Those who say they can’t understand why someone would stay, but cheat, write like most cheaters decide, “I’m going to cheat”. They don’t. I haven’t known many people who’ve cheated, or rather I haven’t known that someone has cheated very often, certainly I’ve known far fewer people were cheaters or cheated on, than people those who were divorced, but I can tell you what I have noticed. (Bear in mind, I’m a guy, and so I know mostly know the tales of 30 to 50 year old men.)
There are a lot of men in that age range who feel trapped in a sexless marriage. For whatever reason, their wife doesn’t want it nearly as often as they do. (I could name two or three guys who’ve gone more than a year w/o any. Yes, I’m sure this happens to women, too. Fewer women than men confide in me. I only know one woman who faced this, and at least a half dozen guys, more likely more than a dozen. A counselor friend of mine has told me it is more common than one likes to think.)
Doesn’t really matter why, but no one is so bad in bed that someone who loves them won’t do it on occasion. The man feels unloved. It’s a relationship, so probably both share the blame, and maybe he’s not getting any because she feels unloved, but the fact remains: he’s not getting any and feels unloved.
Often, they go through counseling. I’ve known a couple of cases where that changed everything. Often, they divorce, especially if her low libido is just a low libido for him. (I even knew one guy whose ex said during the divorce proceedings that she didn’t like men. That certainly explained the lack of sex, but why was she so bitterly angry about the divorce?) But sometimes, the man feels he can’t leave. The most common reason amongst the guys I’ve talked to is the man still wants to live with his kids. Second is not being able to afford a divorce. Third is guilt because their partner is otherwise a good person, or because of their religious beliefs. As time goes by, he chances upon member of his preferred gender who becomes a friend, or has been a friend and has secretly been crushing on them. Then a good friend. Then a confidante. Talk turns to hugs. One day they kiss, and boom, penis ensues. Or, he goes on a trip, or she does. Perhaps he has a too much to drink, and penis ensues. Perhaps just someone being interested leads to penis ensuing.
I don’t believe many people say to themselves, “Well, I’m not getting any at home, so I’ll cheat.” It is only afterwards that the justification starts.
Di, don’t be surprised if your friends’ husbands aren’t miserable, and a few aren’t cheating.