Sorry to cheat with IMDb, but I wanted to make sure I got it right:
Peter: Brian…there’s a message in my Alpha Bits…it says “Oooooo”
Brain: …Peter those are Cheerios.
Stewie: I don’t flaunt my hetrosexuality in your face.
Brian: No. No you don’t
Cut, print, gay.
Why aren’t they funding this?
Lois: “I know its different than you’re used to but you’ll see its just as good.”
Stewie: “mmm, yes, thats what we were promised about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh free years ago.”
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That’s just stupid what you said.
Peter: How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well it shouldn’t cause that’s my side boob.
(Brian is watching the Facts of Life)
Jo: Uh, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
Mrs. Garrett: What is it Jo?
Jo: Um… is it alright if your penis and vagina touch each other?
Mrs. Garrett: What?!
Jo: Yeah, I kinda woke up this morning and they were sort of touching each other.
Mrs. Garrett: You have both?!
Jo: Yeah, doesn’t everyone?
Mrs. Garrett: No!
My favorite is when Lois takes Brian for a ride in the car.
Brian: Lois, there is another dog in that car! (jumps to backseat) Lois, are you seeing this?! There is another dog in that car(jumps to frontseat) Hey, Other Dog! Hey Other Dog! F*** You!
This killed me because my parents’ dog always goes crazy when she is in the car (and no place else) and sees another dog. Now I know what she’s saying.
From one of the early season premieres, a fake commercial:
Diamonds. She’ll pretty much have to. (you just barely see the man’s shadow begin to push the woman shadow’s head toward his crotch)
Black Knight: “You see that kids? Your father’s nothing but a fizzle!”
Peter Griffin: "Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!..
Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then he ran off, he got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don’t get away with it!
Well actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle.
But after today, only half the people who’ve called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!"
Just this whole exchange. Warning, earworm of a certain avian variety.
Don’t remember the exact context, but the conversation has somehow turned to ear sex…
Peter to Quagmire:
“You know what they say, once you go black you go deaf”.
Another funny bit with Brian-as-dog, but in the opposite mood:
Lois (excited): What’s this? What’s this, Brian, huh? What’s this, huh?
Brian (deadpan): It’s a ball.
Lois: Oh, is this your ball? You want it? Huh? You want this? Huh?
Brian: Yes, I would like … I would like it, please, yes.
Lois: Yeah, you want this? Huh? You want the ball?!
Brian: Yes, I would like to have it very much.
Lois: You want it? You want the ball?!
Brian: Yes, yes, I would enjoy having the ball, yes. Give it to me.
From the same episode, Peter teaching Meg:
Peter: When I’m done with you, you’ll be beating guys off with both hands.
Didn’t she pretend to throw it, and he went after it? “I could swear that you threw the ball, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.”
Mr. Hebert: Holey Moley!! It mus be mah birthday.
Peter: …something special. But not *special *like that retarded kid down the street. More like Special K. The cereal.
Brian: Peter, do you even listen to yourself?
Peter: I drift in and out.
An early episode, watching something on TV:
Brian - “Got anything on that remote lower than ‘MUTE’?”
Peter: Fine, because I’m doing this for you I get anal in return.
That’s right, no matter how clean the kitchen is I want you to clean it better.