Video cards are simple to replace. Is it a desktop or laptop? Have drachillix tell you what you need.
Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but it ain’t working. My pet video professional can damned well fix it, baby.
People, knock off the personal attacks on each other. I’m tired and I’m cranky, and I’m not in the mood to go through this thread post by post issuing warnings, so I’m not going to – but I will if you don’t all knock it off.
If you have a problem with another poster, take it up in the pit. In MPSIMS, refrain from all personal attacks.
Thanks,
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
You’re a friend. You have a lot of years invested and I must say, I’m in the camp of " wait a week or two. " You’re not putting it off forever. I’m not not not advocating some martydom here, or suffering so he doesn’t. Not one darned bit. But the timing, wow.
You’re not his lover. You’re not in love with him. But you’re his friend. Be a friend. Because a year from now, five years from now, you will be able to hold your head up a bit over how you ended this.
The very fact that you are struggling inside over how to handle this says a lot about your level of caring. I say let him catch his breath a bit re: the work crash and then tell him.
I’m sure he has many good qualities. But inflicting your laziness upon other people IS being a jerk. It’s selfish and inconsiderate as it forces other people to sacrifice their time, energy, work ethic, and often a sizable amount of their own happiness to pick up your slack and parent you.
I say this as a lazy, unmotivated person myself. I regret when I realize I’ve taken advantage of other people, I know I’ve rarely done so with bad intentions, but it’s still wrong. It’s simply the gentle, insidious, passive way to be an asshole.
He needs to leave, you’re clearly done with every way with this relationship, and it’s hurting you to drag this out. I know you can put your foot down and make the life you want and deserve for yourself. One where he doesn’t live with you (and perhaps one where you are best friends without benefits).
Zsofia, there’s a lot here that you’ve posted that I could have posted
“He’s lazy, but not a jerk”
“We’re both slobs”
“He does (x) (y) and (z)…” - which all coincidentally happen to be things he WANTS to do rather than what NEEDS to be done
My case is a bit different to yours. Extended, near-fatal illness left my husband in a position where he came to rely on me for everything. And I slipped into that role.
I work 38 hours a week. I pay the mortgage - by myself. I pay for all the groceries, pay all the bills, hell I even pay for his cigarettes. He gets a certain amount per fortnight for his disability pension and I only take $30 of that back. He looks after the dog, sure - while the living room is a tip, the kitchen is full of filthy dishes, the computer room is full of dishes that are full of cigarette butts.
He repaid me by falling in love with a girl from Star Trek Online (he pays for his sub, I pay for the internet and phone bill, and am currently paying my mum back for buying the computer) and telling me he didn’t feel the same love for me any more.
And I sat back and accepted it, because I valued my “friendship” with him higher than my own self worth. I didn’t want to be alone, more importantly I didn’t want to put my foot down and make him mad at me. When he gets upset about something, he withdraws contact and affection, and I break like a twig. So to avoid facing the things I feared, I agreed we’d separate but keep seeing other people.
Yesterday someone who has recently come back into my life after 12 years apart sat me down and told me straight to my face - This is abuse. It may not be intentional, and it’s not like he’s hitting me, but he is abusing me emotionally - using my emotions to manipulate me, to get what he wants, to keep living a life where he has no responsibilities and I rush around after him, booking appointments, filling in paperwork, cooking, shopping, doing laundry and so on. On top of my job.
Other friends and my family have told me this before, but it took someone who I haven’t seen since I was a kid less than a week to pick up everything I was (and wasn’t saying) and slap me in the face with the truth again.
I caught myself cleaning my husband’s face with spit because he had cigarette ash on it this morning. Like you would a child.
I’ll tell you now, I feel sick to my stomach with the fear that if I put my foot down he’s going to up and leave, go back to England and leave me alone and I’ll have nothing to show for the last 7 years of my life. But I will be sitting down this weekend and drawing boundaries. If he wants to keep living with my support, it will be on my terms and he will act like a decent, respectful housemate. If he doesn’t want to do that, then I guess I’ll be closing the door.
Maybe he’s trying to change? I don’t know you, but it seems like you’ve been trying to leave for a while and are stuck in a place where you’ll consider no other option, even if he is able to convince you otherwise twice before
The guy’s not a jerk and you obviously still have something for him inside. Have you thought that maybe it’s something wrong with you, either with hormones or something, that makes you not sexually attracted to him? It seems that you and others talk about how you’re not happy and that it’s his fault, for being a child, or lazy, or whatever. Have you tried changing yourself too?
I don’t subscribe to the whole jobless thing being bad. If the sex roles were reversed and you were and man and he was a woman, not many people would think twice that you’re supporting your girlfriend and possibly future wife. People would say, “wow, she has her own business, that’s great even though it didn’t work out, it shows initiative. And running for mayor? How many people do that? She must be really special”. If you want him to work a normal job and he doesn’t, don’t use that against him as some kind of deal breaker. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he’s supposed to be the one with the job and you’re supposed to get to stay home. I don’t know how old he is, but if he’s close to your age, early 30’s is still relatively young to discover a career or what you’re good at in life.
