So, does it get any easier in a relationship?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

We’ve been together 7 years, now, and this last week has just been particularly trying.

I’ve been working until 2am almost all week, and almost the entire month. I can’t help it, when it’s crunch time, it’s crunch time. No time to meet for lunch, even.

So early this week, when she suggests that we go for a holiday, I say sure! She can only make it this particular week in August, so I say we’ll do it that week then. When I get back to the office, I realise that I actually have a super important week long meeting, which had been scheduled earlier, but I completely forgot about. Damn.

So the next day, during conversation, I bring up the fact that actually, I can’t make it during that week, I had this prior meeting which I forgot about. She gets furious, and starts scolding me for being completely harebrained. Fine, that was really my fault, profuse apologies follow. Then she ends off with “and maybe you could handle things better if you were by yourself”.

Yesterday, we attempted to meet for lunch - I thought I could do it, since my bosses were out on a meeting. But as soon as we sat down and ordered, my phone rang - my boss needed some urgent work to be done, and if it weren’t done, we’d lose a client. I sit there for a while thinking about how to tell her, and she asks why I didn’t explain that I had a lunch appointment and if I could go back to the office half an hour later.

I try to explain that it’s really urgent and that we could lose a client, but she cuts me off and asks if I need to go back to the office, and if I do, that we should cancel our order now. So we did. My mistake - I didn’t apologise and explain at that point, but as soon as lunch hour is over (and she’s back in her office) I IM her and tell her the situation, and apologise profusely, but her answer is “so what”. And then she says “if you can’t balance your work and life better than that maybe you’re better off alone. I’ve never seen someone with such low EQ.”

So, today. Today, after work (I got off early for once), I went to buy some pastries as a peace offering and go over to her place. I arrive just as she was eating dinner, and she told me to go away and let her eat her dinner in peace. Well, fine, so I stood in her balcony and watched the sun set as she ate. By this time, I was feeling a bit angry myself, but hey, it was my fault, right?

So we get to talking. I fall over myself apologising for yesterday. She says that she doesn’t care why I had to leave, I should at least have had the courtesy to smooth over things and not sit there like a stunned cow before she asked if I had to go. I admit, I probably did look like a stunned cow, because I was going “shitshitshitshit how am I going to tell her that I need to call off lunch”.

By this time, I was getting a bit annoyed myself, so I said well, I notice you never asked what was wrong, either. If a friend was called back to the office during lunch, you’d at least ask what was wrong, sympathise a little, and not chew him or her out, right? And she goes well then, how are you making it up to me? Will you be free tomorrow night? Did you plan anything? And I say no, I’ve been working til 2am every night, and even I can’t tell when I’ll be free for dinner plans 3 days in advance, I haven’t had 7 hours of sleep a night since 2 months ago, cut me some slack here. She doesn’t see why it isn’t my responsibility to plan something special, since I was the one who stood her up yesterday.

And the subject moves on to the engagement ring. Now, I’ve only really been working for 2 months, and although my pay is sufficiently high to be able to get quite a nice ring, I don’t have a credit card yet. I’ve applied for one, though. And I need 3 month’s salary if I want to get a really nice ring, the one that she wants, so it’s not like I can just pop into a store and get one on the spot. The credit card application is in, but they’re still processing it.

So we go over this “you promised to propose before August” “No, I said by August, meaning by the end of August” “I’ve already told you, I don’t want to wait any more” “well, I don’t have the cash, and I don’t have the card yet, there’s nothing I can do” “maybe I should dump you and find someone else, then”
Now, I know she’s in the habit of making these threats when she’s angry. I don’t know if she actually means it, but damn it hurts even if she doesn’t. It’s shit like this that makes me really reconsider if I want to spend the rest of my life with her, if we have to go through this twice every month… I don’t know if I could take it.

Please tell me it gets better because I can’t take too much more of this.

2

Other than habit, why are you guys together?

3

Yeah, I don’t get it. You guys don’t seem well matched. You don’t seem very organized, and maybe overcommitting to work, she seems grudgy and termpermental… not to mention rather shallow and aquisative in her demand for an engagement ring (it’s got to be the right one or nothing? WTF kind of woman demands a man go into debt for her?)

The combination just seems toxic. You’re each bundle of unmet needs. It’s not the right time for you guys to think marriage unless you can really lay your issues on the table and work together as a team to solve them.

4

Someone who resorts to childish threats such as the ones you have shown her making should be shown the door posthaste. That alone would have made me leave, but then I hate people.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be flippant about your situation. It sounds like this has been going on for some time, and you two don’t seem well matched. How was your relationship at the beginning? Did it degrade or was it always like this?

5

Hoping that marriage puts an end to your problems seems like a terrible idea.

I can also see why she thinks that you are choosing work over her. Sure your meetings, late nights, etc. may be “very important”, but the world doesn’t end if you miss them, nor will your company go out of business. At some point, if you want to make this work, you need give her a sign that she is more important to you than work.

Whether it is worth making it work is an entirely different question.

