Basic story: My friend, T, is currently living with another person, and hating every minute of it. I want to move out of the residential college I’m in and edge a little further into the real world. I’ve suggested moving into a flat together, and he likes the idea. However, I’m not sure if this is such a good idea anymore. I need some Doper opinions.
His current housemate, S, is a little princess. Self centred, neurotic woman living off her rich parents. He has genuine complaints: She owes him about a hundred dollars in rent, the household duties are unevenly shared (Read: S cleans her room, T cleans everywhere else.) and S is a borderline alcoholic.
Where I think T goes wrong is, instead of talking to her about it and at least airing his grievances, he’s acting like a passive-aggressive jerk. He takes her food, makes snarky little comments to her when S is trying to engage him in basic conversation and won’t stop bitching about her to me. She’s unaware that he can’t stand her and continues to do the same things that piss him off.
There’s no way in hell I’d ever move in with S, but should I be concerned with the way that T is acting? I’d hate for him to decide that he doesn’t like me either and then be on the receiving end of the cold war.
Is T justified in his actions or do I have some cause for concern? Should I think twice about moving in with him?
Holy crap, Im in almost the EXACT SAME situation as you are (well, I can’t afford to live on my own until I graduate, but regardless…)
I too have a friend who has a female roomate whom he does not get along with, and instead of being assertive about it and sticking to his guns he acts passive-agressive around her and gripes about it to me. It makes me mad, because I really see what she does to him, and its frustrating to see that he doesn’t just kick her out! I really like his living arrangement and if I were able to afford to move out I’d definitely ask him if he was interested in replacing his current roomate with me. Guess we’ll both get some answers now, huh, Iciclefuzz?
If I was living with a girl, I’m pretty sure there would be a girl bitching on some message board about how M lounges around in the same sweatshirt and jeans unless he’s going out, strolls in drunk at 5:00am, never seems to sleep, never cleans anything and his friends always come over and hit on her.
In other words, sure. Move in with him. Sounds like you’ll get to dominate the house.
Look at the situation as a contract with a friend if you decide to do it.
“You’re my friend, and I don’t anticipate problems. If they come up, there are things we can do to make it acceptable to deal with the problem without resorting to snarkitude and nastyness.”
Then lay out the problems you have had, the problems you have seen, and the issues that you wish to avoid. MONEY FIRST. This is the biggest root of problems, financial responsibility. Then responsibility, and respect for others property, privacy and the rest.
Then learn that (Sorry, guys) male persons tend to brood about stuff, or pretend that nothing is wrong until everything is. So learn the phrase “Tell me what’s going on” and then listen. He may expect you to ‘fix’ it, but at least you’ll have a clue. Then you drag out a discussion of what you can BOTH do to ‘fix’ it.
It will make your life easier, and somewhere down the line, some woman will bless your name for teaching the guy basic communication skills for co-existing with another human.