Truth.
And that door swings both ways. Men can also smell infintessimal amounts of desperation on a woman and they will run screaming in the other direction at the first detection of the desperate vibe.
Yeah, I have read and heard most of this before, and, to the extent I understand this stuff, I thought it wasn’t going wrong again. She asked me, once again, and I reacted with interest, not desperation.
So why does it nearly always happen? Why is nobody that into me, when nobody has an explanation? Every time, I think it will be different, and every time, it’s the same. It helps to be reminded that perhaps someone is “dating around,” because that’s completely beyond my ken. Just getting a date is a triumph.
The amateur and professional dating industry doesn’t really deal with this, as far as I can tell.
You’re just reading this wrong. She was probably never interested. Once you get better at identifying those women, the results will be better. If you get into a habit of pursuing women who are ambivalent or indifferent, of course the outcome will always be the same. Like Dogzilla said above, if a woman is really into you, she won’t make bullshit excuses about work. She’ll cut out of work early to see you.
In most men this translates to easy sex. There are many guys that specifically seek out the ‘desperate vibe.’ Sure I’ve heard of guys rejecting a woman because she was too desperate. But not before sleeping with her.
Reality check here.
You seem to be operating under the assumption that all dates move forward, unless something goes specifically wrong. That’s now how it works. Dates, even ones you perceive as successful, don’t mean much.
Dates mean no more than it means when you go into a restaurant. Maybe you’ll love the restaurant and hire the owner to be your personal chef. But maybe you’ll have a meal and feel underwhelmed. Or maybe you’ll have a meal that you really like, but not make it back for whatever reason. Maybe there is another restaurant closer to your house, or you just like Mexican food better than Chinese food. Maybe you just felt like mixing it up that one day. Or maybe you become a regular for a while and move one. All kinds of things could be happening. But it’s not like people go into a restaurant, have a nice meal, and automatically get on the path to being lifelong patrons.
When you go on a date with a woman, all kinds of things are going on in her life, things you know nothing about and have nothing to do with you. She may have an ex she’s hung up on, she may be planning an intercontinental move, she may suddenly realize she only likes Burmese guys…none of this has anything to do with you. You are just a fun night out. Maybe it turns into more, maybe it doesn’t. But right now you are not on a path to a relationship, it’s too early for that. You are on a path to maybe having more nights out.
And whether or not it turns into anything rarely has much to do with you. Dating isn’t some contest where the person with the most value wins. Dating is a mutual activity where maybe you’ll find some compatibility.
Anyway, everyone has dates that go nowhere. The vast majority of dates go nowhere. Compatible people in a compatible place in their lives are pretty rare, and you have to meet a lot of incompatible people before you find one. That’s why dating is all about volume.
You’re putting so much stock into one outing. Nothing went wrong. You went out to dinner and had a good time. There are far more mundane ways to spend an evening. Take it for what it was and quit beating yourself up.
You could ask her.
But that would be treating her like a human being, rather than a puzzle, a prize, or an enchanted forest.
I rather appreciate this. This is food for thought, and this particular portion of yours is actually pretty new to me.
Maybe I’m in the wrong generation, or the wrong society, or maybe I’m just completely mistaken. Even though I’ve interrogated this idea before, I think I still have the assumption that dates are part of a courtship process towards partnership- short/medium/long-term, monogamous or not, but partnership nonetheless. I assumed that it’s a marketplace, and the person with the most value does win. Also, isn’t it easier and less stressful to find a partner, so that one can stop dating?
I realize that most dates (or most first dates, anyway) don’t go anywhere. I just thought that it ought to go somewhere more often, and that things looked good here. Also, even when confronted with great potential volume (when I was on campus, or online), getting rejected for first dates means that things still go nowhere.
I would love to do just that! I’ve thought that for years. I would prefer that from the beginning, and my therapist actually noticed that. Why can’t we just be casually honest about all this, a bit like a more refined, adult version of passing a note that says “will you go out with me? Check Yes or No.” I never did that, by the way.
I thought that’s what she did when she asked me out, both times actually, and I really appreciated it. That’s what’s so frustrating about all of this. I’ve been on dates where there is no chemistry, and such is life, but this seems different!
Also, I’ve learned both the easy way and the hard way that just asking her, as you suggest, is uncouth, untoward, creepy, and generally a bad idea. Unfortunately.
But you think it might be a good one?
I think politeness certainly is a moral obligation.
People aren’t necessarily in a hurry to get dating over with. I loved dating. I like meeting new people, and I’ve never met a more random assortment of interesting people in my life than when I was dating. I had a ton of fun filling up my schedule, and for someone new in town, it was a really neat way to get to know my city. A lot of my now-favorite restaurants, nightspots and events were introduced to me by dates. And of course, sometimes there was more than dinner, and that was fun, too. There were stressful parts. I hated going to social events and trying to figure out which guys to hit on. But overall, it was more fun than not. When I did meet the right one, we moved pretty seamlessly into a partnership. But that’s not because we were sick of dating, it’s because wanted to be around each other so damn much that it didn’t make sense to keep dating other people.
As for merit…I’m going to assume you are straight. Now, if a guy wanted to date you, would you be in to it? What if he was a really awesome guy- a model with a PhD and a great sense of humor who spend his millions on charity? Would you try to see him again?
Probably not. He may be an attractive, lovable, amazing guy, but he’s not compatible with you. There isn’t anything he can do to change that, and he hasn’t done anything wrong. Even if he treated you well, played all his cards right, and did what it took, you’d probably still be unmoved. It’s just not your thing, and that’s no fault of his.
It’s pretty similar with a date you just aren’t in to. They are often great people, just not for you for whatever reason.
Anyway, what worked for me was to buy ten different dating books (stay away from the PUA BS, though, or at least keep it in balance with other philosophies) and take the best out of all of them. I spent a good long time churning that stuff through my head, aggressively dealing with some negative habits and attitudes from the past, meditating on my goals and figuring out the most productive and healthy ways to reach them.
I think this is close to perfect advice. I liked the gay analogy/example - perfect.
My only change is I WOULD buy some of the PUA stuff - as they are good for understanding what you are SEEING and for understanding attraction. I would ignore 95% of it, but some do a good job of breaking down what is going on and why you see what you do.
WARNING: I am not suggesting you do negging for example - I am suggesting you see what it is and understand why it works. Same with the rest of it. It is important to understand things like self confidence and demonstrating value. The PUA shows a high octane side to this that you should understand even if you don’t use.
Or, to put it another way, is there a sensible way to do that?
She’s using you for a practice date.
And, she hasn’t texted you a reply in 48 hrs??? Gone!
Your therapist don’t know from nothin.
Exactly. Because every human being in the world will give a 100% truthful answer, every time.
Every. Time.
All women will tell you, up front, why they didn’t want to spend hours making mad & passionate love to you, and they will give you advice and pointers on how to get into their hearts, if you will only treat them like a human being.
Oops, except for the self-image part. Work on that.
This is the answer.
No.
You got lots of good advice here from many posters with plenty of experience with dating. The answer of why she hasn’t contacted you is that she’s simply not interested. You need to accept it and move on. Stop begging for an answer to the question you keep asking. I promise you, you won’t like what you hear. You have to learn to be okay with not knowing what she really thinks or how she operates and what motives she may or may not have had when she contacted you the previous times. You are just not her cup of tea. Accept it. Get over it. Turn the page. She has.
(And if by some chance you ever hear from her again, know that you’re her last resort when she’s bored and desperately needs attention. Do not return the call/text.)
A moral obligation? Really… how so?
It’s certainly a social more but I don’t see it rising to the level of a true moral obligation.