Should I be worried about my GF?

In My Humble Opinion
41

You’re 24 and you’ve been together 7 years, so, assuming you’ve not cheated on each other you’ve been together since you were 17, possibly even 16. Even if this thing with some internet guy wasn’t happening, my advice would be for you to get out of there and do what 20-somethings do.

If you hang on to this relationship, even if you manage to get past this patch, as you get older you’re both only going to realize how much you missed out on; it seems that your GF is already starting to figure this out.

In short, I’m just piling on and saying this is basically already over. Accept it and move on. It sucks serious donkey balls now, and will more than likely get worse initially, but you’ll be much better off in the long run.

42

She’s living with her parents due to some unspecified money issues, but instead of rectifying that and getting a JOB, she’s spending hours on the internet. Forget the other guy, on that basis alone, you could do much better!

43

I would have. In fact I had only female friends, at this time. And talking about life and the universe and stuff for hours on end was pretty much what I would do with them.

However, when I had a girlfriend, having hot sex with her had a much higher priority than chatting with female friends. The OP’s gf is essentially ignoring him and spending more time with this other guy on skype than with him IRL. And somehow he shouldn’t complain.

I hate jealousy as much as everybody else, but come on. At some point, suspicions are legitimate. I don’t see a rosy future for this relationship, whether his gf is consciously wanting to leave him for the other guy or not. And she can’t be that naive (or shouldn’t be, at least).

Except if he’s willing to share. I could see that option being agreeable to his gf. I suspect she’d probably want to keep the best of both worlds. I’m willing to believe she’s still fond of the OP. If she had to choose, I’m not too convinced she’d pick him, though, given how enthralled she is by her new skype friend.

44

I think you’re right to be worried. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do at this point; she is spending waaaay too much time and effort on this guy for a casual acquaintance, regardless of how few friends she has. If she doesn’t think she’s in the danger zone for an emotional affair (soon to be followed by a physical one), she’s naive and/or kidding herself. You’re not feeling jealous because you’re a bad guy; you’re feeling jealous because your girlfriend is disregarding boundaries for someone in a committed relationship.

45

Hey guys!

Boy has there been a lot of responses today/yesterday. For that, I appreciate everyone’s concern and willingness to offer their own advice and opinion!
I want to clarify some things and maybe bring more information to go off of… I understand a lot of you are suggesting that I strongly consider breaking things off with her right now to avoid future heart-ache… which I completely understand. However, this may be the most conservative and smart thing to do to protect myself… but I can figure that out on my own, I know that when things like this happen it’s usually more rational to think ahead and protect yourself immediately… but I personally am willing to see thing through with this girl and find out whether my efforts were in vain or not. I’m not willing to let go of something that’s clearly rare and special just because she suddenly takes interest in another person.

I noticed a common trend in the replies is that most of you are assuming she is looking for more than a platonic relationship with this guy. Although it is unknown if this is true or not, there is some things that can help me as well as you guys come to an logical guess.

Today, (11/20/2013) I spent the majority of my day with her. I decided it would be best if I didn’t try confronting her about any of my concerns and I would just enjoy my time with her. Before meeting up, she was sending me texts saying how she was thinking about me and missed me and couldn’t wait till we got together for dinner and drinks back at my place. When we met up we had a wonderful time eating out and then eventually taking things back to my place where we had a few drinks, enjoyed extremely kinky hott sex (Maybe TMI for you guys haha, sorry), and watched american horror story before I took her home. Tomorrow we are visiting the city science center for an evening together. Honestly, she is just as loving and caring to me as we first met.

I guess what I’m saying is that it is unfair to simply assume that she’s focusing ALL her attention and emotion on this guy and just keeping me close by her side as some sort of back up plan. I don’t want you guys to think that shes just straight up choosing to stay at home and skype him instead of spending time with me, because, so far she hasn’t ever chose to go spend time over the phone or skype with him rather than being with me. From what shes shown me, it seems that she is truly just excited to finally have a new friend and has no current intentions of anything more than a friendship with him. Although even I have my suspicions, it would be unfair of me as her boyfriend of so many years to just automatically assume otherwise.

I’ll admit, in the past with her and this guy talking I have been very demanding and jealous. I’ve tried telling her that she wasn’t allowed to talk to him, which i’m sure came across as very controlling to her and unattractive. This being said, she has said she doesn’t want to feel like she’s being monitored or that I need to see, rather than ask what they’re talking about. This does come across as slightly shady to me… however, I have no reason to not believe her… One side of me tells me to just trust her until proven otherwise and another side says that there’s nothing unreasonable about me wanting to at least see for myself what they’re talking about over text here and there.

Idk, let me know what you guys think… I’m really tired so I may have jibber jabbered a bit in my text.
Also, whether it’s important or not… remember that this girl has had a problem with making friends she can relate to all her life. She has never really had a ton in common with anybody other than myself. As frustrated as I get I can’t deny that this could have a lot to do with why they are in contact so often. However, I do realize that her actions are not considered normal under normal circumstances.

