SBD’s. You know, those stinky, oily farts that congeal in the air, linger for many minutes after the person who emitted them has left the area, and the source of which frequently cannot be identified because they are emitted in complete silence.
I’ve unleashed an SBD or two in my life, but I can’t for the life of me remember what I had been eating in the few hours before I unleashed my deadly bodily gasses on the world.
Soybeans, especially fermented ones, make for great stinky farts, but they are noisy farts, and therefore useless for my purposes.
What I want is to be able to create a fart with which to discredit my enemies. One which I can emit in an enclosed, crowded space, then at the appropriate moment, cast a sidelong look at the one on whom I wish to cast shame and embarassment,wrinkle my nose, and slowly move away, leaving my victim with the blame for having polluted the air around him/her.
How can I do this? I’ve tried supressing normal farts, and letting them out slowly, but it doesn’t really work. I can keep the sound down to where it isn’t noticable in a noisy environment, but I want to create truly silent farts.
What should I eat, and at what time period before I arrange to be in the enclosed, crowded environment with my enemy and others?
I’m not sure that it is so much what you eat as it is your own body’s metabolism. However…
You might try eating a big batch of cauliflower/broccoli/cabbage soup. And just for good measure, throw in a can of refried beans. It works for me, usually within an hour or so, then look out.
Out of curiosity, why would you want to be in an enclosed, crowded space with your enemies? If you fart on them, they are liable to take you out behind the wood shed for a “talk”.
I have the, uh, “talent” of being able to break wind on command… if you can make yourself belch, you can make yourself fart. Just suck a bunch of air into your stomach and HOLD it. It helps if you refrain from eating for like twelve hours; that way, you can take both take in more air and be assured that it circulates through the parfum de colon. Ahhhh… the miracle of peristalsis in action…
Well, believe it or not, I did a Google search on “cause flatulence” and it brought me this, holding its nose closed with a muscular thumb and forefinger. http://www.healthlinkusa.com/510.html
But life’s too short for me to wade through all these links for you. A job worth doing is worth doing well, and if you look it up for yourself, you’ll remember it better next time.
For some reason the link reminds me of the part in Pippi Longstocking, where she goes into the drugstore to buy some freckle cream. “Ah, you want to get rid of your freckles?” the druggist asks her. “No,” she says cheerfully, “I want more of 'em,” for she is under the impression that that is what freckle cream is for.
The link page says “Flatulence” like it’s a bad thing. "Links to websites which may include treatment, cures, diagnosis, prevention, support groups, email lists, messageboards, personal stories, risk factors, statistics, research and more. " I don’t see anything for “how to get MORE”.
Oh, well. Happy hunting! Let us know how it, er, comes out.
Do you live in the midwest? If you do, you should already know that the food you’re looking for can be found at your friendly neighborhood White Castle. If you don’t have a White Castle near you, try eating a lot of anything that has onions. (Especially dehydrated onions.) If find that Lender’s Onion Bagels and Burger King Onion Rings also perform admirably in this respect. Any of these foods combined with a carefully controlled sphincter ani will allow you to produce SBD’s with maximum linger factor. (My girlfriend makes me sleep in the other room on some occasions.) The only problem is that these foods might be too effective. By this I mean that after you do the deed and blame someone else (let’s call him Bob) you might have trouble explaining why your office and the inside of your car smells like Bob’s ass.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will insure maximum noxious pungency like boiled eggs. A couple of those plus a few of the above mentioned White Castle gut bombs, and you may become eligible for federal disaster funds.
It works for me, usually within an hour or so, then look out. 