Wow. What a negative thread.
@Moriarty it sounds like you’re in a good headspace after your talk with her. Enjoy it and keep JohnT’s advice in mind and you’ll be fine. Don’t let these negative nellies get you down. 
i don’t perceive the thread as negative …
the brunt of it I would describe as “see if you can live with this fact, and if you cant, NOW is the time to get out - otherwise, best of luck” …
You’re right. I should have said something like “Jeez, a lot a negative responses in this thread.” The majority have been helpful along the lines you suggest. Mea culpa for the hyperbolic reaction to a few specific posts.
Even though the immediate issue is kinda resolved, and even though I had already responded to you, my friend, I realized I had misunderstood your concern(s) and didn’t fully address them.
IMHO…
The OP should have resolved his own concerns by himself prior to meeting her. He should have done this simply because
- He should know himself well enough by now to know if dating an ex sex worker is something he wants to do.
… and even more importantly…
- She does not owe him an explanation for how she lived her life.
He knows she was a sex worker, he knows what type of sw she did, there is nothing that she would add that would change his underlying issue (if they exist) with this fact… so don’t demand that she explain her actions. It’s amazingly presumptuous, imho, to ask her to justify her life to him.
The world is hard on women. Having men sit in judgment of their lives, forcing them to explain themselves, perpetuates this. Don’t do that.
Again, my $.02.
OP here again, just responding to endorse this advice.
Which I took to heart, and did, and I’m so glad I did.
For one, I’m kind of proud of myself for figuring this out on my own, before she had to tell me. I like to think that this saved her a lot of angst. It also enabled me to process my feelings (which were all over the place) privately, over a few days, without her.
By the time l did see her, I had figured out what bothered me about it (I was vulnerable to her taunting me or making me feel jealousy, which she’s says she won’t do) and what didn’t (I am not bothered by the fact that she did the things she did; she seems to have a very healthy enjoyment of sex, a real positive in my relationship).
One of the things I told her was that I didn’t see her as her stage name. In doing so, I used the actual name (which I will not be doing here, although it tracks to an IMDB page), and for 2 reasons: one, I wanted her to know that I had figured out the extent of her work (remember, I originally thought that maybe she was an escort, and I thought that maybe some random video had made it online. It wasn’t until later than I figured out she was a professional actress), but, two, I wanted her to know that I could draw a line between the person I am with and something she had once done.
In doing that, though, I also told her that I am not separating the two because she has to repudiate her past, or act like it’s something she has to explain. I can respect her choices, and I need no explanation. Sincerely, that was an easy thing for me to declare (she later mentioned the money being really good, which I figured. But I didn’t ask about her motivation - I imagine it was also a lot of fun for somebody with a healthy sense of their own body)
I really only asked her a few questions about being an adult actress: do you still make content (answer: no; if she had said yes, I’ve realized that I would have been okay with it as long as she brought me along to participate - major abandonment issues on my part); does your family know (yes) and do they talk about it (no). I also asked what she thought of those who watched it; did she judge people like myself? Fortunately the answer was no.
I suspect that, while some men may become jealous and judgmental when they find out, others may fetishize her role (I’m reminded of the story one performer told of a guy she really liked who, after she slept with him, asked for her autograph). I certainly haven’t done that: I don’t talk of her as a porn star; I truly don’t see her that way. I think I told her that I realized that those videos are “theatrical” (a nod in agreement). I also told her she could write a book (“2 other people have told me that”), but that’s the extent of our discussions of the subject.
I also found it interesting that i can’t watch her videos; I had seen the one where I identified her (and I had one seen one before, many months ago, when the thought of one day meeting her in person would have sounded insane - inspired by her, I literally did buy a lottery ticket today, and I’ve joked with her that I must have hit my head and will wake up in the hospital at any second). But that one where I identified her has already stirred enough uncomfortable feelings for me to realize I need to draw a wall, for the health of my own personal psyche, between her and those performances.
That’s not to say that sex won’t form a big part of our relationship. I think getting past this point has allowed us to become more comfortable with that type of discussion (it may have helped that I told her, in broaching her porn star career, that [sneak brag alert] I’ve had threesomes before, and had a few women who’d had lots of partners tell me I was their best ever [/sba]. Point being, everybody has a past, and I am not naive to her type of interactions; she also knows of my drug use, since I wanted to be honest with her).
So, we’ve “sexted”, in that we’ve expressed our desires for each other. She’s mentioned her vibrator. I’ve used explicit language telling her my plans. (But she doesn’t seem like the type to send naked pictures, unlike some prior girlfriends. I’m fine with that, of course; her confidence is sexy).
But at the same time I feel like this has been a sweet romance. I haven’t seen her naked (well, not in person, but again, the online imagery is something I’ve tried to put out of mind), and haven’t really gotten close to intimate sexual contact (I mean, I kind of cupped her boob when hugging her goodbye, but just for a second). Instead, the seduction has been more mental.
At one point last night - we basically just talked for a few hours - I took her hands in mine, kissed them, and just started laughing.
“If I can count tonight as a date, then we’ve been on 4 so far. And you now how much I want to have my way - “
“You want to ravish me,” she interjected with a wry smile.
“Yes! But I am having so much fun just getting to know you. I’m loving this!”
“We’ll get there,” she said, almost demurely, casting her eyes down to our interlocked hands.