So I would instead say, contrary to the advice you’ve been given, if you’ve stayed with him for so long, then you must still feel something for him more than simply pity. Try to see if there’s anything you can do to change your attitude towards him, maybe go to some kind of sex counseling to find out why you’re not attracted to him. Maybe check with a doctor to see if there’s any hormonal imbalance? I dunno how exactly that works, but it’s worth a shot.
Ultimately, end it if you know for sure what you want out of the relationship and if you know you can’t get it. But consider the alternatives: you’d be alone. If that makes you happier, go for it. But if not, you’re still young enough to work things out. And really, please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if there’s no marriage or kids then it’s a waste. You had fun the last 6 years right? No reason why you have to get married, you can have fun for 6 more.
Okay, that post alone would be enough to make me leave him.
Well, in this thread rachelellipsoid (who is a 300-pound success story - oh the irony) chants endlessly ditch the motherfucker already.
I also told Zsofia to DTMFA, and twickster’s crabby mod note said no more sniping at other posters here.
Zsofia, baby, if you need your video card fixed, I’ll fix it up for ya.
Khaki Campbell, I am giving you a warning for personal insults for this post:
Given what I said a half dozen posts above this, I could give a second warning for ignoring moderator instructions, but I’m not going to.
You know, I always hate when people use “if the sex roles were reversed…” to support their opinions in these kinds of threads, but this really takes the cake.
If the OP was a man with a GF who 1) has sucked more than $10,000 out of him, 2) hasn’t made a steady or decent income for years, 3) can’t even do their share of the housework, and 4) uses other people’s goodwill so they can indulge in dreams that don’t ever go anywhere, I suspect everyone would be saying the same thing they’re telling Zsofia now. This doesn’t even take into account the guy’s lameass feet-dragging a couple years ago about supposedly marrying an atheist. Somehow marrying and having kids with an atheist goes against his principles, but latching on to an atheist’s teat and milking her dry isn’t. If you think a woman would able to get away with this, you’re crazy.
Why wouldn’t she be unattracted to this guy? I completely understand why wouldn’t want to sleep with him. He’s become a burden to take care of, and it’s clear she has lost the motivation to be an unending source of support to him.
Don’t call me baby
When we were not the way we are
-Voice of the Beehive
Assuming you’re American and not some sort of Commonwealth person, you will at least have the word “tip” to show for it. See?
Exactly. I don’t think a single post in this thread would be any different if the sexes were reversed.
This morning I had this executive coaching session (what is it with coaching, is that the new thing or something?) that I was sent to with this leadership course I’m taking. And I sat down and we talked about my career goals and how I feel kind of stagnant in my current job and have been trying to make a lateral move but haven’t been able to, and we talked a lot about job satisfaction and your work’s role in your life and some problems I’ve been having at work, and humiliatingly I started crying in this woman’s office over my silly leadership binder and I explained all about the shit with my half brother and his kids and how my life has gotten depressingly small and I’m trying to do something about it with swimming and volunteering and shit, and plus all this with my boyfriend, god, how embarrassing.
Well, she does personal coaching too, and she’s of the opinion that sometimes people do get a wakeup call and end up changing their priorities, and she thinks I ought to give myself permission to watch and see what he does. Which is just confusing to me because I kind of wanted her to tell me to get rid of him. But we also talked about assertiveness and how I tend to waver between aggressive and passive without often landing on assertive. Sigh.
That kind of validation-seeking (“I kind of wanted her to tell me to get rid of him”) is a strong indicator of codependency. And yes I’m not your doctor, or a doctor, and I’m not saying you’re codependent. But I have been codependent in the past, and I recognize similar mannerisms in the way you describe your inability to end this relationship.
In the end it is really a choice that you need to make for yourself. Otherwise it’s a possibility that you will feel that your life is being buffeted around by the wings of fate, and you don’t have to take responsibility for how things end up because you were given permission to do it by an authority figure. Grab the situation by the pubic hairs, instead, and do what YOU WANT to do. It’s not selfish.
I’m going to go read the whole thread now, but I just wanted to say to Sierra Indigo that I hope you find the strength to make a better life for yourself than what you’re currently putting up with.
How many wake-up calls does he need? How many should you let him have, in her opinion? How many times does he get to promise to change, and not do so, before you get the nod from other people to go ahead and get on with your life?
I seriously doubt this woman has a full picture of the relationship from whatever you spilled out this morning. Only you can decide when you’ve had enough and you don’t need anyone else’s say so. Including ours.
I don’t disagree with this, but, seriously, wouldn’t it be better to do this with a little bit of distance (i.e. separation) between you two, just so you both can have a more neutral mental space to figure things out for yourselves? Personally, I find it hard to effect real, personal change when everything else in life is exactly the same as it was before.