Should I send the card? (Friend dilemma)

I have two friends from college; let’s call them B and C. B lives not far from me and we get together every couple of months, and also e-mail frequently. C lives quite a bit farther from both of us. She’s in more frequent contact with B than I am; C often comes up to visit B, and sometimes Mr. S and I join in when they’re up here, sometimes not. We also all occasionally get together when one of us throws a party or other gathering. But my one-on-one contact with C is infrequent. No bad feelings, just the way it is.

C recently had major surgery; it was elective, but it should help with some chronic problems she’s been having and, if all goes well, should have a fairly substantial impact on her life. I found out about it because B told me.

A day or so later, B wanted to know if C and I were feuding, because when she told C that she had told me about the surgery, C got very quiet. When B changed the subject, all was well again. I told her no, as far as I knew everything was fine between C and me, but that I suspected that C hadn’t wanted the fact of her surgery spread around. After some thought, she agreed that that was probably right. (C hadn’t said not to tell anyone, so B [rather rashly, IMHO, but I didn’t tell her that] assumed that it was OK to tell.) What she plans to do to smooth things over with C over that, I have no idea.

Here’s my dilemma: Before I found out that I wasn’t supposed to know about the surgery, I went out and bought a “You go, girl!” type card, intending to write a little note of support and encouragement and send it to C. Now I’m wondering if I should.

If I send it, it may be another reminder of the fact that B told me something she wasn’t supposed to, thus hurting C again and not helping the rift (if any) between B and C.

If I don’t send it, well, now C knows that I know about the surgery, and I feel that if I don’t acknowledge it I’m a cold, thoughtless bitch.

I’m leaning toward sending it anyway, on the understanding that it’s never rude to send good wishes. What say the Dopers?

You could send a “thinking of you” card that doesn’t directly address the surgery if you think that might be better. Add a line about how much you value your friendship with her, and that the two of you should get together for coffee sometime. It’s a way of saying you care, but you respect her privacy if she doesn’t want to talk about her medical issues.

I’d send a card. Not sure if I’d go with the “you go girl” route since with the breach of information you may not want to come off as too flippant. Include with it a note (or skip the card entirely and write an actual letter) saying something acknowledging the discomfort of the situation but exressing your best wishes for a complete recovery.

I’d go ahead and send it. C knows that you’ve been told of the surgery, for better or for worse. Might as well make her feel better that you know about it by doing something kind. :slight_smile:

Another vote for either send the card or send a more neutral card acknowledging the surgery/mentioning she’s in your thoughts, whatever.

I don’t think I’d mention the whole issue with whether or not you should have known about the surgery. I do wonder, though, whether the problem wasn’t that you shouldn’t have been told, but that the friend having the surgery was wondering whether she should have told you herself.

I’d send a card. It would be weird not to now that you know (and she knows that you know) about the surgery.

I think this best sums it up. I’ll also take Otto’s advice and find a card that’s a little less flippant (and of course write a personal note as well). I don’t think I’ll allude to the “unpleasantness” – just send good wishes and such.

Thanks for confirming my hunch!