Groundskeeper Willie (filling in for a French class): BONJOURRRRRRRRRRR, ya cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!
From one of the Halloween episodes:
(The Lard Lad Donut man comes to Homer’s door to get his donut back)
Homer: I told you, I don’t have it. Try…Flanders’ house. Yeah, go kill Flanders. (to himself) He came to life. Good for him!
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It’s what seperates us from the animals…except the weasels.
actually, it should be: “White gold! Texas tea…sweetener!”
Ralph Wiggum: And when the doctor said I didn’t have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph. Very graphic.
Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder! Honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for Attempted Chemistry?
Salesman: Those are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Speed holes.
Honorable mention:
CBG: Oh, yeah, everyone’s real happy then.
Lyndsay: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Frink: [Pulls out sarcasm detection machine] Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts.
CBC: Ooh a sarcasm detector, that’s a real useful invention.
[Detector explodes]
I still don’t understand why I would have used the pages from all my books as toilet paper. I’d probably be more likely to use leaves from bushes, or palm fronds, or better yet, walk out into the water after I do my business, and wash myself.
Fine print on the pro-carnivore film they showed Lisa’s class when she set off the independent thought alarm twice in one day: [sub]Number 632 in the “Resistance is Useless” series[/sub]
Homer, on hearing of an impending teacher’s strike: That’s not the American way! When you hate your work, you’re supposed to show up and do a really crappy job!
Bart (following Santa’s instructions from the commercial): Get me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
Marge: BART!
Homer: I’ll handle this, Marge. (to Bart) Listen here, young man! In this house we use a little word called “Please!”
Troy McClure to Selma:
“Kissing you is like licking some sort of diviine ashtray.”
“Hey, there, blimpie … boy … flying through the snif sky so … fancy … free! sob”
“The nye Mets are my favorite baseball squadron!”
Homer: “I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! “Leaves of Grass”, my ass!”
Homer: “In your face, space coyote!”
Ralp Wiggum - “I bent my wookie.”
Ralph, our hero:
“me fail english, that’s unpossible”
“its smells like hotdogs”
“and that’s where I saw the leprechan---- he tells me to burn things”
Bonus:
Sea Captain:
“Arrr, I don’t know what I’m doing”
-me
Oh and its “alcohol” not “beer” in a prior post, see below.
Apu: “Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!”
Rex Banner: “Are you the Beer Baron?”
Ned Flanders: “Well, if you meet root beer, I’m gui-diddly-itly as char-diddly-arged.”
Rex: “He’s not the Beer Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in. What about you? Are you the Beer Baron?”
CBSG: “Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-mannered reported for a major metropolitan newspaper”
Rex: “Don’t crack wise with me, Tubby.”
CBSG: “Tubby? Ah. yes. Tubby.”
I love Fat Tony wayyyy too much, so he gets two:
Fat Tony: “Alright, here are your papers. You are Apu Nahasapemipetilan. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin to parents Mike and Judy Nahasapemipetilan.”
-and this one isn’t necessarily the quote itself, but the way he says it:
Homer: (disdainfully) “Oh Fat Tony!”
Fat Tony: “What? What did I do?”
Ralph: “These berries taste like…burning.”
Lisa: “We can eat the slime!”
Bart: “Every night the monkey butlers will regale us with stories.”
Oops…thought you wanted quotes from the desert island.
Never mind.
Principal Skinner:
“Nibbles! Chew through my ball sack!”
There’s too many…but these 3 came to mind.
Homer, about Lisa: “Yeah, and this perpetual motion machine she made is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster!”
“Lisa, get in here! In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
Homer talking in his sleep by his sugar pile: (said in a mexican accent) “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power. THEN you get the women.”
Lisa, who doesn’t want to buy new shoes: “Jesus wore sandals.”
Homer: “Well maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn’t have caught him.”
sneaking one more in…shhhh
Homer, in Moe’s bar: "I have this friend…Joey Jo-Jo, Jr.,…Shabadu…
Moe: “That’s the dumbest name I ever heard.”
a man runs out of the bar, crying
Barney: “Hey, Joey, Jo-Jo!”
Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case.
Homer: I’m coming with you. I got you fired; it’s the least I can do. Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing, but I’ll go you one better and come along!
Apu: But, sir, the head office is in India.
Homer: OK.
Lisa: Dad, that’s over ten thousand miles away.
Homer: I’m aware of that!
Lisa: That’s over sixteen thousand kilometers!
Homer: D’oh!
[Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
Homer: Hmm…ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh! Moving! Ah-ha! [pulls out $20 bill. He looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty dollars… but I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
Assistant: [sotto voce] Uh, election in November. Election in November…
Quimby: What!?? Again?? This stupid country.
One more…
Bart and Millhouse are sitting on the curb after running out of money.
Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?
Bum: [energetic and inspirational] You mustn’t kill time, boys, you must cherish it. Seize the day!.. [slumps back] Can I have some change to go get loaded?
Homer: (teaching The Three Great Sentences to Bart, and perhaps misquoting himself)
Cover for me.
It was like that when I got here.
Great idea, boss!
Troy McLure: Hi, I’m Troy McLure! You might remember me from such educational films as “One minus two equals negative fun,” and “Sally doesn’t live anymore.”
Homer, leaving the house for one of his schemes: If we don’t return, avenge deaths.
And as the beer baron: I’m not going to lie to you, Marge.
and trying to cover for the exploding stills in the basement: Boom! Kablammo! Must be that bean I had for dinner.
So many more, and so many good ones already covered.
Mr. Burns: “Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing? Well I say, hard cheese!”
Homer: “Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?”
Lisa: “No.”
Homer: “Ham?”
Lisa: “No.”
Homer: “Pork chops?”
Lisa: “Dad! Those all come from the same animal!”
Homer: “Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal!”
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Postman: Ok Mr. Burns, what is your first name?
Homer: I Don’t Know!!!
Homer: Can’t Murder Now, Eating!
D’oh! I knew that – that’s what makes it so funny. I just typed it wrong.
–Cliffy
Barney, after a bender, referencing my alma mater: “All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe that was a street corner…”
Grandpa, upon finding a torn wrapper on the sidewalk: “Latex condo? I’d sure like to live in one of those!”
Moe, to his patrons, after answering the phone: “Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I’m looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can’t I find Amanda Huggenkiss?”
Barney’s response: “Maybe your standards are too high!”
Homer: “Kentucky Fried Panda…it’s finger Ling Ling good.”
Homer: “Super fun happy slide!”
Rev Lovejoy: “Homer, can you see a light?”
Homer: “Yes”
RL: “Move towards the light, my son”
H: “Owwww!”
And a bonus
Jasper: “Sidewalk’s for reg’lar walkin’, not for fancy walkin’”