So I guess I'm breaking up with my boyfiend.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Although he’s making it damned hard! A few weeks ago I came to the decision that it had to be done, and I guess I kind of ambushed him with it. So he convinced me that that was unfair, not to give him a chance. So we kind of took a break (well, I did anyway, not that I did anything about it) and he didn’t come with me to Alumnae Weekend, which is a big deal that he was going to bother to attend with me, and when I came back I guess I sort of picked a fight with him to decide one way or another and he talked me into Working On it. And I felt bad about it at the time, and I shouldn’t have agreed.

See, the thing is, he’s my best friend in all the world. I don’t know who the hell I’d watch the X-Files with if he left. He’s kind and funny and all that good stuff. The thing is, I think we’re kind of confused by modern American society, because we are shitty partners. We hardly ever have sex, mostly because I’m not interested. Only recently have I realized that it’s not really my libido, it’s more that we have zero chemistry. But, shit, I don’t want to hurt him! And here I am, 31 years old, SIX YEARS into this relationship, and I think we both deserve more! And after six years of acting like the “l” word is anathema, he’s all “I love you! Why would you throw six years down the drain without trying to work it out!”

And we did go to counseling, okay? We went one time and didn’t talk about anything important and he wouldn’t go back. Says it doesn’t work for him.

So I felt like shit about giving in last time, and I’ve been thinking about it and decided, no, that was a terrible decision. I mean, we’ve both been very nice to each other since then, granted. But that isn’t really the thing, you know? It’s the surface of the thing, but not the thing itself. I’ve been meaning to try to get on the job with the sex thing, and I keep… not. Because frankly I don’t want to. Which means I’ve gotta end this thing.

But then he texts me today to tell me two of the main people in his business, which he runs himself (actually he runs three, and these are the two people who are totally intertwined in the whole thing) are quitting. Well, shit. I can’t do it today. Except I was going to anyway, only this is evidently one of those days where he’s going to come home after I go to bed, and it’s damned hard to hold a resolution against somebody you care about over a night’s sleep, and christ this sucks.

Apologies for tipsy posting, just had to vent and get it out there incoherently so people can yell at me about what a bitch I am and etc.

ETA - bwahahaha, boyFRIEND.

2

I was wondering whether boyfiend was a funny, a typo or a Freudian Slip.

I’m sorry your relationship isn’t working out. Although not particularly surprised.

I don’t think you are a horrible person–and actually, although I think your boyfiend would make me nuts, I don’t think he is a horrible person either.

Six years is a long time to invest in a relationship, yes, but sometimes investing more isn’t better.

Best wishes for your future.

And hugs for your immediate future.

3

You are not a bitch. You do, however, need to break it off ASAP. I know it’s complicated, he’s your best friend, and the timing is bad, etc. but there will never be a good time. Dragging it out further will only make things worse.

Rip off the band-aid.

Breaking up with someone you really like sucks because there is no “he’s so terrible because…” . I’m sorry. It’s going to hurt but do what’s best for both of you.

4

I was semi-okay with it even with his friends quitting on him and everything, but now I seriously doubt he’ll be home anytime soon and even if he is I suspect he’ll have been drinking and you can’t break it to a guy like that. So I’ll spend another night sleeping next to him and spend all day tomorrow at work agonizing over it, which SUCKS.

5

I don’t think you are a bitch. You have made up your mind and you are being considerate about how and when you are going to do it. It will be hard for both of you, but you will make it through.

Who gets the X-Files collection? :smiley:

6

Is this the one who told you a long time ago that he wasn’t planning on marrying you ever because of some religion thing even though he’s as non-practicing as you are atheist/agnostic?

If so, I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about his feelings.

7

Oh, come on, you know it’s more complicated than that.

ETA - however, yes, that was me.

ETAA - Netflix Watch Instantly does, duh!

8

QFT. I have many friends whose relationships dragged on far longer than they should have because they were looking for “a good time” to break up.

9

I honestly don’t know why it’s more complicated than that, except it sounds like you’re probably more financially entangled at this point since I remember that thread from years ago.

Dude, dump or don’t dump, I have no dog in this fight. I just remember him telling you years ago that he wasn’t especially keen on committing and since you’re not keen on the sex or whatevs and he hasn’t ponied any commitment up in the meantime, I’d at least try pitching swinging or polyamory or whatever the kids call it.

10

I am sorry for the situation and I hope I don’t come across as cold, but since you aren’t married and have no kids together, then leave, leave, leave and never look back.

The emotional attachment is nothing compared to when a young life is involved or when a family has been established. Consider yourself fortunate that you are young and are able to make a clean break and find someone who will be a better fit for you. You didn’t “waste” six years of your life. You learned from six years of your life what to look/not look for in a relationship.

11

Man, sorry to hear it. Hope you get what you need.

12

Yeah, I remember that thread too. It sounded even then like you two just were not on the same page. I bet both of you will end up being happier in the long run with relationships where you know the other person wants the same things out of life that you do.
Perhaps if you’re lucky you and this guy can be normal friends someday after things have settled down and both of you have moved on.
It’s very sad to have to break up with someone you still care about, but I think you’re making the right decision.

13

That does suck donkey balls. What about tomorrow or Thursday?

It sounds like you have both given this your best (six years, counseling, and I’m sure a truckload of other stuff you haven’t mentioned) and it just didn’t work out. That sucks but it’s the way life works sometimes.

In my, admittedly limited, experience it is best to admit when you are done. It is very kind of you to take his needs into account but please do not delay the inevitable out of guilt or fear.

14

So it seems I picked the worst time in the world and just can’t do it now - his best other friends have deserted him in business and he’s just completely despondent. Fuckers.

15

Don’t prolong the agony. It’s better to just do it and get it done. Tomorrow is fine. Hugs.

16

Oh, damn. I almost feel like I know you and your boyfriend, and you and your boyfriend as a couple, just from reading your posts. This makes me sad. But of course, you do need to have someone that you want to get your sex on with, so you are definitely doing the right thing. Hang in there, girlie.

17

Ultimately, you’re doing him a kindness (as well as yourself), forcing him to go free to find someone with whom he’s a better fit.

18

That sucks ( both the reality of it and the shitty timing today ).

Sorry, Zsofia. And best of luck.

19

You wrote in my thread about my own breakup and you have my sympathy, too. Breakups are so hard. I still miss my ex like crazy every single day (and can’t imagine myself with anyone else… at least not yet) but you have to do what’s best for both of you in the long run, otherwise you might end up hating each other just because you are not entirely happy together.

20

It just feels even more like drowning a puppy now, you know? I mean, I knew it was going to be bad but now it’s like “Hey, guess what, my two best friends are deserting my company!” “Hey, guess what? Me too!”

ETA - I went to my tenth college reunion a few weeks ago (and he, as I said, didn’t go) and the girls I sat with at the dinner party were really helpful on the “break up with him already” front. I was all “Who am I going to watch All Creatures Great and Small with?” and a girl I hardly remembered at all from college said “I used to wonder who on earth I’d eat pancakes with if I left my boyfriend, but now I eat French toast!” In the cab on the way back to the hotel I was so drunk I texted a friend who I’ve been talking with a lot about this (er, a male friend. An ex. Which isn’t WHY I’m breaking up, but it’s helped me make the decision) “It’s like a serpent in my mouth, stealing my tongue.” Which must have been REALLY PROFOUND at the time but cracks my shit up now.