Could you, or would you, have a sexual relationship with a person you know isn’t a suitable mate? Not a serial killer, just someone that you could never see yourself with on a long-term basis?
The best answer to that lovely “Why are you single?” question I’ve ever seen was in a thread right here, not that I can find it, but basically it said single people are alone because they don’t want the people that want them. That’s precisely it.
So, is it okay to stay single and be bang buddies with one of those people that you don’t actually want? I’m not looking for validation, actually, just wondering how common other long term singles view it.
You don’t have to be in love with someone to have sex. You don’t have to be in love with someone to respect them. I have had sex with people I didn’t love, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t respect them.
But it has never worked for me. I tried this twice.
The first time I began to feel more and more annoyed with the guy and went off the sex part really quickly because of it. I broke it off.
The second time I got more and more into the guy and ended up deeply in love with him. Which was not the deal as far as he was concerned so I ended up heartbroken.
I’m not saying having a relationship just for sex is impossible, but from personal experience I would say it is highly likely that one of the two above scenarios develops. That’s not necessarily the case, but if you considering a “just for sex” relationship you are going to have to be strictly honest with yourself as to what your motivations and the motivations of the other person are.
IMO it’s often the case in these situations that one of the two people is actually in love with the other and won’t admit it admit, kidding themselves into thinking it is just for sex so they don’t feel used, whereas the other doesn’t want to admit that the first one has feelings for them so they can justify the continuation of a situation which is convenient for them without feeling guilty. This can situation can last a long time, making both parties unhappy in the end.
Hope that wasn’t too preachy, but I really feel that’s how it is all too often.
I have sex with people I’ve just met, in the bedroom of the party house.
It’s called getting lucky at a party, which is one goal of going to parties.
You just feel horny at the same time. No need to talk marriage, or sign up for a pre-nup meeting with lawyers, since you haven’t even dated.
I think its possible but not probable that you can have that kind of sexual relationship without someone’s feelings getting hurt- unless it really is two strangers in a back bedroom at a party- there isn’t an implied relationship there. But I don’t think its possible to respect either person in that scenario without the basis of a previous friendship. You can respect them (one night, just met stands) as a human but probably not as an individual person- you just don’t know them well enough.
My first sexual experience was with someone I knew and liked- I wouldn’t go so far to say I had a crush on him, but even though I knew the relationship was only about sex- it was still difficult when it didn’t work out past that. Even if there was no intention on either side to have a more in-depth relationship, there is still that feeling of rejection if the other side doesn’t even try . But we did both get what we wanted, and I still respect that person and don’t have bad feelings now- but our friendship didn’t survive past the sex. I agree with the long term single question- just haven’t found the right person- there are possible bang buddies out there, but I’d hate to be involved with one if the right person stumbled along. Boyfriend with Batteries is alot less emotionally risky and easy to put away if something better comes along LOL>
I’m married now but for a moment I’ll pretend it’s three years ago, when I was single …
Absolutely.
Not one-night-stands, I had one of those and it was horrendous. Appalling. Badness. We didn’t know each other and thus we couldn’t really be bothered pleasing each other.
But I had a number of ‘short-term relationships’ - based on the following criteria:
I like spending time with you
I’m attracted to you
it seems you feel the same way about me
It was fun and enjoyable and (with a few notable exceptions, which occurred when people were disrespectful to or dishonest with one another) ended very positively. We never expected to ‘end up’ together but I never saw how that meant we shouldn’t just enjoy the moment.
I highly respect my “bang buddy” as you put it. My relationship works. Although I had one that failed. I was friends with both of them before anything happened, and amstill friends with them now.
When I was in the dating scene, I wasn’t Dating To Get Married. I was Dating To Get Sex and Have Fun. The very idea that people would date another person only out of the idea that This Might Be The One is VERY strange to me. We respected each other, we had fun while it lasted, and we moved on.
I have had a few one night stands, tho. The one with a male ended up getting ugly (cause it turns out he was an ass), but with the females, we kept right on being friends, no problem.
I tried it once with a roommate. We were around each other all the time, and were good friends. We thought we could have sex and remain good friends. It was actually her idea. It worked for a couple weeks until I went out with another girl. She (my roommate)was jealous and told me so once I got home. After that we ended up dating (can you date someone you already live with?) for a couple months. We ended up breaking up and now we aren’t even friends.
Like someone else said it’s a good theory. But, usually some feelings will get involved.
I don’t want anyone in my life forever, and I never had. Whether this is fear of commitment, anti-socialness, or basic selfishness, I don’t know, but it is something I’ve come to terms with over the course of a series of relationships with “unsuitable” people.
I’m in a relationship with someone I was, and am, friends with. The relationship has no future, for a number of valid reasons, which suits both of us. There is great respect, lots of affection, and the sex is wonderful. I can’t see either of us wanting more out of it, and we’re both happy, so what’s the problem?
