Slortar Unleashed

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Greetings, weak residents of the Straight Dope Message Board.

I, Slortar, Evil Space Dinosaur, have become fed up with your snivelling, bourgeois ways. Unless you fulfill my following demands, I WILL KILL…

…this adorable little kitten. Say “hi” to the nice weaklings, Mitzi.
(meow)
ANYHOO. I demand 15 tons of lard, 5 crates of pink silly string, a copy of a demo tape of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young fighting backstage at the Filmore East, a real mpeg movie clip of Britney Spears nekkid, Jeff Beck’s tennis shoes, 5000 Captain Crunch proof of purchase slips, and an autographed picture of Eutychus spanking Coldfire…OR I will eat Mitzi.

You have been warned.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAA

chuckle snort

BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

gasp, wheeze

And before you attempt to utilize your newly disclosed superpowers to organize a rescue attempt, you must be warned that I am safely hidden away in my newly-built Hidden Fortress. I bid you, adieu.

2

No.

Put your leash back on this instant Mister!

Or, no chew bones after walkies.

And get down off that sofa, dammit. You know you’re not allowed on the furniture.

if you’re good, we’ll buy you your very own fire hydrant. :slight_smile:

3

Evil Space Dinosaur? Oh… I’m so scared. :rolleyes:

Look, if we can prevent Barney from taking over planet Earth, I hardly think another evil dinosaur is going to give us problems.

strolls up to “hidden” fortress

rings doorbell

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza!”

door opens

fires dinosaur disintegration ray

rescues kitten

[/threat to humanity]

4

Everything you want is placed right in front of this picket fence at night.

Come and get some, I mean it.

5

No Zebra! We MUST not reward hostility (even though I would’nt mind seeing that picture of Eutychus spanking Coldfire meyeslf).

Inky inky ink-power!

(Sprays stream of ink in Slortar’s eyes).

6

Inky Ah hah, I scoff at your puny ink. I, the Evil Space Dinosaur, have inured myself to such ploys by snorking hot tar up my nose (It’s true, Zebra says so). Just for that I devour you. Goodbye.

Zebra I will send a minion. Luckily, I have ninjas to do that sort of thing for me.

mrblue92 Oh no, you have just disintegrated my butler. Laughs in sardonic glee as mrblue fails to notice the ticking kitty-cat and explodes in a small mushroom cloud

7

Good thing I was wearing my bomb-proof longjohns and peril-sensitive sunglasses.

(You had an evil space dinosaur butler?)

Guess I’ll have to pull out my new superpower and materialize 92 tons of sapphires inside slortar’s tiny brain cavity. Pity.

his head explodes

Oooh, look at all the pretty sparkly gemstones!

Great, now we’ll just grind up this nasty old carcass and make burger that we can sell to public schools… That’s right, kiddies. You know that “Casserole Surprise” they served on Friday? Evil dinosaur named slortar.

:wink:

8

Clearly this is no ordinary evil space dinosaur…

Ralf approaches the door, taking care to avoid the misc. bits of Mr. Blue on the sidewalk, and sidestepping Inky’s shoes and feet. (Slortar, have your dentist check that overbite, OK?) He rings the bell, and the door opens.

Ralf, checking clip board: “Mr. Snorter? Oh, sorry - Slortar. We need more toner in the printer at the shop, I think. I have a delivery here for you. It says there’s a bunch of lard, some silly string, and this here video tape. There’s some other stuff on backorder, though. Lessee… used tennis shoes, some breakfast cereal, and pictures of naked people. They’re coming in another shipment. No, I don’t want to know what you’ll do with it - none of my business. Besides, your neighbor in the cave next door is worse. I delivered a truck load of live mice there last week. Good thing you got this cute little cat! Please sign here. Where you want this stuff?”.

Ralf passes the clipboard to Slortar cautiously.

Slortar: Tucks Mitzi under one forearm, takes clipboard and the tiny little pen, and tries to write with his huge, non-opposing claws. He fails, and growls his frustration.

Ralf slyly spills some lard at Slortar’s feet, then catches Mitzi’s eye with a little fuzzy mouse. When Mitzi is interested enough, Ralf throws the mouse down the sidewalk and out the gate. Mitzi (who still has a full complement of needle-sharp kitten claws) scratches frantically until she breaks free, and zooms off after the mouse. Slortar tries to catch her, but slips and falls on the lard. Ralf slams the door shut, and makes tracks after the kitten.

Score: One kitten saved, one lizard larded, and one Ralf rewarded by the adoring crowd.

9

Excellent. I have my demands fulfilled and I’m only out one kitten, one butler, and an extraneous head (Slortars don’t think with their heads, silly human).

This crime thing is paying off rather well.

10

<slortar, anxious to overlook his spoils, opens up the box delivered by RalfCoder>

…

<Jester pops out of box, wielding super-mega-bomb-of-ultimate-destruct>

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

<goes to push button, but stops>

Wait…that catch phrase sucked. Can I try again? Thanks.

