Hmm. I guess another way to put the question I’m asking is, do we assume that any prospective partner is by default not a virgin, so much that by not verbally volunteering their virgin status, that partner is to be perceived as deliberately deceitful?
Because I’m not sure that’s a default assumption I would make.
I think after a certain age people just assume you are no longer a virgin. I don’t think many women after high school and certainly not after college think they’ll ever be having sex with a virgin. For that reason the revelation is such a shock and would perhaps bring up questions as to whether the virgin is “normal”. Maybe you can move past it and develop a more intimate relationship but there is also a chance that the woman will believe it’s too much to handle, particularly if the virgin is in his 30’s or god forbid 40’s. So my question is is the revelation worth it? Or should the virgin just let nature take it’s course.
Uh, WE people on the on the Internet often are mistaken for ‘people IRL’.
Why send him off to a professional to get what he can get on the internet for free? Do you really think that his situation can be helped better by some freak with a (phony?) degree than by everybody on these boards?
The only thing that he can’t get that may (but probably won’t) be helpful that we can’t give him are prescription drugs. That, or insurance coverage to pay for it.
Yes, I assume that prospective partners are not virgins, both then and now. I don’t tend to move in circles where people fall into categories that lead to extended virginity. (At least in real life.)
Being a virgin when you’re 27 is NOT normal.
It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re defective, but don’t kid yourself about the fact that you’re in an unusual situation. Failing to share your status with a prospective partner may get you access to a wet hole, but it won’t change the fact that you are a sexual outlier. Accept the fact that most women will take it as a red flag. That doesn’t mean that it will be a dealbreaker for every woman, but it does raise legitimate concerns.
If she chooses not to have sex with you because you’re a virgin, it’s not because she’s not brave or strong enough to “handle” you. It’s because she finds you sexually incompatible.
Yes, the revelation is worth it. Your reality is your reality, and you do not want a woman who is not okay with your real situation.
There’s a lot of subtle woman-blaming in this thread. “Oh, women are so capricious that they might not have sex with me if they KNOW I’m a virgin. She’ll come to her senses once I get my dick into her.” It reminds me of those guys who complain that they’re in the friend zone and think that the object of their desire will love him once she comes to her senses and realizes what a dreamboat he is. They don’t respect the woman enough to accept that her preferences are legitimate.
Yeah, who needs professionals when you can get it free on the internet?
Umm. We are still talking about sex?
Well, at least you’ve provided the OP with an answer to his question. Should he keep it a secret? Going by this, then clearly yes. Also, judging by your earlier posts, he shouldn’t even tell her later, ever.
Glad to see that we got that cleared up.
I first had sex at the age of 27. I had told her it would be my first time beforehand… but I did so because I judged, from her personality and our relationship up to that point, that she would be fine with that (which she was). Had I judged otherwise, I wouldn’t have brought it up, and would have felt just fine about doing so.
Fact of the matter is, lots of women relate to virginity in really weird ways, and you don’t have an obligation to maximize your chances of being rejected. If bringing it up doesn’t feel right, don’t.
Don’t lie about it if she asks, though. That’s a terrible way to start a relationship.
I don’t think I need therapy. Being a virgin at my age may be strange but it’s not an illness.
Do lie’s of omission count? I don’t plan on lying if she asks, but as I said before it’s such an unusual situation that I don’t think it would cross her mind.
No. I think the concept of a lie of omission is best applied only to situations where the lack of knowledge increases the odds that someone will come to harm of some sort (either the person withholding the info, or the one it is withheld from). I don’t see that this is the case here. Sure, it may blow up at you, but so may telling beforehand. I don’t think withholding that particular information worsens the odds. The likely problems are her having preconceived negative notions about what older virgins are like, in which case she’s not going to be upset about finding out later, after she has direct evidence of what you are actually like. Her getting upset about some imagined breach of protocol for not telling is much lower. It’s not like she’s expecting you to never have been a virgin. 
Thinking back to when I was 27. I wasn’t a virgin, but I was a mess. I’d been on a couple of dates in five years, and hadn’t been on one in around three years. I’d lost my virginity at 22 to my only girl friend, and hadn’t gotten past a first date with anyone since. I had no idea what to do, and should have been in therapy. Once I did get serious with someone, I told her how inexperienced I was. i don’t think she dumped me because I was inexperienced in the sack, but being inexperienced in relationships probably doomed me that time. I must have learned something, since the next relationship I got into is up to 19 years and counting. I’m always on the side of being honest, but it was probably obvious that I had little relationship experience before getting into the sack anyway.
