Whew, thanks for the laugh, I really needed that!
Anyone who would imply that this is about revenge for being scorned is a total asshole. How dare you reduce the validity of HER need for support and liken it to some gratuitous desire for revenge? HE abandoned HIS children, and yet her pursuit of financial HELP (and emotional support for her kids) makes her “a woman scorned”.
Maybe you think he should be able to walk away unscathed and keep “his” money for himself. I mean, he doesn’t see them, so why should he pay, right? Any WOMAN who wants money is just a “bitch”. That belief perpetuates the “deadbeat dad” syndrome and results in thousands of children to live in or near poverty.
You are a complete ass to say such a callous remark… especially if you think it’s supposed to be funny. Child abandonment is NOT funny and neither was that stupid thing you said. You idiot.
I am trying not to be too excited…BUT!!
I called shitboys house, his mom answered, she woke him up, twice, then he came to the phone, very calmly(I am shaking as I write this) I asked him if he was going to see the kids soon. He murmured about starting a new job, and said he couldnt see them for a week or so…
I made polite chit chat, and casually asked where he was working…and he fucking told me!
This means if he defaults on the payment this month, they can put the garnishee order through the new employer. What a relief!
Without the child support, I can manage- barely! With the support, I can give the kids the fun stuff, like medicine when they are sick, milk, cable, toys from santa.
This has been the longest friggin day.I feel like a wrung out dishrag. I wish I didnt get so wound up over stuff…I should know by now it always works out for the best. Having you all here has made such a difference.
Way to go Kel… It’s amazing what can happen with balls & a little resolve.
Have a glass of wine tonight and toast yourself.
Well, excuse ME for voicing concern . . . I figured a white-trash ex-con like you described might very well be violent. I trust I shall not have to save up an “I told you so” for your next of kin, then.
Dont be mad!
I was laughing at the idea of that big chicken shit trying to be tough…I crack up even trying to picture it!
You were sweet to voice concern, and I sincerely apologise if I hurt your feelings with my callous relpy. I am a total idiot.
You are so right, there are alot of dangerous men out there…but on a happy note, I only have babies with the stupid worthless ones! (Joking, trying to make up here…)
I am really sorry.
Oh, that’s OK, Kelli, I’m just in a bad mood because I took yesterday off and it’s even harder to come back to work after a three-day weekend.
Did you read about that spurned boyfriend who gunned down his ex on her wedding day? I don’t put anything past some men–no offense, guys, but SOME of you (not by any means all of you) are suffering from testosterone poisoning.
Some of you, of course, are perfect sweethearts.
That stuff is truly senseless…so sad.
Shitboy has always been totally non violent, he doesnt even yell. Never raised a hand to me or the kids, and the conviction was as a accessory to armed robbery…(he disposed of the weapon(knife)for the robbers, and the rcmp was trying to get him on trafficking charges…so they roasted him on the armed robbery)
I would never, NEVER encourage any contact between him and the kids if I thought he was capable of anything worse than not paying them enough attention.
Love ya Flora!
I don’t know, Kelli. I think what bubba says makes sense. This jerk will run again, maybe next time out of the province.
You should prepare for that. I wish I could tell you how.
Is there no way to deep-six this guy out of your life for once and for all?
I hope you find it.
Oh, KelliB, I’m so sorry you’ve gotten the runaround with this jerk, and so glad you won the round!
I guess my 2 cents would be somewhere in the middle ground. Only you can determine how much of your energy, strength and resouces you can spare to hassle this twerp. It sounds like you are one strong, loving mom to your kids and only you can decide how much help you get back for the effort it takes to get it. The kids deserve everything Shitboy has (and a helluva lot more, IMO!) but you can only do what you can do.
This “advice” is a starting point, because I sure don’t know Candadian law at all, but it’s a pure fact that NO ONE can move through industrialized society w/o leaving a paper trail. I’m working from memory, but there was a “Rat Dog” who wrote a regular column on the ways to track people and resouces.
Again, I don’t know how much of it would apply. But Rat Dog’s writing helped me immensely when a predator and a deadbeat was making my life hell. Private investigators just have the time and the know how! Well, it’s amazing what you can find out if you know where to look. And it isn’t all that tough. In fact, in can be goddamn liberating and FUN!
I’m rambling again. Please feel free to email me if you’d like some more info. At least I could suggest some paths to explore. You and you kids deserve the best.
All the best. You’re flourishing in style!
Okatym…Kelli’s words were "Maybe I should just let it go…nah, screw that! By the time I am done with him, he wont be able to get a job flipping burgers!!!
Its not even the money, its the principal of the thing.Maybe if someone in his life had ever made him live up to his responsibilities…he wouldnt be such a peiice of crap."
Sounds like payback to me! (Well Kelli, it does). You have to weigh the emotional costs to her and her son of an endless struggle to get money from this guy. As I said earlier, he’s on a mission. My ex-wife dropped my kids off in the middle of the night saying “I can’t take it”. I gave up after a year trying to collect from her, after I had happily paid her generous support.