P.S.: Quick question… if someone doesn’t mind answering…: Obviously I’m going to see how this all plays out over the next few weeks at least. Do I simply contain my worry and jealousy to keep her from feeling controlled and possibly pushing her away? Or do I come up with some sort of way, eventually, to explain to her that there needs to be boundries? This is hard for me because it honestly sounds weird telling someone they can only talk to another person for a set amount of time.
Anyway, thanks again for all the replies… the community in this forum is amazing, I can see a lot of you really care and put the time and effort into your posts. I thank you all for that.

46

It’s not the ‘set amount of time’ that’s the problem here, dude. That you even have to have this conversation in the first place is the whole point, my friend. Seriously.

I don’t think anyone is saying she’s looking for more than a platonic relationship with this guy. What we are telling you - and it seems you don’t want to hear it - is that she’s checking out of the relationship with -you-. It’s not *that guy *specifically you need to be worried about her wanting to be with; it’s that at this point she’s interested in trying out relationships with someone other than you.

We’re trying to tell you man. It’s up to you if you want to listen or not. You don’t think cheating spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends aren’t capable of being sugary nice and loving? Hell, they say one of the best pieces of evidence your spouse is cheating on you is if they suddenly bring home little gifts etc. (being overly and unusually nice and loving in an attempt to avoid suspicion and possibly to alleviate guilt).

I don’t see how there is any way you would be able to just ‘drop’ this issue; if you try to ignore it, it’s going to continue eating away at your very soul. If you try to talk about it I’d say there’s a better than 90% chance it ends up a big fight as she throws it back in your face about ‘jealously’ and ‘privacy’ and ‘feeling monitored / controlled’. Those are all relevant points, important facets of a healthy relationship…but those rights need to stay earned. Her actions say she doesn’t respect the relationship enough to observe the boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable.

Since I don’t see anyway forward for this that -doesn’t- include you talking about it, have the conversation; stay calm, stay cool, and go into the conversation willing to accept it may be the start of the break-up. With that in mind, give yourself a couple of days beforehand to mentally and physically prepare yourself. Good luck,

47

I wouldn’t exert too much effort in weaning her away from that guy. And if they (GF and the guy) do hook up with each other, lucky you. At least you don’t have to deal with that problem when you’re married.

48

Yes - thank god you’re not married and thank god you don’t have kids yet.

49

I see that you’re adopting the old “bury my head under a pillow and hope that it all goes away” strategy.

Good luck to you.

PS - Speaking of unattractive traits, there are few things less attractive than being a doormat.

50

There are two conflicting things going on here. One is that we don’t know the situation as well as you do. The other is that we aren’t biased and hopeful like you are.

You need to straight up have the conversation with her, ASAP. Ask her “Are you happy in this relationship?” and go from there. Tell her your concerns. Tell her WHY it hurts your feelings. If she starts throwing accusations of jealousy and being controlling, then congrats, it’s over. I repeat, if she accuses you of being overly jealous and controlling, get the hell out of that relationship ASAP. It will be hardest thing you will do ever but, trust me, it’s so much better than getting cheated on and lied to for a long long time.

Take it from a guy who got cheated on. And in another relationship who got dumped just because his boyfriend wanted to be with someone else. It sucks, it hurts, but you will be stronger.

It may NOT be over. Nobody will know that for sure, no matter how sure we sound, because we don’t have all the info. But it really really sounds like the beginning of the end.

Just because you two are still getting along, having sex, and feeling loved by her does not mean everything is ok. I know it didn’t mean shit for me when it happened to me. One week it was him buying roses for me for valentine’s day and telling me how much I meant to him, and the next week it was “I don’t want think we should date anymore.”

Just… have the conversation about whether or not she’s happy and fulfilled, and tell her how it hurts you when she devotes so much time and attention to another person.

51

Let’s boil down the facts in your own words. This went from talking, to texting pictures of themselves to each other (while her commenting how hot he is), to 2-4 hours of Skype chat a night. No ‘Just Friends’ talk for 4 hours a night.

She got the ok from you and now ‘resents you less.’

You’re worried about her becoming emotionally attached? Spoiler: SHE ALREADY IS.

Here’s the deal my friend. I’ve been in this almost exact situation before, and so have plenty of other guys here. You’re in your early 20s, you WILL NOT listen to any of our advice, I know I wouldnt have either. But here it goes:

You have been together for too long and her whole world is you. She does not like this and wants to experience other guys, friends, relationships, etc. You have ONE move. Withdraw.

Not so much that you have to break up or completely ignore her or whatever. But start going out with your friends and leaving her out of it. Wait a while before you return calls or texts. Go out drinking and talk to some strangers. Basically, do the same thing that she is doing with some skype dude who is well within driving distance. The more you clutch on to her, the more she will resent you.