The reason most women would want to know before having sex is to prevent that sex from happening in the first place. So yes, most women would want to know. That is not in your best interest, however. Of course, there are women who would have no issue taking a near-30 year old’s virginity but many, many more would.
Inigo Montoya would like to have a chat with the people using “lie of omission” in this thread.
A lie of omission isn’t not mentioning something, it’s mentioning just enough of something while leaving out critical details (which change the significance of what was disclosed) to make the other person come to an erroneous conclusion.
E.g.: If I say “Evolution is about random chance.” I am leaving out the part about natural selection and trying to make the other person believe that evolution is only about random chance. It is true that evolution involves random chance but it is false to say that it’s only random chance. That is a lie by omission because it edits the truth with the aim of using partial disclosure of true information to lead the person to a false conclusion.
If OP tried to make the other person believe that he’d had sex by partial disclosure, that would be lying by omission.
As for the OP’s question:
Don’t mention it unless asked. If what she wants to find out about is your STD status, you can offer to pass tests (you can be infected by some of those even without having had sex).
Putting the lime in the coconut is not difficult on your first time. It’d be best to take it gradually and go from kissing on one date to petting on the next rather than go from little touch to sex on the same date.
“I’m not very experienced…”
Nobody would ever fuck you if they knew every single negative thing there is to know about you. Would you start a relationship by listing to your date all of your shortcomings? I doubt it. Why would not mentioning that he’s a virgin be more inethical than not telling you that he has a small dick, that he really isn’t good at giving head, that he snores at night, that he has cold feet, that he doesn’t pull down the seat of the toilets, that he’s really mean with his elderly neighbour, that his sister is crazy and shows up at random moments, that he doesn’t pick up his dirty socks, that he’s late on his car payment, and so on?
Truly, I somewhat understand that you feel you should know that. But I don’t think that omiting it because presumably he was extremely nervous about it is a serious sin. And telling him “get out!” without explanation as if he had done something really horrible wasn’t cool, either. Even besides the fear of rejection if he was telling you, it’s simply very difficult to tell a stranger something you’re really self-conscious about.
Something that you have an ethical duty to tell is something that might have negative consequences for him. For instance that you have a STD. Having slept with a virgin doesn’t harm you in any way, shape or form, so I don’t see where the lack of ethics enters the picture.
I think, for many people, the idea of taking someone’s virginity-as opposed to just having some sex-takes what would have been a relatively “low-key” thing and turns it into a Big Fucking Deal. At least that is their perception and it is a huge turn off.
Uh, why tell me? I’m not the one to recommend going to a professional/counsellor/people IRL/etc…
If you’re in your late 20’s and are still a virgin it’s probably not a surprise to her anyway. You give off a vibe.
I agree. But that age isn’t high school, or even college. By 27, yes, you have reached that age.
probably. I knew a guy who was still a virgin at 30. He never told me that, but I’m pretty sure of it.
You’re talking about yourself like you’re some kind of freak and I’m guessing that your self-perception of your freak-ness is a much bigger hindrance than actually whether or not you’ve had sex yet.
To me there is really no meaningful difference between a person who has had sex one time and a person who has had sex no times. But judging by your interest in hiring a hooker to get it over with, I’m guessing you think there is a meaningful difference. I would gently challenge that perception.
I guess it comes down to what kind of ‘‘first time’’ sexual experience that you want. If you choose not to tell her you might be slightly increasing your chances of getting laid, but if you do tell her, in the context of a dating/long-term relationship, your first experience might be amazing and an experience of real intimacy. I guess, is it more about sex for you, or intimacy? Because if you’re looking for intimacy, I think telling her up front would ultimately be more rewarding. There is something inherently rewarding about having a sexual relationship with someone knowing you are on the same page. I think, ‘‘I haven’t done this before and feel kind of awkward about it’’ is every bit as important/rewarding as ‘‘oh yes, more of that.’’ But it all comes down to what you really want.
This not-so-young woman expects to be an equal, not to be “led” by the male. I felt the same when I actually was young.