6

How old are you guys? Is your career something that is vitally important in defining who you are? Is it something that makes a significant contribution to the world, so you can at least say you’re making a difference with your impossibly long hours?

The reason she didn’t sympathize with your sudden call away from lunch is because leaving her in the lurch has become a habit. She wants to spend time with you. You say you do, but you keep making choices that put her second to your work. That’s not a bad thing, but you need to be honest with both yourself and her as to what your priorities are.

The one thing that really bothers me about her behavior is her insistence on a marriage proposal by a certain time and on an engagement ring that costs three months’ salary. Even the diamond industry only asks for two months of your money, which I think is highway robbery for something that won’t appreciate and can’t even recoup half its cost on resale.

Three months salary is what you should have in savings for when one of you comes down with the gruesome crud. Three months salary is a luxurious vacation in an exotic location. Three months salary is a sizeable chunk of a down payment on your house. Under no circumstances should you put a purchase of that size on a credit card. Pay for it in cash, or don’t buy it at all.

Unless you can come up with some compelling reason why you want to be with her and she wants to be with you, it’s time to call it quits.

7

Okay, I think I need to clarify - she isn’t always like this. When it’s good, it’s really good - we wouldn’t be together for so long if it weren’t. But when the bad days come around, it gets really hard to remember the good days, or to even look forward to them.

I honestly think she doesn’t really mean what she’s saying. And if we did break up, we’d still pine for each other - we had a brief period of separation last year, and it was HELL on me. And we obviously got back together.

But do couple ever settle into “maintenance” mode, or is it just us? I’m sure other couples fight as well, and I’m sure I’d annoy any other woman just as much. I guess what I’m asking is, is this normal? Or is she colouring every woman I meet, such that I imagine them to blow up infrequently like she does? Or is it just me? I know I’m definitely not perfect, and am part of the problem, even if I don’t exactly know how to solve it…

8

If by “maintenance” mode you mean that there comes a point where she’s happy to play second fiddle to your job while you keep saying she’s the most important thing in your life, no.

In order to get to a point where you can communicate to her and to your boss properly, and where she doesn’t make demands like those, each of you needs to grow up.

And if your company is going to lose a client because some work can’t wait one hour, then there is a management problem.

The only worse idea I can think of relationship-wise is hoping that a baby will put an end to your problems.

9

We’re both 25.

I’m actually a lawyer, and the phone call (which was the first time it had ever happened!) was about a client’s case quite literally getting thrown out of court. Hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted. The office doesn’t make it a habit of calling me back from lunch, but then long hours are pretty much expected.
And the ring, well, she’s not insisting. But I do know it’s something which is important to her, and I don’t want to do things in half measures - I could get something off the internet right now, I have the cash for that, but that’s not what she’d want. And I’m not sure that’s something I’d be happy with getting her, either. And I can do it by the end of August, guaranteed. But she’s… antsy about it. I guess partly because she’s not getting any younger, but also because all her peers are getting married now, and we’ve been together for far longer than we ought to be dating…

10

The answer to your question may come from what you didn’t post—what the seven years have been like leading up to this.

I recently dated a woman, and I really liked her. However, she’s a businesswoman and it became clear pretty quickly that there would be times she’d have to drop everything and go put out a fire at work. I can imagine people initially buying into a relationship with such a person, but over a course of seven years, reaching the limit.

What did she buy into when you started dating? Has that changed? Are you willing or able to make any changes to accomodate her? JMO but people are more important than jobs and if you’ve managed to make it last this long, there must be something pretty good there. So what’s it worth to you? To her?

11

You’ve been together since you were 18. You’ve never tried a real relationship with anyone else. You think you would be miserable without her because that’s all you know. My relationship is 99% a breeze and we are both very happy and accommodating of each other. There were no demands or deadlines for special engagement rings. I think you are in for a world of hurt in the long run if you don’t find someone more compatible.

12

Ouch, that hurt. But yeah, I can see why you say that. And I’m not sure if it isn’t true…

Now, I don’t work til 2am every day, but because of the circumstances of this particular case I’ve had to - generally hours are usually more reasonable. But still, I can’t believe people get to dictate their working hours. If there’s work to be done, and it’s urgent, then there’s work to be done. There’s the whole “men put bread on the table” thing, and unless I quit and work outside the industry, occasional stretches of late nights are pretty much to be expected.

When she has late nights, I don’t get angry. I used to drive down and pick her up after work, send her home, that sort of thing. I understood that she didn’t have time for herself, even, and tried to fit into the spaces where I could, not demand that she get off work earlier so we could go places. Is it unreasonable for me to ask the same of her?

Maybe it’s just different priorities. I believe in fitting in around people’s schedules, so I try to fit around her’s and wonder why she’s not doing the same for me, whereas she believes in making time. But I just can’t! Maybe it’s my being too junior, but I’ve never heard of anyone below senior management getting to dictate what time they go off, especially if your bosses are still in the office.

13

If you’ve been together for 7 years? This is it. This is how it is going to be for the rest of the time you are together. Things do not magically change once you give her an engagement ring, or a wedding ring. There is no “maintenance mode.” She’s going to be the same person after a wedding as she was before.

