I’ve often heard ‘so and so’s standards are too high’, when it comes to dating. And this got me to thinking; is it reasonable, maybe even practical, that a person should deliberately lower their standards in relationships with the sole intention of ‘practicing’. That is to say, is it reasonable that somebody should intentionally date someone they find below their ‘standards’ purely to ‘train’ for the ‘real’ relationship. I.e date someone just to understand the process of a relationship?
And, moreover,
Is this even possible? could dating and relationships be transformed into a kind of ‘workout’ devoid of intense emotions? It seems ridiculous, and if it is, WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THAT? If it wasn’t possible why do people suggest that: ‘so and so should lower their standards’??? wouldn’t if just become meaningless advice???
Yes, sometimes people should lower their standards, especially if those standards are unrealistic. If, for example, you’re a two and you won’t date anyone lower than an eight, you’re probably going to die alone. Also, people are flawed human beings, and if you’re holding out for perfection, you’re probably going to die alone.
No people shouldn’t lower their standards. I can tell you I got with girls just because they were easy and I wanted to get laid. I felt no emotional attachment and at the end of the day pretty much a scumbag. I would usually start thinking about what would happen if they got pregnant and I stopped talking to them pretty quickly. It only leads to hurt feelings.
Hold out for what you desire. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with another person and all the reponsibilty that comes with it.
How can you possibly learn the dynamics of a genuine loving relationship with such a contortedly selfish starting point? Are you going to learn about the value of communication by telling this person that they’re “practice” for you, or by concealing that fact?
Most people should have the same standards, no homicidal maniacs and the like. If your standards have something to do with money or status, then you don’t meet mine.
I think there’s a difference between saying “I’ll only date hot people” and “I’ll only date someone who treats me with respect.” The latter is a basic necessity for a healthy relationship and should never be compromised. The former could be anywhere from shallow to wildly unrealistic. Sometimes, preferences get called standards. If you decide you’ll only date college-educated, vegan smokers because that’s what you’re comfortable with, that’s going to eliminate a lot of otherwise ideal possibilities.
I try for balance in my relationships. They never seem to work out if that balance isn’t there. If I feel like I’m doing all the giving or all the taking usually that means there will be problems down the road.
Any relationship that’s worth working on is going to take some time before you can tell whether you two can achieve that kind of balance.
And over time I’ve learned that there are standards, like honesty, that I can’t lower without causing myself some problems so I don’t. Other things, like preferences, are more flexible and can be adjusted to meet different situations.
What do you mean by “for practice”? Do you mean going into a relationship feeling pretty sure that you don’t want to eventually marry someone because they aren’t “good enough”, but you enjoy their company right now? Or do you mean going into a relationship with someone you don’t like or respect entirely for the sake of being in the relationship?
If it’s the former, I think you need to be more open minded about what’s “good enough”. Dating isn’t starting a life long relationship. It isn’t even an extended interview for a potential lifelong relationship. It’s an end in itself. Date someone if right then and there dating them makes you happier than not dating them. Worry later about whether or not they meet your “standards” for a life-mate.
If it’s the later, no, no one should date someone they actually hold in contempt. It’s beyond horrible to let someone become emotionally open with you when you don’t even like them or enjoy their company.
I will say this: people do need to figure out what really matters to them in a partner, and what is just so much bullshit they picked up along the way. Lots of people are frustrated because they are looking for someone that fits their mom’s ideal, and their best friend’s, and their 15-year old self, and their 22-year old self, and their current self, because the just keep adding criteria and never subtracting them. Figure out what matters to you, today, and work from that.
Every day I thank all the gods living, dead, and otherwise that I was able to live up to The Wife’s standards.
But for you, you must first examine what you believe to be your “standards.” If they are realistic (defined as giving you a fighting chance to have a mutually satisfactory relationship with another person) then no, don’t “lower” them.
If they are unrealistic, then you need to understand why you are using “standards” as a way to keep others at a distance.
There are things that are are negotiable and there are things that are not. The key is being realistic about your must-haves while also making sure that your priorities are in the right place. A lot of people don’t have the insight to be able to tell their wants from their needs when it comes to successful relationships.
I think it’s entirely reasonable to insist on being with someone who treats you well. People with high standards don’t necessarily need to LOWER them, but it might serve those people well to ensure that they really are focusing on what’s important to them, rather than looking for someone who fits an entirely laundry list of specific criteria.
Probably men should do this to some extent since a man’s sexual attractiveness depends quite a bit on his degree of self-confidence which will be improved if he has relationship experience.
It depends on what your standards are. If they’re purely physical, then you’re fooling yourself. If the standards looking for someone smart, with a sense of humor, and who would be more than just a one night stand, then don’t settle for less.
Some men known for their well-warmed beds would have been delighted to be rated as high as two. Charm outweights all but the most unfortunate personal appearance issues - or can, if you know the three rules.
It’s also possible to adjust your standards (and your expectations) without lowering them. I think it applies to other areas besides dating, too. I agree with the folks who’ve said that superficial and impossibly rigid standards should be lowered, or altered or however you want to say it.
It is important to know what really matters to you. If you reject a person you haven’t gotten to know because you have a specific height requirement you could really be missing out. If your dream date is “a hot guy with a nice car who likes snorkeling” I’d say that you should hold out for the snorkeler and maybe relax about the other two. I don’t think I’m the only one that thinks a person becomes hotter relative to how interesting/funny/nice he is. And the next car might be nice…
Ok, now that we got all the self-righteous answers out of the way (mine included above), maybe we can talk about how we really feel.
I’m a guy and I can’t help but be attracted to a girl in a physical way, at least from the start. Some things that I don’t like include being a smoker, being conservative, having poor eating habits, not exercising, having a mostly negative attitude and a laundry list of other problems. The thing is, I can look past all these if I think I might get laid. I know a lot of guys who think this way, too.
In the long run, I don’t think I could put up with any of these in a relationship. So what does that say about standards? or me in particular?
I assume that when people talk about standards what they are really talking about is their level of attraction to someone. Because I find it hard to imagine someone falling madly in love with a person, but rejecting them because, for instance, they didn’t graduate from college or have one too many tatoos on their arm. What was previously considered a dealbreaker can suddenly become no big deal when people are blinded by love and infactuation.
So to answer the OP’s question, no I don’t think lowering one’s standards really works, but it all depends on how your standards are defined.
I think one should not lower one’s standards.
I have extremely high standards. I have also had extremely long dry spells (in re: relationships). For me, the long waits are worth it.
And, I can also respect my partner more, knowing that I didn’t consider her an also-ran.
You can’t lower some standards. Physical attraction is not a rational process. However, if you’re holding out for a man who makes $100,000, and has a 14 inch penis, then yes, maybe it’s time to reassess.