two men walk into a bar, but you’d think the second one would have seen it . . .
True, true. I just love it so much. But I’ll withdraw it.
Here’s a new one I heard:
Why do elephants wear red nail polish?
Oops, sorry, no polish jokes allowed.
And my favorite elephant joke:
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, “Help me, help me.” But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, “Anything! Anything!”
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.
Says the elephant: “Ouch!”
Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: “Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!”
One more: How to catch a white elephant: Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks rasins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.
runs away screaming from the jokes, after copying them all down for later use
No, kaiwik, I think your reading of my situation is correct. This is my first time away from home, at a rather late age. I called my parents last night because I had to ask Mom a question about a check I’d written her. I told her what had been going on the past couple days. She was horrified that I’d fallen down and hurt my foot again.
I’m here (sounding redundant), I’m just too freaking busy to do much more than read the jokes. Which I appreciate, because I am just working too hard today and need the humor.
On a brighter note, I made someone’s list of Dopers they want to meet.
I was getting a complex there for a bit… 
Wow you guys just filled a page really fast! I can’t read that fast!
Sorry to hear about your lack of internet GT. Hope it gets fixed (and the tree removed!) soon.
And I hope rosie’s and kaiwik’s backs feel better soon!
To whoever suggested we all go out and dance… I *hate * dancing. Before the wedding this past weekend, my ex and I made a pact to help each other avoid any and all dancing. (For anyone who missed me saying it yesterday, no, we didn’t go together, but we were both there and seated at the same table with other college friends.) And **KeithT ** and I have already agreed and made it clear to everyone else that we will not be dancing at our wedding. I have NO coordination and will embarrass myself in 2 seconds flat. Which led to the realization over the weekend that I’m just never going to be able to relax enough to not care if I embarass myself. So no dancing for me.
OK, lessee… the rest of my weekend that I didn’t get to write about yesterday. One of my grad school friends called on Friday, terrified that her green card is going to be revoked. She’d sent in the wrong form, but they never bothered to tell her so her green card is now about to expire and she has to submit a new form and needed letters saying that she married her husband because she really loves him not because she wanted to stay in the country. So I wrote something that I hope will satisfy the INS and delivered it to her husband. They got married 3 times! Would someone really do that if all she wanted was to stay here??
Anyway, then I went to the wedding, which was beautiful. I was a little lost at times though because I’m not Catholic and have never been to a Catholic wedding before. But I was with a bunch of other unbelieving sinners so we all muddled through and hopefully didn’t look too silly.
Even though I know we haven’t been kids in a long time, I couldn’t help but think how grown up we all looked in our wedding finery. This is the first of my college friends’ weddings and it just felt kinda weird.
Anyway on to how my ex-bf almost set our table on fire. At the reception there were candles on the table, but one of ours was out. So his friend, who tends to instigate trouble which the former taxidriver (TFTD) always goes along with, suggested that he take a rolled up piece of paper, stick it into one of the lit candle and then use it to light the other. (None of us smoke so no lighters or matches… besides, that would have been too simple.) So, foolishly, TFTD tries it. And of course the paper goes WHOOOOSH and burns up really quickly. So TFTD in a panic blows out the burning strip of paper, and in doing so blows out candle #2. Which the rest of us find completely hysterical. Especially at his crestfallen look. He was just so disappointed. And we then only had one lit candle left. Which was then used by someone else at the table to melt crayons. (There were crayons on all of the tables for us to color with… fun idea.) Which was pretty cool because the melted crayon mixed with the candle wax and looked neat. Until a drop of the crayon hit the wick and put out candle #3 and we were left in the dark. Really quite funny.
OK, so now I can’t remember what else I was going to discuss from my weekend so I’ll just say that after all the fun with family on Friday and friends on Saturday, I spent Sunday evening stuck at the airport in Cleveland. Grrrrr. A bad ending to a good weekend. And then I was so exhausted that I just took Monday off. Which means now I’m behind. ::sigh::
**taxi ** - you and KeithT enter the reception (“and now, for the first time as husband and wife: Mr & Mrs T!”)and stand in the middle of the floor. When the DJ palys your song, hug each other and sway. You don’t even have to move your feet. Simple. Because EVERYONE at the reception will be expecting your “first dance”
You know what sucks? I’ll tell you what sucks.
Meetings.
