the irritation. Drink enough water so that your urine is clear. Aim for at least eight or ten glasses of water a day.”

67

This was my life for 10 years. All the guilt, shame, resentment, anger, frustration, questioning, built up and up over the years. I brought it up a few times, and it was a huge deal between us, but always resulted in her basically telling me its my problem. She is the way she is, I need to accept it. It made me feel like scum. The rare times we did have sex, I found myself wondering if she was really into this, or just giving me something for sypathy. Finally the resentment and passive agressive became just a part of my persona, I didn’t even know I was doing it.

And so she left me. Because she felt I stopped caring about her, and she was missing something from me. Its been about 6 months now, and finally I’m starting to realize it was wrong all along. I did stop caring, because she never really cared enough about me to even try to change or help. I don’t feel guilty anymore, dirty anymore. I’ve stopped blaming myself.

I’ve promised myself I’ll never allow myself to be in an unsatisfying relationship again. I learned my lesson, wasted 10 years, but will move on.

So, my advice would be - don’t waste anymore years. Do all you can to fix it, make sure she knows this is make or break (if you feel that way, like I should have) so she has to work at it, but also know it may not be fixable. Then you have to decide. You get one life - you deserve to be as happy as you can be.

68

There is truth to what you’re saying Fat Chance but it’s not completely true. The issue isn’t that one person is right and the other person is wrong, it’s that BOTH have to compromise. Saying ‘that’s just the way I am and I’m never going to change’ isn’t communicating and it isn’t compromise.

If both people aren’t at least partially having their needs met (sexual or otherwise), then it won’t be a happy marriage.

Any yet it’s something that was never told to me, prior to marriage…heck, it wasn’t told to me until I found conversations on the Dope about it. I think as a society, we’re conditioned to ‘find someone, settle down, get married, have kids’, but nowhere in the ‘The wedding is MY DAY™!’ crap do we say…uh, you might want to see if you’re actually long-term compatible with each other.

For all the bitching I’m doing in this thread, my marriage is really_good…this is a minor gripe, and not getting enough sex isn’t grounds for taking another course (and all the bad that comes with it.) Notice I say ‘Not getting enough’…not getting ANY? Well, I’ll bet that’s a symptom of something else. (where something else could equal: mental hangups, physical issues, or just plain incompatibility)

69

I think you have a “Quality of Sex Issue” as opposed to a “not liking sex” issue.

70

But that’s exactly what I’m saying. The threshold for turning down sex is the one that should be that high.

We don’t make these sorts of excuses when it’s something we view as vitally important. We don’t (at least most of us) say, “Oh, I’m a little tired. I won’t go to work” or “Oh, I have stress in my life. I won’t ever take a shower,” or “I have kids, there’s no time to take out the trash.” We say these things need to be done and so we do them (again, most of us). When we don’t, there are repercussions.

I don’t know whether I’m prone to them or not, since I have never had one and always take precautions.

71

Okay, this would have described me, up until a few weeks ago.

Here’s what worked - knowing that there was NO pressure. I could touch if I wanted to, or not, and there would be no hurt feelings or looks and it was up to me.

and

I never want sex more than when I have just had it. Seriously.

72

I never get them and never take precautions. Some women are a lot more prone to UITs than others, so precautions in their case make sense. Not everyone needs them, though.

73

You’re also not using getting up to go to the bathroom afterward as an excuse to not enjoy sex.