If you think you’ll be happy without changing anything as it is right now, then go ahead with the marriage plans. If you think happiness will occur if she’ll change just a little – run, boy, run. Or at least, keep dating.

You should not be pressured to do what her friends are doing. You should not be pressured by the fact that you have spent seven years with her. And you should probably seek couples counseling before proceeding to marriage, 'cause that passive-aggressive crap of hers has to stop.

14

Are the “bad times” tied to your work schedule? If you were working an ideal 9-5, making the same amount of money that you make now, would there still be similar arguments?

She’s probably feeling a bit neglected because you’re not spending as much time as she would like. She may be under the impression that you’re working so much to get away from her. I know I’m not as understanding with a loved one “blowing me off” as I would be with a friend. Sometimes chicks take things personally that they really shouldn’t.

If you keep up your current work schedule, things probably won’t get better. If you get married and continue the current schedule, things will probably get worse.

She should realize that if she is insisting on an engagement ring worth 3-months’ salary, that you need to work to pay that off.

ETA I’m not trying to assign blame to either side. I agree that you may want to re-evaluate things prior to engagement.

15

This. I’ve been married for 11 years, and lemme tell you - life throws some nasty nasty things your way. You want someone who has your back, you want to be a team. This type of emotional rollercoaster may be exciting, but it’s a recipe for disaster.

The two of you need to sit down and honestly assess your needs in this relationship, as well as what you can give. And no “saying what each other wants to hear” garbage either. If you’re going to be working 100-hour weeks for the next 3 years, you need to accept it yourself and tell her.

Life doesn’t conform to what you’d like it to be, life is, and if you want to be happy long term, you need to look it in the face. It’s scary as hell, but part of being an adult.

16

Draft a pre-nuptual greement, and force her to sign it!
That oughtta fix your problems! :smack:

17

I chose to work out problems rather than break up because we’d been together for 4 years.
Then I chose to work out the same problems rather than break up because we’d been together for 7 years.
Then I chose to work out the same problems rather than divorce because we’d been together for 22 years, married for 12.
I filed for a divorce 2 months ago, 26 years after I got involved with her.

Had I understood that she wasn’t going to change I would have looked at the first 4 years as an investment in education and dumped her cheating ass when I was 19 and I would have given myself 22 years of life, most of which would have been dedicated to someone worthy of me. Brother lemme tell you, time spent does NOT obligate you to try one more day.

Your girl sounds like a bitch, and you sound like you’re making excuses for her because you feel guilty that you’re a whore to your job. Nava nailed it that you’re both part of the problem. It’s not an insurmountable problem: for your own sake you need to learn to balance work vs. life. I assume you’re a lawyer because you like the money, but the money won’t do you a lick of good if you don’t get to spend it on ways to enhance your life. Work to live, don’t live to work. And your girl needs to quit nagging you and either just say what in the hell is on her mind or dump you and find someone who will treat her the way she wants to be treated. Nobody wants to be second fiddle to someone else’s career, and nobody wants to deal with a needy bitch with entitlement issues. If she’s pushing for her ring now, even though you’re not in aposition to do it financially, she’ll always be pushing you around. Dude, grab you balls and run before she grinds them into cake flour.

18

She wants out, and is using your work as a convenient excuse that will make it all your fault.

19

It sounds like you’ve been working until 2 a.m. quite frequently - not every once in a while. And so far, there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. So in your fiance’s defense, I’d be pissed, too. Especially if you were making promises and breaking them. Plus, it doesn’t sound as though you compromise much - you let work run your schedule. Are you an associate or something? Back when I worked marketing for a law firm, I seem to recall that they had resident’s hours (you know, like med students making the rounds).

That said, this is the first you’ve mentioned that she’s not working around your schedule, but I have to disagree - it sounds like she has been for quite some time. Is there some other way that she’s not? What are your expectations of her? Have you told her clearly?

Also, do you work for senior management (i.e., partners) or the Of Counsel guys? Do you think that you’re perceiving that you don’t have a choice or do you really not have a choice? And I get that law involves a lot of slogging through research, but unless you have overseas clients, is it totally unreasonable to expect that you’d at least get to go home around 7 or 8 if you get in early (around 7)?

And with respect to “If there’s work to be done and it’s urgent…”, I find that kind of silly unless you’re in a true life or death field, like a fireman or a doctor/other healthcare professional. I also work in an extremely demanding field with ridiculously demanding clients and the federal government. Sometimes I have to work late; sometimes I have to work at home. Everything I do is technically considered urgent, but you also have to manage your priorities so you don’t get burnt out. Of course, that’s easy for me to say since I’m not you.

Edited to add that I also think that’s crappy for her to expect a ring. It’s up to you to make that decision, not to her to demand it.

20

Possibly, but my impression is that she’s trying to provoke a reaction. She’s testing you to see if you value her as much as you value your job.

Do you forsee your work schedule changing much in both the short and long terms?