Speaking purely personally, I don’t do casual sex. Admittedly, the opportunity does not often arise (to put it mildly), but, even if it did … I’m an “only in the context of a relationship” person.
I know a few divorced people whom, after they were “free,” went on a sort of casual-sex rampage. I didn’t, myself. Partly through inability to attract women, partly through lack of desire, I think. I don’t know if I would have said “no” given the opportunity…but I’ve never been in a position to say no, either. I’ve done the “back room at a party” thing (once, and regretted it). The parties I go to now seem too formal for that sort of thing to happen.
I don’t think now I could do it outside of a relationship. But my mediocre attempts at joining the dating scene haven’t gotten me any closer to either sex or a relationship. For me it’s not even like AnimistDragon’s Dating Get Sex and Have Fun, more like Dating to Buy Strange Women Dinner and Never See Them Again. So, I suspect I will be able to post to a thread like this next year too.
I’m unclear as to how “not a suitable mate” translates into “without respect.”
That said, I guess my answer would depend on the reason I don’t respect him. If I don’t respect him because, say, he’s cruel to small animals and a general shit then probably not. If I don’t respect him because, say, he’s a lazy twit who can’t be bothered to look for a job, then sure I’ll still do him.
That’s precisely it, Otto he’s not an evil scrub or anything truly awful, he’s just a person I know I’ll never want to really share my life with, introduce to my friends, etc. He’s a nice enough guy, with one particular talent I enjoy, but fairly stupid and irresponsible and ignorant.
I feel like such a Guy!
I’ve been single most of my adult life, and will probably remain so and I’m not unhappy about that. Weird to get over years of female training about sex being all emotional and loving and leading somewhere and all that happy crap, eh?
I still feel this way about dating at 30. Dating is about hanging out with someone I enjoy spending time with. If it gets to the point that sex is involved, great. That still doesn’t mean that it has to be a person I would consider spending the rest of my life with. In fact, I think it would be dangerous to head into every date with the idea that this person could be The One. Now, sure, if I happened to meet someone and I fell in love and he fell in love and we got married and rode off into the sunset to make love under the weeping willow tree, then fantastic. But why should I live the life of a nun when I may never marry?
Go out, have fun. Have sex if the two of you want to. But pay attention to the situation. By that I mean, be aware of how you feel - if it seems like you are getting too emotionally attached or he is, it is likely time to step back and review the situation.
Now, one night stands are an entirely different matter. I have never had one, no matter how under the influence I might have been. It seems there are some aspects of my personal code of ethics/morality that don’t disappear, which is likely an excellent thing. I don’t know that I could handle a one night stand.
I don’t look down on people who can have sex outside romantic relationships - heck, there have been moments when I wished I could divorce sex and emotion, but I know I’m not wired that way and it would be a disaster. I think a lot of other people who do have sex outside relationships think they can handle it, but are deluding themselves on some level. There are too many opportunities for unintentional emotional damage.
For myself, I’ve never intentionally had a mindless fling, partially because I’m simply not physically attracted to someone, no matter how physically amazing he is, unless I feel some kind of non-physical connection. So I’m not going to be the girl in the back room at a party. I’d have to feel there is at least some possibility of it turning into something meaningful; otherwise, I’d feel awful afterward.
I don’t have any problem with the concept of sex out of a relationship. Heck, I’ve done the one-night-stand thing before, and haven’t regretted it. At the moment, I’m pretty much refraining until I’m in a relationship again, but when I’m caught in the right mood…
I’ve had easily 10x more relationships of the “I like you enough to do you, but we’re not right as partners” than of the traditional “suitable mate” variety. (Heck, it’s damn easy to find the former; it’s nigh on impossible to find someone who I want to spend most of my time with–and vice-versa.)
A few of my friends fall into the “bang buddy” (great phrase) category. We have similar social circles, so we see each other at the same nightspots and parties, but we don’t see each other every day or even every week. We hang out at each others’ houses every so often, catching up over a beer or a meal. Sometimes this leads to sex, but sometimes it doesn’t. We might run into each other at a dance party and wind up snogging the night away, or we might both be there with different partners and just nod and say hello. These guys may not be right for me, but they’re fun to be with and their company means I won’t ever be lonely–even without having a partner.
After all, there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with nice people even if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with them–and if you’re hanging out together, you may as well occasionally fuck each other, right?
… Right?
Then again, them rules are different for us queerer than folk.
. But we did both get what we wanted, and I still respect that person and don’t have bad feelings now- but our friendship didn’t survive past the sex. I agree with the long term single question- just haven’t found the right person- there are possible bang buddies out there, but I’d hate to be involved with one if the right person stumbled along. Boyfriend with Batteries is alot less emotionally risky and easy to put away if something better comes along LOL>