Okatym, you just want the deadbeat to suffer. Fine. But if you have the means to reproduce, get those tubes tied or get a vasectomy. The world could do better without assholes like you that put dollars above the emotional well being of the children.
While I truly understand the revenge angle, and the desire to see him pay his fair share, my advice would be to cut your losses once the kids are old enough to understand what’s going on. While the money for the kids is very important, it’s also not very healthy for them to see this continual conflict in their lives. The sooner they can forget about shitboy, the better for you and them.
I say this coming from a single parent family with a deadbeat dad. He cut and run when I was two, and my brother was almost six. My brother was old enough to see the battles and hassles, and it scarred him for life. By the time I got to be 6, he was completely out of our lives, and I had no memory of him at all. My recollection of my childhood is completely different than my brother’s.
If you do keep after him (rest assured he’ll pull this crap on you again), do it in private, preferably so your kids will not even know that he’s still a factor in your life or theirs.
- I cringe whenever I hear a woman say something like “he’d just straighten out if I could force him to accept responsibility, , ,” - no offense, but gooood luck. Because that’s a whole 'nother career for you to worry about. I have heard lots of women say this and I’ve never seen one that has ever done it. If he can’t be an adult, it’s not your fault. There isn’t much you can do to make him do it, and even if, that’s beside the point anyway. I’d guess that you want a husband/father, not another child with a driver’s license and joint credit cards.
- Look for someone else, and avoid guys who look or act like him. If the new guy begins to show signs like the previous one, challenge him on them. Make it clear that you want him because you think he can succeed, but that you just got rid of one loser and don’t want another. There’s a risk that he may get up and leave, but chances are that he knows himself better than you do. Someone who wants to be with you will try.
- Go after shitboy, but only do it every 6 months or so. This does two things; it gives him a chance to re-establish himself in a place and job he will be more reluctant to give up, and you won’t be worrying about it all the time. He most likely assumes that if you are chasing him constantly, because of your responsibilities you will have to give up chasing sooner than he has to give up running. And he’d be right. If he gets into a reasonably good job for a few months, he may be more interested in keeping it than avoiding you. And you won’t be a total mental case, trying to meet other guys. Good Luck. - MC
I’ll forego posting the book information I have, since it’s probably mostly out of date, and you seem to be doing pretty well on your own. I’d only counsel you to confirm Shitboy really works where he told you; that ‘sleepy’ release of information may have been deliberate. Just because the guy’s a chickenshit doesn’t mean he can’t be devious.
I also won’t advise you either way about whether to get ‘obsessive’ or nonchalant about the support issue, you’re the best judge of that. I would say to approach it more as a hobby one finds occasionally rewarding.
You all raise excellent points, and I will try to answer them.
The kids have NO CLUE what is going on…all they know is that he hasnt been around. I still want him to be an active participant in their lives.
The support he has been ordered to pay by family court must be paid, I cant relinquish that. The court has ruled the kids are entitled to it. If he goes undr the table, they will seize his income tax returns, etc.
I can help them, or not, but they will eventually get him.
When I called his former employer yesterday, they said that he had just finished his last day. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he may have planned on telling me, or even if he didnt tell me, he still has until the 15th to make this months payment…
In the 7 years we have known each other, he has sometimes been thoughtless, self absorbed etc, but he almost always contributed financially. When he worked, he handed over every cent, when he didnt, he did odd jobs, and handed over most of his $ to the family pot.(All of mine went in too)
And the times we have been seperated, he has always paid, late sometimes, but he paid.
The only real difference now is that me & him are really over for good, and he hasnt bothered with the kids for 2 months, and while I cant pretend to understand that, maybe he has some reason, maybe its too painful or whatever (No excuse to be sure!)
I have been sick the last few days, and I am very tired, when I got the news about him leaving his job, I panicked…I always, always expect the worst.
I really dont give him much thought in the day to day workings of my life…he is an ever present issue between me and ‘b’, as ‘b’ is worried I will go back to shitboy, and the kids still ask about him every once in a while, but other than that, I only think of him when the 15th rolls around. Now he didnt pay in august, so they put through a garnishee order to take it from his wages , and I got a double payment in september, if he had stayed with them (he had been there 6-8 months) it would have continued to come off his pay…now we get to start over.
If he is late, they(the court) sends him a letter, and he has a week more to pay, then if they know where he works (THIS is where I come in) they simply contact the new employer for a new garnishment. If they dont know where he works, then the long process of serving him with a summons begins, that may take a long time if he is on the road…This is why I needed to determine where he is working.
As far as letting it go, In my heart, I know that is wrong.He makes at least twice what I do, and his support is about 25% of what he gets after taxes on one paycheck…so to him it works out to be about 12% of his monthly clear pay…not very much is it? But to me, its only $100 LESS than I clear for two weeks. Its like loosing a whole paycheck every month, my kids deserve to have that money. If he turns totally to shit, and goes under the table, I will find him, and I will have him AND the company busted, and so on, and so on, until he HAS to get a legit job, or go on welfare…and even welfare will take out his support!
