tits on a bull
one legged man at an ass kicking
cat at a dog show
and for someone who makes everything uselessly complex - that man could complicate a dog-fuck in the back yard.
…an inflatable dartboard.
Useless as a pot of decaf.
:: checks Sleepy’s forehead ::
Are you feeling okay?
I heard it as:
…a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
I’d heard ‘chocolate kettle’, which would be less effective.
The expression is “as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” I use it at work all the time.
I swear that I have actually heard, and used, this one: “As useless as a truckload of dead rats at a tampon factory.”
…as a kickstand on a Sherman tank. (George Carlin)
In the run of “useless” as ones, I commonly hear and use “Tits on a bull”, but I have also heard occasionally “Tits on a boar”
The one legged man I’ve always heard (and used) in the context of “as busy as…” and using the full phrase of an ass-kicking contest.
A related phrase I’ve always liked is “as busy as a one-armed paper hanger”
In a similiar vein, while trying to describe either how useless or a disorganised an individual is I like:
“Couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery”, and
“Couldn’t organise an orgy in a brothel”
Well, if we’re expanding to those:
“He couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a fistful of pardons.”
“He couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.”
[also "busy as]…a one-armed paperhanger.
"…JPEGs to Helen Keller." (thanks, Al!)
…hen shit on a pump handle. (City Slickers)
… a spare prick at a wedding.
. . . man nipples
(undoubtedly derived from the “tits on a ____” ones)
But.. it doesn’t make any sense. Why would a one-legged man be any more busy in an ass-kicking contest? He ought to be performing the same number of kicks as his bipedaled combatants.
I’ve always heard “as useless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. Which makes a great deal of sense if you picture a one legged man trying to kick someone in the ass.
Mum always says “… useless as a hip pocket in a pair of underpants”. I have actually seen underpants that have pockets, so I guess someone thinks they aren’t entirely useless.
There’s one I like that goes something like “Useless as a eunuch at a whorehouse.” I may be misremembering it.
[QUOTE=Max Torque]
The expression is “as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” I use it at work all the time.
[/QUOTE]
There are no absolutes with folk expressions.
I first heard it in the “Useless as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking” formulation in 1990. (I can date it because I remember who I was with at the time, which nails down the year for me.) The simile was “useless as,” and there was no “contest” addendum. (Where I’m from everyone knows what “an ass-kicking” is. No need to turn it into a contest.)