Sex, Sexuality, and Relationships....In My Shoes

In My Humble Opinion
1

CAUTION: This concerns my boyfriend (D), sex, sexuality, and relationships. If you are closed-minded or not comfortable talking about any of the above, do not read. (BTW, I identify as lesbian, even though I hate labels.)
Ok, so when I met D, I thought I was straight, right? I mean, I knew I had this taboo attraction to girls, but I never acted on it. It was “wrong” to be in any way, shape, or form homosexual. When I met D, that changed. He helped me find myself, not only sexually, but emotionally and spiritually. I loved him after we’d been dating for only two weeks. I knew that this was the guy I would spend the rest of my life with, despite those quick glances at girls.

Then, last August, I met M. Yes, she was the one who really opened that door for me. We became fast friends; she understood me in a way that N (an ex- bestfriend), or anyone else, ever had. Then, one day after school while watching a movie at her house, I kissed her (M). We had our brief romance (which lasted for about 6 months) and then I was rejected by her, for a guy. It cut me to the core, that she would reject me. I never thought that would happen. So, I pretended that all was well to everyone (because only two people knew what was going on between me and her; I told them, and cried mightily while I did so, too) and only told D that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.

We’d (M and myself) often joked around, saying that if it weren’t for our boyfriends, we’d be lesbians. I knew that I wasn’t attracted to guys. I knew that in about March. But, I still loved D, so I told myself that love crosses gender lines, which brings me to The Problem. I love D with everything in me. I really, really, really do. I’m in love with him, too…But I’m not attracted to him. I mean, at least, when I compare myself to my female friends, I don’t seem to be. I’m not always jumping him for sex or a make-out marathon. Actually, we haven’t had sex in about a month. I’ve always made up excuses for it; I actually do have a condition, though, where I cannot be very sexually active, b/c of urinary tract infections, or UTIs. Even though I try to devert from having sex with him, it’s always wonderful.

I’ve tried saying, “Why focus on the bad? You’ve got a person who adores you for who you are.” But I don’t know what’s going to happen several years down the road if I’m forever putting off sex. He’s catching on, too. I didn’t realize what I was doing until this past week. But last night, when I’d said I was tired (which I was) to avoid making out with him, he ran down a list of things I’ve said to avoid that particular thing. I used to think it was my Virgo nature, because kisses can get kinda messy, and I hate mess or (most) body fluids. But now…I never felt that way with M.

One more thing: D and I are polyamorous. We date other people, but with each other’s knowledge and consent. And I have no one else to talk to about this. I went to N’s last night with every intention of telling her, but her boyfriend was there, and she doesn’t leave his side for a minute. Plus, I don’t know how she’d react. I don’t know if she’d blab or not. I don’t think she would, but…

If you are going to reply and say that I need to break up with D, please do not reply. I can’t think of life without him, and it’s not going to happen. I love him more than anything else in the world. Right now, though, I cannot think of any other option, which is one reason I’m asking you. I’m also asking because I’m looking for someone who understands. I thought about talking to my Dad about it, because he is in a similar place, but decided against it, because I’m not sure how he would take it, and I’m not completely comfortable talking to my dad about everything I’ve said.

Thank you for giving me a piece of your time today.

2

God, pale_muse, you have my sympathy. I don’t know what you should do in regards to final decisions about your relationships.

I do think, however, that you should be open and honest about it with D. I’m a big believer in open communication with loved ones.
If you are afraid he won’t want to be with you if you tell him about your feelings about sex with him, that may be a chance you’ll have to take. But once this is all out in the open, at least you can feel honest about the whole thing.

One last thing…I don’t believe that anyone else can tell you what to do when it comes to these matters…people are going to follow their hearts, and learn about themselves from the process of being heartbroken, as well as being madly and joyously in love. What’s important though, is that people never do anything that they would be ashamed of later on. I’m not ashamed of almost all of the sexual encouters I’ve had, or the feelings I’ve had for certain people, but there was one occasion where I went the sneaky route and got involved in a situation where I knew people would have been hurt, if they had ever found out. They didn’t, thank god, but I still feel guilty and horrible about that whole thing.

So be honest, brave, and follow your heart where it leads you:).

3

Forget about whether you’re straight, lesbian, bi or whatever. Regarding D, the facts are simple.

