So I'm heading over the world where all the inexplicably lost stuff goes. Can I grab y'all anything?

For reasons that would be otiose to rehearse, but which certainly do NOT involve a foiled attempt to sell May Parker to the Sultan of Brunei as his latest wife, I find it needful to briefly relocate to a world where Spider-Man cannot follow. Dude can hit.

Ordinarily I would head over to the Universal Library till the heat died down, but as a result of unfortunate incident involving burning down the Tolkien wing and having sex in the ashes, my borrowing privileges there are under review. Instead I’m heading over to the world where all the stuff from OUR world that inexplicably and is never found is kept. (Lost socks are kept in Antarctica.) I have access to the catalogue, of course. Can I get anything you guys are missing?

My youth?

Only material things are kept in this world, sadly, like that stuffed tiger I lent to Little Sister #2 in 1978 which she somehow lost IN HER OWN BEDROO.

Lost youth, squandered opportunities, failed ambitions, and desperately-yearned-for-love-&-innocence are kept in the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

It’s so weird. My colander went missing. You know, that pot with holes used to drain pasta and the like. It’s not something that usually varies from the cabinet where it lives to the sink where it works. It’s not something you normally take anywhere or use somewhere else.

But it’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere for that stupid colander! It’s nowhere in the kitchen. Where could it be?

Please find it for me and ask it where it’s been all this time.

My passport. I thought it was taped inside my suitcase but it isn’t. Also about 84 black dress socks.

If you bring back Osama Bin Laden, I think we could probably gloss over the thing with Mary Parker that absolutely didn’t happen.

A gold ring I last saw on my wedding day almost 12 years ago (not my wedding ring obviously). A simple thing, the least of rings, a trifle I fancy, but precious to me nonetheless. Much would I give for its return.

By which I mean my college class ring. My wife didn’t want me wearing another ring for the ring ceremony, so I removed it and put it somewhere safe, which turned out not to be, if one’s definition of safe" includes remembering that location and then finding it there later. I figured it would turn up while we packed for moving, or if it was in the pocket of some jacket or pair of pants that it would eventually show itself, but three moves later and many changes in clothing size (both up and down), it never has.

Too bad. 18K gold and all. Would cost 4x or more now to replace it due to the steep rise in the price of gold since 1992.

Okay, but you’ll have to explain where you get talking cookware from. And if the answer is “the same store Wilma Flintstone shops at,” you’re out of luck.

In the first place, it was MAY Parker, not Mary Jane.

In the second place, had nothing to do with it anyway. All the evidence points to whichever one of you I framed for the offense in question.

In the third place, the world in question only has things, not people. If Osama’s there, it can only be his corpse.

My favorite hat, it’s a brown beret. I lost it about 20 years ago, but damn, it looked good on me. I haven’t found one since that looks half as good.

Did you check in its pouch? That’s where I’d expect a bedroo to keep things.

You better HOPE the Avengers catch me before I catch you, woman. Not even Piers Anthony would sink so low.

When I was 5 or 6 I lost my favorite Transformers toy ever…Shockwave. If you can bring him back for me, that’d be super.

What about the explicably lost stuff? Like, once when I was a kid, I had an air-propelled missile toy, and was very intelligently playing with it in a car with open windows on the Interstate. The results were exactly as you’d expect.

Oh, and watch out for the Hangers. They’re pretty vehement about defending their plane, and you can get some nasty electrical storms.

Oh, and don’t worry about the thing with May Parker. We all know you wanted her for yourself, and wouldn’t give her up to any Sultan.

About six weeks ago, I bought an awesome pair of long underwear. I wore them a total of twice. They were so comfortable, kept me dry & warm, and were not cheap. Did I mention I only wore them twice?

The second time, I took them off in my bedroom, which is in my house, and put them in the laundry basket in my closet, not coincidentally also in my house, from whence my wife brought the basket downstairs to the laundry room in my basement, also, you guessed it, in my house.

Since that day, neither of us have seen them. They could not have left the house, but they are not any of the places that clothing items are ever brought after they have been laundered. I’ve also checked in the freezer, thanks to George Carlin.

They are gone. I miss them.

While you’re looking for robardin’s college ring, look for my dad’s. Class of 1948. He was out raking the yard, it was giving him a blister and he took it off to put it in his pocket. Only he missed his pocket and it fell in the grass. Big hunk of gold with a garnet; I could put my class ring clean through it. Gone for 30 years now.

My recent trip to Albuquerque made me pine for the Zuni turquoise pin that my mother gave me. It disappeared during a move 30+ years ago.

Can you bring me more than one thing? If so, I’d really like the awesome bead embroidered pendant that I made last year. One moment, it was around my neck and the next thing I knew, it was gone.

If I’m limited to one item, I’ll take the latter.

Last week one of my 2 small serrated knives took a powder. I really need 2, in case one is waiting to be washed. The missing one has a brown wooden handle so it’s not in the dishwasher. If found, please return to my silverware drawer.

kay, I’ll start this request out by saying (i) I live alone, (ii) I don’t have many visitors ever, and (iii) my apartment is small – there is no West or East Wing; there is no “Wing” so, therefore, not many places for things to escape into/behind.
So, then:

A) What happened to my favorite green tie? During the last period of time that I remember wearing it, I might have taken it off before heading home and stuffed it in my bag, but it would’ve have been in an inside pocket for sure. So how did it escape before reaching home or disappear after, with no one else around or space into which to misplace it?

B) Can you inquire about my narrow black belt with the silver buckle? No way would I have (a) removed it before arriving back home after wearing it, (b) loaned it to anybody without remembering "Hey, one of my friends was forward and needful enough to borrow an article of my clothing, or © have it end up behind some article of furniture or room in my house I never go into (again, small, 4 smal rooms).

C) I suspect you have all of my missing items, including my brown, long-sleeved thermal shirt (Henley?), which I just discovered missing yesterday and then, today, you start this (jeering) thread. I looked everywhere for it and it’s JUST NOT THERE.

So, Skald, how did you discover my home address and obtain a copy of the 4 keys needed to enter my apartment, huh, and take these items just to torment me?

P.S. I won’t even mention the navy blue, nylon Nike tennis shorts that disappeared a few years ago, or the $450 prescription eyeglasses that were the only pair my myopic ass ever came close to liking and that just vanished into thin air in 2004.

My St. Anthony’s medal. I lost it at the beach in 1982.

Ironic, I know.