Personally, I don’t stay in relationships where my SO hurts me and fails to apologize and set things right. You need to man up and explain to your GF that her passive-aggressive talk is affecting you. You need to explain to her what you’ve been telling us. If you do all that and things haven’t changed, then you need to end this relationship.
You need to do some maturing too. You mention you apologize profusely to your GF, but what have you done to correct the situation?
The Dope is a good start though. Welcome!
I’d put the engagement on hold and get into some serious discussion (facilitated or not) about exactly what she thinks lawyers do, what your priorities are for the next year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.
You are 25 years old. Building a successful career is going to be demanding (I am not a lawyer, but I think my assumption is probably accurate).
You do NOT want to move forward with the engagement until you get this stuff ironed out. It’s not going to iron itself. Good luck.
I was with her 'til the ring. If it’s so important to her to have something expensive then she’s going to have to understand that it takes money, money you need to make by working long hours. Unless she finds herself a rich heir, she can’t really have it both ways. And you definitely don’t want to bring a kid into the equation, if that’s something you’re planning.
In my experience (working for attorneys), if he’s 25, he is a brand new attorney/associate that still has years of dues paying to do in terms of insanely long hours. The senior attorneys will pass on the crap jobs to him. I have worked with/for attorneys who put in 14 hour days often.
I will echo other posters who say paying three months salary for an engagement ring is completely nuts, especially when things are as rocky as they seem.
Will it get easier? I, like Inigo Montoya, stayed in my marriage for WAY longer than I should have. I’d still be married if it had been up to me because I think problems should be worked out, but my ex asked for the divorce. I ended up being with someone for 19 years who I now wish I had never met. And it NEVER got easier. That relationship was nothing but work.
I would reiterate the point made earlier -
This is it. The relationship you’re currently having is what it is like. .
Why do you want to be with her? What is it that makes this THE relationship?
I don’t see the work situation changing much unless I quit, really… the reason why we were (meaning I, 2 other junior associates, a senior associate, and a partner) were working so late was because of preparations for trial. If you don’t get the right documents done in time, you lose. And that’s about it. So no, it’s not life and death, but it’s also not my call to make as to what time I get to leave - there’s court deadlines to meet.
Thing is, I quite like being a lawyer, and it’s not just about the pay. But I do agree we need to sit down and talk about what my job expectations are and how things are going to be like moving forward…
I don’t know how on earth I’m going to bring up “passive aggressive”, though. And does changing partners really make a difference, or is it just going to be the same song with different words? She’s not batshit crazy or insufferable, we just have rough patches, is all…
Oops.
Forgot to add ‘Welcome to the Dope’
I like what phouka said - she’s pissed because you make a habit of it. Now, it’s up to you and her if that’s The Issue - it’s a big deal to me, and we fight about it occasionally for similar stuff, and he tries to do better but he does own two businesses, and I try to make allowances.
Obviously, we’re only seeing your side. But seven years? By year seven I think you’ve gotten the pattern you’re going to get. The proposal ultimatum I can see both ways - she’s thinking, are you going to shit or are you going to get off the pot? Are you invested enough to commit? But it sounds from the outside that she’s one of Those Women.
If you’re not happy with your relationship, good and bad, after seven years of the same thing (no sudden changes, this is just the regular) then you’re not happy with your relationship. I assumed from the title that this was, like, the one year mark, or six months, or something.
I mean, Himself and I have been together for three, and we’ve reached a maintenance stage. Sometimes we have our little spats but we’re generally quite stable (although I do wish he wanted to get married.) We certainly don’t stay mad like you guys do.
I’m curious how she felt about your hours during law school, and how expectations were managed about associate life. Have you ever mislead her about your work commitments, or regularly downplayed them because that’s what she wants to hear? Do you frequently promise her time and then break that promise? If yes, are these promises unrealistic to begin with?
What does she know about the legal profession? If you chose a lower-paying job with fewer hours, would she support that? Even if you could no longer afford the “ring of her dreams,” expensive trips, or the best cars? Would you honestly even consider that?
As others have said, these problems don’t fix themselves. You are going to have a real heart to heart about the issues in your relationship. As a wise person once said, “money issues” are never about money, they’re about values. Do you think you really share fundamental values?
[QUOTE=Vulnerant Omnes]
We’re both 25.
And the ring, well, she’s not insisting…But she’s… antsy about it. I guess partly because she’s not getting any younger, but also because all her peers are getting married now, and we’ve been together for far longer than we ought to be dating…
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I don’t have much to add to the other good advice you’re getting, but I just wanted to point out that 25 is hardly old maid territory. Getting married just because you’ve been together a long time and all her friends are doing it is NOT a good reason. But I do agree that you’ve probably come to a point where you guys need to either shit or get off the pot, so to speak.