This isnt a case like E1skeptic, where I am bleeding him dry, its only a few hundred bucks…but for me and the kids, its absolutely necessary to survive…when he is late with the $$, I have to borrow it somewhere else. BEing dependant on that money frightens me, but as I only started here in MAy, I am still establishing myself here, and eventually my income will go up and even out…(My commision for september is**$910!**) but for now…we depend on that contribution, I also resent (mildly) the implication that I should find a ‘new man’ and then I wont need support from the ex…
A. I dont want to get tied down again, I LIKE my life the way it is now, I like my job, I have time for the kids, my friends , myself, I am not focused on ‘a man’, and a few times a week, ‘b’ comes over, and I get the loving companionship I need…then he goes back to his life, and me to mine.
B. Even if I married a Rockerfeller, shitboy has a moral obligation to contribute to his children…even if I just put it in the bank for thier education…
Again, thank you all for your support and concern, and the helpful email…Now I guess I just wait and see.
Kelli, I don’t know you, yet, and I don’t know all the facts about your X, but it sounds really too familiar. Mine got me pregnant to keep me. It worked for a while. But really what I want to say is that your children will be better off without a shitboy in their life. The children are the one thing he has to use against you, I don’t know if he would, but he can. I know how hard it is to live single with a child and be, in my case, 17-20 years old. I know it’s hard, but your children need a happy childhood from emotional things you can give them, not material ‘stuff’. And if their mother holds this anger inside they WILL see it. It took me years to let go of the anger I held for my X, the wife-beating, jobless, selfish child. I know this is something you are capable of; you must be a very strong woman to deal thus far.
Think about your children and their emotion well-being. And remember they need their mother to be happy, not angry and bitter. You want him to pay? He will…karma. If you let things go and live your life and continue mothering your children, you will be so much happier.
I truly wish you all the luck in the world. We all can make it. So many women out there like us, let’s not be a statistic.
There is no velvet so soft as a mother’s lap
no rose as lovely as her smile,
no path so flowery as that
imprinted with her footsteps.
~ Archibald Thompson ~
What a beautiful quote!
You sound like you are going to be ok too.
And although he pisses me off occaisionally, under it all, I feel truly sorry for him, because I get to see them every day, and I am happy.(Happier when the bills are paid)
You are right about kids knowing about the feelings we keep inside. I woke up with a headache this morning, and I think its from clenching my jaws all night. I am forcing myself to relax, and put it all in the hands of god/fate/karma/angels whatever. When I breathe deep and let it out slow, I tell myself that we end up where we are supposed to be, and if the road is painful…so be it, but it will all work out in the end. (Cliches, I know!)
The most important thing is that my boys are happy, healthy and that they know I love them.
Take care Doll.
You seem so very intelligent and I know you will make the right decisions. You have your priorities, you know what they are and you take care of them…Bravo!
Faith in you.
So the moral of the story is: Be a real big asshole, abandon your kids, blow off your responsibilities, and hide from your ex-wife so she can’t get any money from you. Make yourself REALLY hard to find so everyone advises her to drop it. THEN, if she STILL pursues you, it will just look like vengeance on HER part and you will appear the victim of the scorned, irrational ex-wife.
Quote from Bubba:
“The world could do better without assholes like you that put dollars above the emotional well being of the children.”
And you think that having money in the house to pay for shoes, medicine, toys for Christmas, etc. has nothing to do with the emotional well being of children? CHILD SUPPORT means showing your children you care enough about them to be at their birthday parties, be at ball games, AND contribute to their living expenses. Asking shitboy to do that IS putting the emotional well being of the children first. Dropping it would be doing the opposite.
Quote again from Bubba:
“Okatym, you just want the deadbeat to suffer.”
Where did I say he had to suffer? I said even a SMALL contribution would be better than nothing. You sound like the typical redneck, pickup-truck, beer-belly, slime bucket, trailer-park trash who thinks that giving ANYTHING to the woman equals suffering. Why am I NOT surprised that your name is Bubba? It’s obvious that you have a pathetic life and are bitter that you didn’t get off so easy. I feel sorry for your children.
“Its not even the money, its the principal of the thing. Maybe if someone in his life had ever made him live up to his responsibilities…he wouldnt be such a peice of crap.”
This is a very true statement. If he lived up to his responsibilities, he wouldn’t have to regret being a shitboy and hiding from his kids. He could lie on his deathbed knowing he was as good a father as he could have been. There is some anger there, but you can’t be such an idiot to think that the ONLY reason she wants something from him is revenge or “payback”.
FTR: I have been married for 14 years to a wonderful husband, and have 2 kids. My parents have been married for 38 years & my in-laws have been married for 47 years. I am not speaking from any personal desire for revenge or bitterness (unlike BUBBA). I am speaking as a mother who truly empathizes and sympathizes with another mother.
Personal note to RTA:
Sorry I was so harsh in my post addressed to you…I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that.
kelli…I’ve said this before, but you really do have my sympathies. I was raised by my father to take responsability for my actions. I can’t even concieve of hiding from my children (not that I have any yet, but you know what I mean).
This idiot is giving up the chance to see his children. His loss is immeasurable. I wish you the best in everyway, kelli.
I’m glad to hear about the help you’re getting from the govenment.
Get well soon, kelli.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.