I’m fine as frog hair!
“Better than some, not as good as others.”
I used to work with a guy that would greet me with “Yo, how’s it hangin’?” I’d respond with a rather generous assessment of how low my penis dangles.
Try screaming “WHY!? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME?”
Garanteed, they won’t ask again. Problem solved!
I usually say “solid.”
I’ve been known to say “Peachy keen, jelly bean.” but now I’m going to have to borrow “Hunky dory, morning glory.” too.
I guy I know plays back ‘How are you?’ with ‘I’m fine, thanks’, but ‘How’s your wife?’ invariably elicits the response ‘Better than self-abuse’.
My latest response is “I’m livin’ the dream.” which I blantantly ripped off from a CBP guy at O’Hare immigration. It made me laugh out loud after an 18 hour trip in coach…
Yeah, it makes people guffaw, grin or at least shake their head smirking. It works well for what I’m aiming for!
I think you should come up with random responses that SOUND like they mean something, but don’t really mean anything at all. Like:
How are you?
Californication, baby!
How’s it going?
Going! Gone! Enron!
“All right so far, but there’s still time for everything to go horribly wrong.”
A woman where I used to work would say “I’m blessed!” in a voice that I swear rattled windows a block away.
How I respond depends on who’s asking and what kind of mood I’m in. With friends I’m likely to give a semi-serious answer if they haven’t seen me in a while.
I have responded to a woman saying “Have a good one” with “Honey, I’ve got a great one.”
“I’m here”
Lots of possible implications and ways to say it.
I don’t scream it but use the similar “Why, what have you heard?” while eyeing them suspiciously.
“Not too bad, considering…” if I am in an upbeat mood.
“Hanging on in quiet desperation” if I am feeling poetic.
Depending on my mood:
“Rockin’ like Dokken”
“Oh, you know… kicking ass, taking names, as usual. You?”
“Not dead yet, so… there’s that.”
“Dressed and awake…”
or
“Vertical and ventilating…” If the mark doesn’t look like they’d understand, I’ll substitute “Upright and breathing…”
“I’m so happy I can hardly stand myself”.
I have a friend that responds to “How are you?” with “Glad to be here!” and my own personal favorite is “I’m more like I am now than I was before.”