You need to read a book I just recently read myself; “How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It” by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. You and your girlfriend are coming from two completely different places, and you are both judging the other by your OWN set of priorities. The work thing is an excellent example of this; as a man*, you are much more emotionally invested in being successful at work (the protector-provider dynamic); you transfer this importance to your girlfriend’s work, and you have no problem making allowances for her work taking some of her time from you.
As a woman*, her identity is more tied to her relationships than her job, so she resents every time you seem to put your work ahead of spending time with her, and doesn’t care much that you make allowances for her work; her work doesn’t have the same importance in her life as yours does. You know you love her and are working in large part to make a life with her, but she sees your work as competing with her.
She does need to stop talking about breaking up every time she’s upset with you, though; that’s not helping anyone. I suspect it is because she is so intensely frustrated with you not fulfilling her needs for security and stability that she doesn’t know what else to do about it.
*Gender generalizations, of course, but I’m not seeing anything in this thread that indicates these generalizations are not accurate here.
[QUOTE=Hello Again]
Do you frequently promise her time and then break that promise? If yes, are these promises unrealistic to begin with?
[/QUOTE]
That’s an excellent question. From my reading of the OP, not only is the answer to that Yes, but he’s also avoiding telling her when he has to break his promises. It sounds like he’s bending over backwards to tell her something – anything – to appease her, and doing what he can to avoid her wrath. (And thus, making her wrath all the worse.)
It does not get better. Or easier. Not from where you are, the basics are off kilter.
Run away. Or you will both be increasingly miserable.
You will (come to) resent the fact that she clearly doesn’t understand that you have to put in a lot of effort to put bread on the table/buy her nice things. You will (come to) resent the need to constantly apologize You will get tired as hell of her passive agressive bs.
She will resent ever more your commitment to your work, and your very real inability to manage around its demands (“forgetting” a very important week-long meeting?) She will be upset at your decreasingly gracious apologies.
And waiting on her balcony till she finished her dinner makes her a bitch and you a doormat. Very few people enjoy being either, so if that’s what you bring out in each other, you are screwed.
I’ve been exactly there. I didn’t listen any more than you likely will. I wish I had.
[QUOTE=Nava]
The only worse idea I can think of relationship-wise is hoping that a baby will put an end to your problems.
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Yeah, you should try for twins. With both arms tied and two squalling, pooping, screaming babies, she won’t even notice that you’re gone, and the next fifteen years or so will blast by like a bad dream before you decide to trade up to a model with fewer dings and that doesn’t screech every time you turn the wheel.
Stranger
Up untill the ring, I was with your fiance. Hell, I am in the very same situation as your fiance, and my response to my husband’s long hours is about the same as her response to you. And FYI: the problem has gotten much, much worse since we have a baby. Having a baby requires that you operate as a team. In the fifties a guy could get away with being the one who hands in the paycheck, but times have changed. If you pull this same crap when you two have a baby, and you phone her to say “Gee, honey, I’m sorry but there was this thing with an important client and I can’t pick up the little one from daycare like I promised to”,.. Well, prepare yourself to come home and find your collection of baseball cards put through the shredder.
I sit here fuming as I’m writing this, and I have to say I even start to sympathise with your fiance about her request for a ring. Diamond engagement rings are silly. Their only real value is as a symbol, and it is the couple that gives the ring that value. Ideally, that value is about the guy showing the woman he loves her, and wants to make an effort. Effort to earn money, effort in finding out her wishes. It doesn’t really matter if those wishes are for shiny stones, or for sensible downpayments, or for romantic stuff around the ring. It is a symbol of how the man* likes* pleasing the woman, how he gets a warm fuzzy feeling thinking about how her face will light up with pleasure.
In your case, the ring is also a symbol, and what it is a symbol of isn’t hopeful. The ring is a symbol of promises so often postponed, they might as well be broken. A symbol of something that should have been romantic, and that has become about doggedly trying to balance demands. One more thing on your to-do and to pay for list. A list that is already too long.
For your fiance, the ring also has become a corrupted symbol. A symbol of that she won’t get what she wants because you want to give it to her, but that she has to nag and manipulate to get what she wants. I think the ring has lost most of its meaning even to her, by now. The only value the ring has left is that she can show her friends. And that she knows she has nagging power over you.
[QUOTE=Vulnerant Omnes]
If you don’t get the right documents done in time, you lose. And that’s about it. So no, it’s not life and death, but it’s also not my call to make as to what time I get to leave - there’s court deadlines to meet..
[/QUOTE]
That is short sighted bullshit. If you honestly believe that, you are a dunce and a push-over for your boss. If you are only using it as an excuse, you are every bit as passive agressive as your wife, no, more. “Honey, of course I want to have lunch with you. Me sitting her will cost my firm hundreds of thousands of dollars, and it will stress me out completely, but of course I will sit here and order lunch with you if that is what you want.”
The time to balance work and home life is when your workload is planned. Your boss doesn’t care about your home life; he is going to take as many paying clients as he can get, and he will saddle you with work untill you either start protesting, or failing. Your task, if you are taking your fiance’s wishes seriously, is planning. Make an realistic estimate of how much work a caseload will be, and tell your boss you can work so much, but no more, or your private life will suffer. And stick with it.