<goes back into box again>
<pops out>

Special delivery.

No…that was too predictable…

<goes in>
<pops out>

Ha! I thought of it! Wait…hold on…I dropped the super-mega-bomb-of-ultimate-destruct. Let me go look for it.

<goes back into box, roots around for a little while>
<pops back out>

Ha! Found it! And now, the catch phrase to be remembered by!

<ahem>

Where’s the BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF…

<jumps onto slortar’s head using mega-hyper-moon-boots, shoves super-mega-bomb-of-ultimate-destruct into slortar’s throat, and runs like the bloody dickens.>

<KA-BLAMMO!>

And the day is saved once again! Booyah!

Oh, and…<extreme close-up of Jester’s face> Remember, kids. Crime doesn’t pay.
<fade to black>

11

…and then suddenly, a glowing blue whirlpool opens up. A familiar-looking dinosaur jumps out, and leaps across the room, reaches out a spindly be-clawed arm, roots around in Slortar’s throat, removes the bomb and jumps back into the whirlpool, returning the parallel dimension from whence he came, a dimension ruled by squirrels and the French. The bomb, so cleverly devised by Jester eventually becomes instrumental in destroying Napoleon XIII’s dastardly reign of terror and ending the Century of Cheese. Billions upon untold billions throughout history cheer Jester’s altruism. But that is another story.

Before Jester can make his dashing announcement to the nation’s youth, Slortar presses a button and the betasseled crimefighter is attacked by several hundred ninjas.*

  • They were on sale at Walmart last week–12 for a dollar. I recommend them. Nobody sells discount ninjas like Walmart does.
12

<Jester pops out of box, wielding super-mega-bomb-of-ultimate-destruct>

Ralfcoder: :eek: Wha??? You…you…you told me that was pink silly string!! I took a shortcut on a bumpy road to get here!!! I coulda been killed!!! Well, you can just take care of this evil space ninja dinosaur thingy yourself!

::Ralf stomps off in a huff::

13

ultrafilter arrives on the scene. He realizes that most people think his filtering powers are useless, but they forget–blood cells are large particles in a fluid medium! Sneaking up on slortar, he grabs him from behind and begins the filtering process. slortar begins thrashing about wildly, but ultrafilter holds on. As time goes on, slortar’s thrashes grow weaker and weaker, and eventually stop altogether. The day is saved.

14

Ha! It is obvious from this statement that evil has no concept of shopping around. For you see, dear space dinosaur, I came prepared!

<Jester snaps his fingers as tuckloads of ninjas come up the road. Ninjas parachute from airplanes flying above. Ninjas arrive at slortar’s private harbor and rush to Jester’s aid. Thousands of ninjas, all fighting for the cause of good, swarm over the evil army>

God bless Sam’s Club.

And now, slortar, you have no leverage. The kitten has been rescued. Your goods are not going to be delivered. All of your blood cells have been drained.

Are you going to come quietly, or must I brandish the Sawed-Off-Pool-Cue-o-Justice[sup]tm[/sup] upside your head?

15

came to get your stuff they failed to notice that standing right next to the picket fence at night was…
Zebra!

and after I gave him a sound thrashing and sent them to bed without supper I took his uniform and brought the items back to your lair.

You have also failed to notice Zebra! sneaking up behind you and now it is too late as Zebra! uses his secret power that you did not know about and therefore have no defence.

[Zebra whips out Karaoke machine]

I’m on the
Top of the World
lookin
Down on Creation
and the only explaination I can find

Slotar writhes in agony and then commits suicide as it is the only escape from Zebra’s! singing.

16

…but alas, all Ultrafilter has done was to purify Slortar’s bloodstream, for the blood flowing through a Space Dinosaur’s veins is not the substance so familiar to Earth Men, it is pure piss and vinegar (and in Slortar’s case a strange cocktail of prozac, methamphetines and bleach). Newly rejuvenated, Slortar rises to his mighty full stature of, um, 5’9" and roars defiance at the sky. Or would, if weren’t being drowned out by Zebra’s villainous karaoke machine.

Plugging his ears, he wades over the massive piles of fumbling Sam’s Club ninjas and desperately attempts to find the off button.

“NOOO!!! NOO!!! DAAAAMMMNN YOU…KLINGON…BASTARDS…KILLED…MY…SOO–”

“Er. Wait. Oh, hell. Where’s the off switch, here?”

Squinting at the controls and evading another feeble attack from Leachboy, er sorry, Ultrafilter, he stabs randomly at one of the buttons.

Insteadly, pyrotechnics light and a large glittery ball descends from the ceiling and everything devolves into…

Slortar’s Ninja Disco Dance Inferno

“You may have my kitten, but I still have the Funk. Dig?”