I can’t speak for all women here, but if I loved or even just really liked the guy, I’d be happy to help.
As I’ve already said in another thread, what would worry me as a woman is not the virginity per se, but the (assumed) cause, i.e. I would worry about what why no other woman had ever slept with the guy. In absence of religious reasons or other more unusual causes I’d assume things like low confidence or bad social skills and that is something I’d not want to deal with. So to the OP, I think the tell or not tell is kind of a red herring. Work on being the type of person who is comfortable around women, who feels at ease flirting etc. I suspect the “telling” issue won’t even be terribly important if you can get that sorted.
I don’t think so, or rather not necessarily. It’s a different issue, but I’ve been very self-conscious about my sexual aptitudes when I was a young man. I already mentioned that I have been a premature ejaculator. First gf wasn’t a problem, obviously, because I didn’t know. But when we split several years later, it became a huge issue for me.
I had no problem with being around women and interacting with them. In fact, all my close friends were women. But dating one? Ah! Dating meant eventually sex and sex meant her discovering I was a premature ejaculator. So, I just didn’t date. Not only I wouldn’t hit on women (despite the sex urges you can imagine for a man in his early 20s during a dry spell) but I would reject those who showed an interest in me.
Eventually, one chased me down persistently enough for me to give in. But I delayed dating her for a long while (and I think if a peculiar event hadn’t taken place, I might never have), then I delayed sex, and then I delayed penetration. When she began to seriously enquire about why we still weren’t at the PIV stage (she was by this time staying with me), I eventually admited to the horrible truth. It didn’t bother her that much in fact, but I can say that I have a pretty good personal experience with self-consciousness about a sexual shortfall leading to not having any relationship at all, despite not having problems with interacting with women in general.
Hence my answer to the OP : “if seeing a prostitute is what it takes for you to feel at ease, go for it” (besides thinking that it doesn’t really matter anyway if he does, so why not if it makes him feel better).
And more specifically about lack of experience making people self-conscious. I was 19 when I dated my first girlfriend. She was 21. She knew I was a virgin. She had dated another guy (and I knew it) for 1-2 years, so she wasn’t inexperienced. Despite this, she originally lied to me about having had other boyfriends in order to hide that she had had only one and wasn’t that much experienced. So, it’s not like the OP’s issue is extremely uncommon. If a non-virgin 21 yo feels the need to invent extra experience when dating a virgin, it’s not exactly a surprise that a 27 yo would be extremely worried about having no experience at all when dating a (presumably) experienced woman.
You keep asking the same question over and over again and refuse to take either “YES, tell” or, “NO, don’t tell” for an answer. In your poll, people are about 3:1 for telling. I don’t agree with the ‘3’ but then I’ve made that perfectly clear. What you’ve not answered in any way is the question:
Tell in service of what?
If you’re an otherwise socially, mentally and physically well adjusted adult, then I really don’t see any good reason for disclosing this information unless you’re asked directly unders some very specific circumstances. And even then, I recommend avoiding answering the question if nothing good will come of it. Others disagree and that’s fine.
But what answer are you looking for here, if not a Yes or a No? :dubious:
Where did you draw the line between “hanging out with a girl who you like, and you think is interested in you” and a date?
No offense intended, and I believe you (I certainly had my fair share of hang ups…) but I think it’s an unusual situation to be in. I don’t think many people would stop themselves progressing from enjoyable stage 1 to enjoyable stage 2 because of fears of stage 10.
I think that’s a good answer.
But I also think the answer of “If you’re having trouble talking to girls, and think this will help, it probably won’t” is an important one, because this kind of feeling and situation is common on the dope. But instead of virginity it might be that they are too awkward, too short, too into building steam engines.
But if you could wave a magic wand and make a short guy tall, he’d find things are still not so easy, and that it will probably take some persistence and embarrassment / heartache before a “late-bloomer” becomes someone who is confident with women and has positive relationship(s).
That’s my luck! I’ve always had trouble getting what Americans mean by “date”, and for once I use the word, and I’m asked to define it :smack:
Here, I meant “having a relationship with a girl”. I was, in fact, hanging around young women I was attracted to, and waiting for…hmmm…probably what eventually happened : a girl who wouldn’t let go until she was in my bed.
FTR, as I already mentioned, it was another who “cured” me. A woman not particularly remarkable in any way, but for whom sex wasn’t at all a big deal. All my year-long sexual hang ups essentially evaporated in one month with her.
Yes, it’s very possible that his virginity isn’t really the issue. But in any case, every little bit might help. That would be at least one item crossed off his “why I can’t date a woman” list.
What Mijin said. It seems to me that we’re all focusing on the poll options, and not spending nearly enough time on the real issues. If I am understanding this correctly, the OP has never even kissed a woman. He doesn’t know how to initiate a dating relationship.
So here’s my advice: Stop setting any goals at all other than this one, Ask at least three women out to dinner every week. Not the same three, either. Learn to enjoy the one-on-one companionship of dating. Converse. Get to know some actual humans who happen to have female plumbing.
The first three or four weeks it may well be that none of them says “Yes.” That’s fine, you’ll get more confident anyway and learn that you don’t shrivel up and die when you hear the word “no.”
If one says yes, and then you go out and enjoy talking with her, then wait a day then call and ask her out for the following weekend. By the third time this happens kissing should naturally ensue.
By honest, be open, be interested, and keep trying.