Good luck. Or rather, good luck prioritizing. You’ll need it.
[QUOTE=Lightray]
If you’ve been together for 7 years? This is it. This is how it is going to be for the rest of the time you are together. Things do not magically change once you give her an engagement ring, or a wedding ring. There is no “maintenance mode.” She’s going to be the same person after a wedding as she was before.
[/QUOTE]
I can’t say it any better than that! (But I guess I’ll still try to add my two cents 
)
It was not until I met my current boyfriend that I had the epiphany: NOT ALL relationships have to involve strife and struggle. If you find yourself having to argue or apologize or try to “fix” things all the time, it’s possible that maybe you two have grown up in different directions and just aren’t compatible any more.
You aren’t the same person you were when you were an 18 year old kid and neither is she. Maybe it’s time to find someone else. Someone who understands and likes the person you are now. Someone who is able to understand your lifestyle.
This girl kind of sounds like an entitled princess type to me. If she was saying “Work fewer hours even if you make less money, because I just want to spend more time with you” then I’d sympathize with her just plain missing your company.
However, the combination of giving you a hard time about working so much WHILE ALSO demanding an obscenely expensive engagement ring just makes her look spoiled and selfish. It’s like it’s all about her: She wants all your attention AND all your money, and will throw a fit if she doesn’t get it.
In my view, you don’t necessarily have anything to apologize for really. It’s not like you are purposely blowing off your plans with her. Everyone knows lawyers have to work long hours frequently. I’m in the medical field myself, so I can sympathize with what it’s like to be in a profession where long hours are expected and people rely on you. “Sorry, I know I’m late for your trial/your surgery/etc. but I wanted to hang out with my girlfriend” doesn’t cut it when you’re a lawyer or a doctor. People expect more from us - our bosses included.
My boyfriend understands that there are times when I can’t spend as much time with him as I’d like. Instead of throwing a fit about it, he tries to be **sympathetic ** to the stressful times in my schedule and tries to make the most of the little time we do get together. He knows I’m not doing it to him on purpose!
A lot of times the process of breaking up is truly quite gradual, with the dumper slowly emotionally distancing him/herself from the dumpee. I suspect that she is thinking about dumping you and these little comments are her way of getting herself used to the idea before she makes it official. It’s up to you to decide if this is really what you want to deal with, or if you think you can find a more supportive partner out there.
There is no shortage of chicks out there who will be interested in a young lawyer who is making a nice income. By sheer probability some of them will be more understanding of your work situation (maybe you should look into meeting some female lawyers? 
). If I were in your position, I personally would not put up with this kind of behavior, and definitely wouldn’t propose to her!
I have to say I think she’s being unreasonable about the time you have to spend working. It sounds from your account that you spend a pretty regular amount of time working but there are times when your office is busier and during those times you put in longer hours and may be needed on-call.
In my experience, the partner who is, for lack of a better term, less committed to work responsibilities will never change his or her expectations of the other and will continue to demand time and be royally pissed off if the other partner can’t meet those demands. Late cancellations will be met by passive aggressive behavior and eventually outright confrontation. What you see now is what you will continue to get.
She’s talking about you being single? That means she’s talking about her being single. For a woman to even speak that out loud, she has to have given it serious thought. It doesn’t sound like she’s prepared to stick with you through the long haul.
If I had to guess, I would say a woman who pushes your buttons by threatening to dump you over a ring make for very vindictive ex-wives. A key question you should ask yourself when getting involved with a person is how easily you can get un-involved with them.
If I can ask, though, what’s this business about “I’ll propose by the end of August”? By the time you’ve popped the question about popping the question, aren’t you engaged by default?
[QUOTE=Maastricht]
That is short sighted bullshit. If you honestly believe that, you are a dunce and a push-over for your boss. If you are only using it as an excuse, you are every bit as passive agressive as your wife, no, more. “Honey, of course I want to have lunch with you. Me sitting her will cost my firm hundreds of thousands of dollars, and it will stress me out completely, but of course I will sit here and order lunch with you if that is what you want.”
The time to balance work and home life is when your workload is planned. Your boss doesn’t care about your home life; he is going to take as many paying clients as he can get, and he will saddle you with work untill you either start protesting, or failing. Your task, if you are taking your fiance’s wishes seriously, is planning. Make an realistic estimate of how much work a caseload will be, and tell your boss you can work so much, but no more, or your private life will suffer. And stick with it.
Good luck. Or rather, good luck prioritizing. You’ll need it.
[/QUOTE]
If he is working for a big firm, then he isn’t kidding. He has a target of billable hours that is incredibly high. In the U.S., if you don’t meet those court deadlines for things, then indeed your case is over or torpedoed to the point where you are liable for malpractice.
Vulnerant Omnes, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you have to decide which you value more, this relationship or the job. You can have one or not the other.