You “love him more than anything else in the world.”

You’re “not attracted to him.”

It’s “not going to happen.”

Tell him.

4

I’m a little confused, here. You have a polyamorous relationship with your boyfriend but you never told him you were having sex with this other person, this M. Why not?

As for the lack of attraction, well, it’s perfectly possible to love someone deeply, truly, and intensely, without being in love with them. Platonic love and romantic love have a lot of the same elements, but they’re not the same thing.

Of course, it’s also quite possible to be so upset over other stuff in your life (getting dumped by M, possible guilt over hiding the relationship from D, other issues in those or other relationships) that it puts a huge, huge damper on your sex drive.

Think seriously about why you didn’t give D the whole story about you and M, and about why you aren’t attracted to him now, and about if you ever were attracted to him. When you come up with answers, I think it’ll give you a good idea of where to go from here.

5

Eleven years ago, I was D. My first girlfriend left me for an older woman. Good goddamn, but it hurt.

That said, what you want with him is friendship, not a sexual relationship. It’s unfair to him not to let him know that. Suck it up, and tell him: tell him that you’re not currently attracted to boys, and that you’re not gonna be having sex with him, and that you’re gonna pursue sexual relationships with women.

Chances are, he’ll be pissed. And rightly so: you’ve cheated on him and lied to him about sex for months. (And despite being polyamorous, you did cheat on him: otherwise, you would have told him about M). Face it like an adult; take your lumps.

Maybe D will be able to maintain a friendship with you. Maybe he’ll be too hurt to do so. Maybe he’ll behave badly, refusing to face the facts and continuing to hope that things will get better between y’all. You can’t control how he behaves; but you can be honest with this man you say you love, and you can give him the information he needs to decide what he wants to do.

It’s gonna hurt, but you’ve got to do it.

Daniel

6

To ouisey & kunilou : Thanks a lot! You both have helped me see things I needed to.

To CrazyCatLady : At the time of M, D and I were not polyamorous. And M and I never had sex; we made out, but never went as far as intercourse. As far as the reason I didn’t give D the whole story about M was because he didn’t like her from the beginning, before mine and M’s friendship ever progressed to something more. Honestly, I’m not sure if I ever was attracted to him, or if I thought I should be, so I convinced myself that I was. Thanks for your reply! You, too, have given me something to think about…

To DanielWithrow : I’ve thought about being “just friends” with D, and I can’t imagine it. It hurts to much to think about, and it’s not what I want. Sex is always great with him; it’s just that because of my medical condition, and my (lack of) sex drive, it happens infrequently. I am going to tell him, hopefully tomorrow night. Thanks for replying! I think that it was your post more than anything that’s convinced me to talk to him about my attraction towards him and women.

Thanks, everyone!

7

I have no advice to offer that would be any better than the advice you have already been given. In fact, I agree with it. You have to tell him how you feel about him. And you should tell him about your attraction and relationship with girls. I mainly just wanted to wish you luck in talking to D and mostly in discovering what makes you happy, no matter what or who it is.

8

If you really care about D, you need to tell him you are a lesbian. As much as you can’t imagine life without him, you can’t force this to work. The hardest part of love is when you realize that you can’t be with someone you love, due to circumstance, timing or whatever. It’s natural to want to stick your head in the sand and pretend everything will be fine, but it won’t. You’re a lesbian, he’s not a woman. To keep dating him and making up excuses not to be physical with him is not fair to him. You can’t make yourself be straight if you’re not.

One of my best friends in the world is a lesbian who came out after she had married another good friend. The two of them were amazing together, but because it took her years to admit to herself that she was in fact gay, when the inevitable breakup finally happened it hurt him badly. She’s much happier now, but really regrets hurting him. I think if she had realized it sooner, they could still be amazing friends.

I think that sometimes you have to do something painful to keep from hurting someone you love even worse, even if they themselves can’t recognize it at the time. In my opinion, this is one of those times. Good luck.

9

Pale_Muse,

I do not have advice you haven’t heard already, but I DO have some recommended reading you might find useful here.

The Ethical Slut by Catherine Liszt and ??? - I can’t remember the second author, but it is an honest and eye-opening good read for anybody planning on investigating sexual life outside the hetero/monogamous prescription society sets for us

10

The longer you wait, the worse it will be for D.