Specifically, pointless meetings in which we rehash stuff we already decided last month. Why do we have these meetings? Because the dipshits in charge have nothing to do, they strongly suspect (correctly) that the rest of us have nothing to do, and they feel a burning need to justify our collective existence.
Why do we have nothing to do? (I’m using “we” in a general sense, because I was stupid enough to accept a stupid promotion, and I always have an assload of redundant paperwork to do lately.) Because it’s August in Albany, New York. Do you know what happens in Albany, New York in August? NOTHING. Absolutely nothing happens in Albany in August because the Legislature is out of session, the US Congress is out of session, regular state and federal employees remain as useless as ever, and every damned thing that happens in this town is driven by one set or other of those drunken losers. And then I have to clean up the mess. They ain’t working, nobody else is working.
On the upside, I just found out that today is the International Food Fest at the Plaza, so I just decided to bag work and go find the beer truck.
Oh, crap. Is this a joke thread now? Here you go:
What do you call 10,000 politicians in the Marianas Trench?
A good start.
there’s a Google ad for lawyer jokes . . .
what’s the difference between a barracuda and a lawyer?
one is a mud dwelling, scum sucking, bottom feeder . . . and the other is a fish
Phew! Staff meeting over and lunch went swimmingly. FTR, it was decided by somebody else that I would order NINETEEN INDIVIDUAL chinese entres with choice of spring roll, egg roll or soup and choice of white or fried rice. Before the meeting I had to match up the ordered entres with the orderee and write their name on the box because eighteen professionals with college degrees cannot remember what they ordered and would wander off with someone else’s lunch. But as I said, it went swimmingly. 
[bad dead baby joke]How do you tell the difference between a truck load of marbles and a truck load of babies?
you can’t unload the marbles with a pitchfork.
What? Don’t look at me like that! Why’dja think I spoilered it??? :mad:
Really, really, bad, horrible, nasty racist joke that’s not the least biy funny, but sort of representitive of the crap you hear in out-of-the-way backwoods diners:
So this truck driver is hauling a load of bowling balls up the Northway to Canada, and sees a little black kid by the side of the road with a bicycle with a flat tire. He asks the kid if he needs a lift, and since the kid really needs to get to Montreal, he tells him to hop in the back of the truck.
When they get to the border crossing, a Customs guy peeks in the back of the truck and yells to his partner, “We’ve got to get this load across the border right now!”
His partner asks why, and he says,
“Because this guy is hauling a load of darkie eggs, and one of them has hatched and already stolen a bicycle.”
I’m gonna get banned for that, but I don’t care, because now I really am going to find the beer truck.
Ok, folks we have a volunteer for next week’s MMP. We need to put this to our customary [del]railroading[/del] vote.
All in favor or Kai or is it wiki, say “Aye.”
AYE!!!
All those opposed (yeah, right!) say “Nay.”
::Crickets::
The “Ayes” have it. kai or is it wiki will host next week’s MMP.
Aye for kai!
I couldn’t resist the rhyme.
For that you should do time. 
I hesitate to go here, but where is this thread re Dopers you want to meet? <sigh> I say hesitate, because my ego will take a beating…no one wants to me. I am the Rodney Dangerfield of cyberspace.
Here is my joke:
How do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her!
See what I mean?
MBG and rigs and everybody else here made my list. One of my first comments was “I’d love to have a MMP-fet.” So there. Nyah.
I went and put my deposit on a new place down today! We’re going to start painting and stuff on Friday, hopefully. I have the day off (neat!)
These jokes are terrible. TERRIBLE! I actually didn’t figure out the swampy joke for forever, because I was picturing something more difficult to get until I realized it was simpler.
Alternate line:
Punch her tit.
How do you drive a baby buggy?
Tickle it’s feet.
Yay! You and me both - I’m moving at the end of this month, but have already started moving stuff over. No need to paint for me, but I did clean top to bottom as I said. And I have the day off Friday, too, so I can do plenty of packing.
I like the jokes!
Happy Wednesday! Happy Hump Day! We’re on the downslope to the weekend, and it was mild enough here to leave the house open and the AC off. YAY!
Doesn’t take a whole lot to make me happy, does it?
That’s all I’ve got. Carry on, but can we please avoid the dead baby stuff - that’s just not funny.
Here’s the thread I think you want, rigs.
I agree with FCM about the dead baby jokes.
Although I adore the elephant jokes for some reason.