I see no reason to tell her unless you become involved in a serious relationship. It could come up then. Of course, she will probably know you were a virgin the first time you do it and it’s over in 3 seconds.
I wouldn’t volunteer anything, but some time before you actually “engage” she should have some kind of heads up.
I did, and it was.
My first time she asked me ‘how many previous women have you slept with’ and I just said ‘not a lot’. which was, technically, not a lie.
I voted yes. Ideally you should tell her, and ideally you would be better off for having told her. Life is rarely ideal, though.
My vote is for “tell”, but wait until the two of you start talking about sex (or, lacking a discussion, when the clothes start coming off). Bringing it up earlier than that would seem, to me at least, like you’re a bit over-focused on your virginity, either on losing it or preserving it.
I would tell her right after you had sex with her.
She will treat you differently the moment she knows you’re a virgin. What you want is to be treated like any other guy. Once you’ve slept with her it doesn’t matter at all to her or to you. If she knows beforehand, she will see your virginity as baggage and it will turn her off to you.
Unless losing your virginity is a huge deal and you want it to be with “the right person.”
In which case, you will be waiting a long time.
I don’t like the poll options. I feel like the subject of your lack of sexual experience isn’t something to be volunteered freely, nor something to be hidden in shame. If the conversation or activities go there, and it’s relevant, you should be as honest and forthright as possible.
That said, some minor obfuscation is appropriate, as mentioned by others upthread–“not a lot of experience,” stuff like that. Anyone who presses further might not be the kind of person you want to sleep with in the first place.
In general, people make too big a deal of the concept of virginity–you’re probably going to be as lousy a lover your second time as your first. You don’t completely change after having sex the first time (although you will likely be imbued with a bit more confidence!).
Tell her before you have sex.
It’s a pertinent piece of information that you know that she would want to know. Withholding it is a lie by omission.
I once dumped a guy when I found out that he hadn’t told me that he had been a virgin. Post-coitally, he said “you know, that was the first time I’ve ever done that.” I said “get out.” (I would still have slept with him had I known beforehand.)
I disagree wholeheartedly. Why is it relevant whether he’s had sex or not? Was he supposed to tell you if he had only had oral sex, or manual stimulation? What about his number of partners; anything from 1 to a million not worthy of disclosure, but zero is crucial?
Bullshit. If you toss him out right after he admitted giving you his virginity, then it’s obviously a huge deal to you that he was a virgin. You didn’t want to deal with the baggage so you ran from it, and provide weak justification ex post facto.
You’re exactly why the OP is neurotic about losing his virginity.
How many times did it work?
Bingo.
Your free to dump someone for whatever reason you choose, including that you don’t like the color of their toothbrush, but if it was that important to you you should have asked.
I’m a woman, and I would rather know upfront. You know, when the time came. I would not consider a man’s virginity a negative at all. In a sense we are all noobs when it comes to having a sexual relationship with a new person, because what they enjoy or how you are compatible will be different from the person who came before.
I wouldn’t, however, consider it mandatory that he tell me. Just that I would prefer to know.
[QUOTE=Green Bean]
I once dumped a guy when I found out that he hadn’t told me that he had been a virgin. Post-coitally, he said “you know, that was the first time I’ve ever done that.” I said “get out.” (I would still have slept with him had I known beforehand.)
[/QUOTE]
Is there more to this story you’re not revealing here? Because this seems like a pretty extreme reaction and is very difficult to comprehend when taken at face value.
In grad school, I had a girlfriend where I was her second boyfriend and the second person that she had slept with. A few weeks into our pre sex relationship I was about ready to call it quits because I thought she was being manipulative. When she explained I was her second boyfriend it clicked that she wasn’t messing with me, rather she was pretty inexperienced and nervous. That changed my behavior and response, and we had quite a good and pretty long relationship eventually.
Every situation is different, but if this hypothetical guy is seeing a woman he likes and would like an on going relationship with (as opposed to only trying to do the wild thing with), probably should be open about it. Otherwise, as pointed out above, kind of a lie of omission.
Heh. I considered using it again, but it wasn’t necessary with the second girl I slept with, and since I ended up marrying her I doubt the opportunity will arise once more.
How about telling her *during *sex? At that point, if you’re lucky, she might be too distracted to get upset. And then later, when the deed is done, some time will have passed for her to look at it more from a distance, and maybe not be all emotional about it.
“I’m a virgin. Er… was. Er… am. Look, I want your opinion, if I haven’t had sex before you, am I technically a virgin at this second or not? At what point in the act does the transition happen? It’s an interesting philosophical question and I think it really shows a breakdown in binary logic. I read a pretty good article on multi-modal logic the other day where…”
I really think it depends on the person, her age, her experience, etc.
When I was 28 (and not a virgin), I dated someone who was 25 (and was a virgin). For example, you could be dating someone who’s only had one boyfriend and isn’t very experienced, at least in terms of partner numbers. She may be nervous about being with a new person, and dating a virgin could actually be a relief to her.
Or you could be dating someone with a lot of partners who will find it odd/undesirable you’re a virgin. If she’s really going to be nasty about it, however, she’s probably not girlfriend material.
Or maybe you just want to have fun, lose your virginity, and get your rocks off with a hottie who isn’t going to be around forever. In that case, don’t ask, don’t tell.
So I think context is important.