*Occasionally I print these out and put them on my counter for the amusement of my co-workers.
Enjoy…*
Anyone who says they don’t like children obviously isn’t cooking them properly.
“Void where prohibited. We do.”
‘They couldn’t hit an Elephant from this dist…!’
Last words of General John Sedgwick
We’ve upped our standards, now up yours!
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.
Get your facts first…then you can distort 'em as much as you please.
It’s a dog eat dog world out there and I am wearing milk bone underwear.
“Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, he will be a mile away. And you’ll have his shoes.”
W.C. Fields, in You Can’t Cheat An Honest Man: “Some weasel stole the cork from my lunch!”
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
‘The early bird gets the worm’ just means the worm shoulda stayed in bed!
And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend.
You turn me on. But maybe it’s because I just spent 20 years in the jungle, getting it on with anything I could attract with a piece of fruit.
Defect borg:
“Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated”.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
I feel much better since I’ve given up hope.
I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
I do not merely dance. I bewitch. I seduce. I enchant and I bewilder. Throw money.
Hand me that wrench. No, the one that looks like a hammer.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you’d make a good sandwich.
I someday want to die, peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming, terrified like his passengers.
Knock softly but firmly, 'cause I like soft firm knockers…
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron; for not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow dry on roof rack.
My Father Used to carry me everywhere on his shoulders.
It got a bit cramped when he was driving though.
This Job is a test,
It is only a test;
Had it been an actual job,
You would have received
raises, promotions, and other
tokens of appreciation.
Remember the first rule of medicine
“ALL BLEEDING STOPS EVENTUALLY!”
The squeaky weasel gets greased
“My mind wanders, but don’t worry.
It’s weak and can’t get very far.”
Fundamentalism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Care to join me in a barbaric mating ritual?
Go ahead and touch me. You deserve it.
I’ve been sent to give you a singing mammogram.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Look, as long as you’re going to keep opening your mouth anyway…
Once I get my tongue on you, you’re mine forever.
You can’t go wrong with me but you’re welcome to try.
Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain
When you find yourself eating light bulbs for a living, you know you’ve made some bad career moves
Inside me there’s a thin person screaming to get out…but I keep her sedated with chocolate
“Those poor bastards. They’ve got us right where we want them. We can shoot in every direction now.” Colonel Lewis Burwell Puller, USMC, at Chosin Reservoir
It’s hard to meditate on amphetamines. - Joe Walsh
no, kitty cats are not for consumption…