52

This is good advice - many will consider it game playing, but it is not - as long as it is GENUINE. You have to get and increase time in interests that don’t involve her. But don’t do it from the perspective of winning her back - do it from the point of view of improving yourself and doing things you like.

She either wants to be with you or doesn’t. She might be working through some issues with this guy. Maybe on some level she wanted to test the waters with someone new and is starting to realize she made a mistake. But your best bet is to let her realize this if you aren’t always there for her 100%.

This is very hard to do. I’ve been where you are and so have most guys. It sucks. There is nothing wrong with you being jealous and don’t believe anyone that tells you you are being controlling or whatever. This isn’t like you aren’t letting her have guy friends. Try and control your emotions as best you can. Remember that millions of people have been where you were. This will either hopefully make your relationship stronger - or give you good practice for the future.

She probably really believed some of the things she told you.

Good luck

53

I was going to post just what the two prior posters did-develop your own friendships and explore activities independent of her. Maybe she doesn’t like being your whole world.

From the perspective of being 20 years older than you, there’s no way I’d put up (and didn’t) with that shit. Good luck.

54

If one has already made the decision that the relationship is doomed, one can at least have some fun with it and push it to the limits.

Here’s what I would suggest: when she’s talking to her friend, or texts him, ask to be in on it. Especially if they’re texting away, give her some time to herself first then ask to see what she’s been talking to him about. Pretend like you’re just curious or that he’s such a cool guy he wants to see what the buzz is about. If she in any way refuses or is reticent, then you know she’s hiding something and that something is not good. And if she ever meets him anywhere, find out where they’re going and drop in on them and hang out as if it was all normal and you’re not checking up on her. Another thing you can do to test her limits is when she’s Skyping with him, see if you can lure her away by kissing her and doing other stuff. Ask her to tell this guy they have to talk in an hour because you two have to have hot sex.

I do disagree with the previous posters on one thing though, there’s another thing that’s under your control that you can do: threaten/hurt this other guy. Don’t do it, its illegal and I don’t recommend it, but that’s totally under your control. If he’s the problem, then get rid of him somehow, and that goes for every new “friend” she meets

55

You run into her room, interrupt her during one of her Skype talks, rip her clothes off and f*** her like she’s never been f***ed before. She won’t even remember who he is when you’re done.

You’re one small step from losing her to this guy. Man up, and do what you gotta do. Playing this pussyball will guarantee she ends up in a relationship with this other guy, and you in your room crying for a week.

I don’t mean any disrespect here. I’m legitimately telling you what it takes. Women are fickle and irrational. This guy is playing her like a puppet and you gotta show her who’s the man.

56

Wow, that whole situation sounds unreal. Just don’t do anything drastic, umkay?

57

I agree with the 1st sentence, half-disagree with the 2nd. Relate to the middle paragraph, and 50/50 with the last- though it might just be semantics.

It sounds like an emotional affair. This guy is now occupying that place in her “heart” or however you want to call it. Don’t dismiss the possibility of a physical affair due to distance of 6-7 hours. My first GF lived 3 hours away and I saw her every weekend. My wife lived 10 hours away when I met her and I paid the measly $140 to fly to see her at least monthly. I know a woman who flew from OH to FL to cheat on her husband, and I know a guy who flew from TX to OH to cheat on his GF with a married woman he flirted with over a facebook game. People will travel internationally to cheat. Married people with multiple young children have left their families for people they’ve never met in person who live halfway across the world.

You CAN “win” partners back sometimes when it seems over, but the way to do it is to NOT try to compete in a game you can’t win. They are in a fog. Every “relationship” starts off in one. You can’t compete with a fantasy version of a non-existent person. You might “win” by letting her go. Just about the worst thing you can do is beg or plead or tell them how much you love them. They know, it doesn’t matter. Don’t point out “good times,” because she will just pick apart the little bad things.

Try a “180.” Probably your best bet. I’m not saying to leave her preemptively or anything. But if she’s prioritizing an emotional relationship with another guy, it seems like she decided and let you know she values that relationship over yours. IMHO.

58

I thought YogSogoth was going to take the medal for worst advice in this thread, but then Stringbean really stepped up and is now a serious contender. :slight_smile:

59

Its an honor just to be nominated! :smiley:

60

You’re being a bit optimistically foolish, but honestly I would not expect anything else from a 24 year old man who has had one GF for the past 7 years. Your emotional and life investment in this woman is huge. I can understand that you would put up with almost anything, endure almost any level of humiliation, rather than lose her. When I was 24 I knew it all and I could handle any problem …until I didn’t and I couldn’t… and I made some very foolish relationship decisions. The issue is not that she may or may not get over her 2-4 hour a night Skype buddy, it’s that she believes this behavior can be tolerated within the context of an exclusive relationship and not damage it, and now you are onboard with it also, because you are required to be if you want to hold onto her.

Look at the big picture rationally, you’re just being silly at this point. Your rationalization that this can be acceptable stinks of desperation and no woman is going to respect a desperate man in the long run