Although he’s making it damned hard! A few weeks ago I came to the decision that it had to be done, and I guess I kind of ambushed him with it. So he convinced me that that was unfair, not to give him a chance. So we kind of took a break (well, I did anyway, not that I did anything about it) and he didn’t come with me to Alumnae Weekend, which is a big deal that he was going to bother to attend with me, and when I came back I guess I sort of picked a fight with him to decide one way or another and he talked me into Working On it. And I felt bad about it at the time, and I shouldn’t have agreed.
See, the thing is, he’s my best friend in all the world. I don’t know who the hell I’d watch the X-Files with if he left. He’s kind and funny and all that good stuff. The thing is, I think we’re kind of confused by modern American society, because we are shitty partners. We hardly ever have sex, mostly because I’m not interested. Only recently have I realized that it’s not really my libido, it’s more that we have zero chemistry. But, shit, I don’t want to hurt him! And here I am, 31 years old, SIX YEARS into this relationship, and I think we both deserve more! And after six years of acting like the “l” word is anathema, he’s all “I love you! Why would you throw six years down the drain without trying to work it out!”
And we did go to counseling, okay? We went one time and didn’t talk about anything important and he wouldn’t go back. Says it doesn’t work for him.
So I felt like shit about giving in last time, and I’ve been thinking about it and decided, no, that was a terrible decision. I mean, we’ve both been very nice to each other since then, granted. But that isn’t really the thing, you know? It’s the surface of the thing, but not the thing itself. I’ve been meaning to try to get on the job with the sex thing, and I keep… not. Because frankly I don’t want to. Which means I’ve gotta end this thing.
But then he texts me today to tell me two of the main people in his business, which he runs himself (actually he runs three, and these are the two people who are totally intertwined in the whole thing) are quitting. Well, shit. I can’t do it today. Except I was going to anyway, only this is evidently one of those days where he’s going to come home after I go to bed, and it’s damned hard to hold a resolution against somebody you care about over a night’s sleep, and christ this sucks.
Apologies for tipsy posting, just had to vent and get it out there incoherently so people can yell at me about what a bitch I am and etc.
ETA - bwahahaha, boyFRIEND.