“I know we will. But my favorite part of sex is afterwards when I get to hold you and we discuss things that are on our mind.”
“Pillow talk”
“Yes, pillow talk. If we had nothing to talk about, then the stuff leading up to it wouldn’t be as much fun.”
Smarmy? Obnoxious? Braggadocios ? I don’t care.
I’m falling for her, and I want to tell people about it.
okay. I read it.
Update?
(I’m somewhat off a sucker for romantic threads, possibly trying to bring back the golden age of sdmb)
She’s amazing, and I’m falling for her. We’ve been on 5 dates, and we text daily. Nothing really physical has happened (although she did wake me up one morning with some incredible naked photos) and I’m fine with it.
But we are going to the beach today (I’m not sure how cold it will feel, being in the low 70s) and I did get a hotel room for the night, so I’m excited for this weekend’s getaway.
I find this confusing. When I was young, as soon I has had enthusiastic consent and we were all clear on exactly what was being consented to I pounced. Then things changed to, as soon as I had enthusiastic consent, we were all clear on what was being consented to, and we had a mutual understanding of what it meant I would pounce. You have been on five dates and neither of you have pounced?
Eh…ISTM the OP has been cautious so maybe the three dates and then sex thing was a bit delayed. Five dates seems fine to me and the Magic 8-Ball says things are looking good. All the signs point that way.
I hope they both have a great time together.
Hmm. I can see this happening after being intimate, but it would be a red flag for me if we hadn’t yet been intimate.
Hate to say it, but I predict… problems & drama ahead. Definitely wouldn’t be someone I would pursue, but to each his own. Good luck, and I sincerely hope it works out for you.
She was in the porn industry. I’m willing to bet the OP Googled her photos. Her sending some now is her expressing interest in him. It’s not like he hasn’t seen such photos but now, the photos are for him. She likes him. That is usually a turn-on. YMMV
I should be clearer. I have never held to the three dates rule. If I could see a relationship with a woman and she wanted to wait longer than that for a reason that did not raise red flags, I would wait. If a woman I was interested gave her enthusiastic consent sooner than three dates, sexual intimacy would enuse immediately. I think this is the thread (February was a stress filled month and a lot happened. So I am not sure) where I mentioned that my long term romantic relationship with the Panamanian woman started when we met at a friend’s party- and were sexually intimate. So, I am genuinely confused by the fact that neither Moriarty or the woman in question have initiated sexual intimacy. Please note- I am very much not asking for prurient details. I just find this more puzzzling than anything devised by Rubik.
It varies. Most of the time, a woman has sent me photos or videos only after physical sexual initmacy. Some relationships have started with a woman who did not live very close to me. After many e-mails and text messages, we exchanged photos and such. I am certain I was not being catfished. In several cases, a physical meeting was arranged. As you might expect, if she gave enthusiastic consent pouncing ensued.
That’s a pretty good prediction for any relationship. But I find myself agreeing with @Whack-a-Mole on this one. Since they both have accepted that she was in porn and he has even seen videos of her work then I’d say this is normal flirting in this specific case. Myself, I would have had sex with her already, but I am sure he is gaging how to handle this himself. And good for him.
Do not introduce her to your folks.
After my late Brother’s divorce, he started dating a woman who did porn.
He wanted us to spend Xmas with her.
My Mother banned her, and him, from the house.
I’d suggest it is better to not tell your folks (or anyone) she was in porn.
It’s been more of a logistical issue than anything.
Until March 10th, when she moves into her apartment, she’s been living with her grandmother, about 30 minutes from me. So, for example, when I asked if I could pick her up for a date (instead of just meeting her out), she explained that she wasn’t able to invite me in just yet.
Two dates ago, we just had a little bit of time to meet out, and on our last date, when I asked if she’d come back to my place, she said it was a bad time of the month for her. No biggie; we went to a dive bar and played darts instead.
But when she mentioned going to the beach this weekend, and I asked if we should get a hotel room, she enthusiastically agreed. I’m waiting for her now. She’s going to come to my place and then I’m going to drive us.
And she has been sexual, at least thru text message (example “I’m going to be blunt. I can’t wait to fuck you.”). So I’m not too stressed about it; I mean, we just met February 3rd. It’s only been about a month.
(Although it does amuse me that it’s taken longer than my last 3 women)
My mom is dead. Although new gf is so easygoing and down to earth my mom would have loved her.
My dad and I haven’t spoken in about 15 years. He’d also love her, but more in a leering way (regardless of whether he knew of her past). My stepmom, however, is a mean cynical shrew, and she’d come up with some derisive nickname by the end of the night (again, regardless of whether she knew of her past).
Clearly your mother is a tiresome bluenose with severe hang-ups whose antiquated and noxious opinions should be consigned to the dustheap of history.
Agree w @Whack-a-Mole that the nude pix are normal flirting from someone from the porn industry.
Switching gears …
In the modern world it’s smart to swap STD tests before swapping crotch fluids. And to get clear about expectations of exclusivity while you are swapping said fluids. If you’re both clean, but one of you isn’t treating it as exclusive and is still mucking about with others and isn’t as scrupulous about testing as you are, the results can be … awkward.
Without muddying the water by relating my own fresh stories, this general dick-dance of confusion & awkwardness has come up in several forms for me recently.
You poor sweet men.
So…clueless.
I hope your next report is that you two had a great day together. No need for details.