If Ludy doesn’t want to get up to pee, and takes the steps that have been suggested to clean herself up afterward (wet cloth followed by a dry one and panties to sleep in), and doesn’t find herself getting UTIs, she’ll be fine. If she does that and starts getting UTIs – as the linked article states, more than 2 in 6 months or more than 3 in 12 months – she’ll know she’s one of those women who have to get up and pee after sex. I only do about 1/3 of the time and I don’t typically suffer from UTIs as a result. Ludy might find it’s the same for her, in which case, she’ll enjoy sex more, which is the whole point of sex in the first place. :slight_smile:

74

Agreed. Never having had a UTI makes it into something that sounds so dreadful that I really really want to avoid one. But it’s not like they are the end of the world. Er, I think. :smiley:

Poysyn, I think that’s actually pretty common for some women. The more sex some women have, the more sex they are happy to have. The less sex, the less. It’s quite a bit different from the stereotypical male sex drive in which there’s diminished interest right after sex that then builds. So this “typical man”* if charted would look like a series of peaks and valleys and this “typical woman”*
maybe more like plateaus, then cliffs and flatlands, then plateaus.

  • I don’t honestly think there’s any such thing as typical men and typical women, but if I remember my biochemistry at all when women have sex they get more testosterone which increases their sex drive. Male plumbing and female plumbing work differently, but there is an incredible amount of variation within the sexes.
75

Unauthorized Cinnamon, you know I love you, right? That’s an awesome analogy. I’ve generally said that sex is a comfort thing for men, and a task for women- maybe a really fun task, but still, not like slumping back and watching tv or reading a book. And I really like it, but it require energy that I sometimes don’t have.

76

There’s a difference, though. Nobody expects you to really enjoy taking out the trash. It’s perfectly OK to take out the trash simply because you feel obligated to do so, or you feel sorry for your spouse and don’t want him/her to have to do it. But having sex out of a feeling of obligation or sympathy isn’t good enough.

77

Is it possible that you were dehydrated? I had burning sensations after childbirth and was all OMG UTI (I’d had an epidural and a catheter, which is a high-risk behavior) and even got tested, but the test came back negative and drinking a lot of water fixed the problem.
[/hijack]

78

I think there are two different situations being discussed here and it’s confusing the discussion.

1) Wife has no drive The situation in the OP. The wife shows no interest in sex and in fact seems opposed to it at all. Preference would be to not have it be part of the relationship.

2) Wife is unsatisified The wife desires sex but is unhappy with husband’s performance so she isn’t really into it. If the husband made changes she would be more involved with sex.

Situation #2 is fixable with communication. If she really just needs him to do a few things differently, then they can work through the problem.

Situation #1 is more difficult. She doesn’t have an interest in sex and isn’t interesting in coming up with a solution. She wants sex to go away. It’s not a matter of helping clean up afterwards or trying a different position. The husband is not going to be able to fix the problem by himself. Even she may not know the solution.

Think of shoe shopping. Women love shoe shopping–men not so much. Men, what if your wife wanted you to go shoe shopping 3x per week? Would you go? You might do it if you wanted to make her happy, but you would be doing it for her–duty shopping. Could you ever actually enjoy shoe shopping? Learn to love it and look forward to it? Initiate shoe shopping? Be enthusiastic? I doubt it. It would be an obligation and you would probably only do it enough to make her happy.

But sex isn’t like shoe shopping. If you have the urge for sex, it doesn’t just go away. It has to be satisfied somehow. Even if she has no desire for sex, it is unreasonable for her to expect the same in her partner. She should find some way to make her partner happy. And at the same time her partner needs to understand that she may never be into it as much as he wants her to be.

79

I’m kinda in the same boat as the OP, However my wife has a medical reason to have low libido, I understand how she feels but it is becoming more difficult to to sympathize.

She has a autoimmune disorder that basically leaves her in pain to engage in any physical activity.

I feel for her i really do, but it’s becoming more difficult to lie next to a woman who i lust after constantly (yes i know that’s my problem). We have discussed it and she does try, But my resentment toward her and this situation is becominfg a problem in our marrage. I love her madly, I do not want to walk away and i do not want to have an affair, I have thought about engageing in the services of a professional but i know she would be hurt if i did.

So i really don’t know what to do next.

80

Well, there’s also option 3: wife has no drive with him. Which may not mean anything about him specifically or their relationship, but sucks. If I weren’t a good and decent person I’d have drive with somebody else, you know? (Although I’m sure I’d fall out of it with them, too.)