This is my first journal entry that I started to night. I’ve never really wrote anything like this. It’s kind of weird to write stuff. A lot comes out that you never thought could. But I’m doing this in the event that If I die, I want the people in my life to why I am so fucked up. Basically I’m starting off in a way that the reader will eventually understand again, why i’m so fucked up. It will get longer, but this is just the beginning and I’ve run out of things to say. Just in case your wondering, this is not a suicide note, that is for another time.
4-6-01 1:54am
To the wonderer:
In case I meet in an unfortunate death. Lest you’ve always wondered why I was so quiet all time.
What’s worse than being depressed? Loneliness. Why am I lonely? Because I’m depressed. Why am I depressed? Because before I was depressed, no one wanted to be around me. It’s just a vicious cycle.
People say you’ll never beat loneliness if you have no ambition to do anything about it. “You just can’t sit around and wait for someone to ask you out.”, they say. But what about before I was depressed and avoidant. I wasn’t just waiting for some special person to come up to me and hook up and I didn’t expect anyone to either. I tried school dances and things like that but I was always so terrified to do anything, until one time I had the nerve to ask a girl to dance, well actually I had to have my sister ask her and surprisingly she said yes. This was like seventh grade or something by the way. So we danced to a song, I don’t remember if it was a slow song or not, but the whole time we were dancing was one of the most awkward days of my life. I didn’t really say anything to her, she said nothing to me. Very little eye contact the whole time. It’s also possible that she was nervous too, although I doubt that because I think she only did it because she felt sorry for me, I really don’t know.
Another thing you should know is that I am not GAY! Just because a person doesn’t have a co-ed partner does not make them gay by any means. I love women, I love everything about them, I just don’t think they see anything in me, that’s all. I know that kind of talk is just irrational, but I just can’t stop thinking that way. I am just someone who is very fearful of what is out there. I don’t know why and I wish that I wasn’t.
Look, I am not like some perve who is looking for a booty call or anything like that. I’m just like everyone else. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to touch. And vice versa. And because I’ve never really done any of these things, another fear comes into play. What if I can never do any of these things with a woman? I’m a 20 year old man, maybe it’s not too late, but something’s gotta give right? All this time everyone else is getting involved in social gatherings, having a good time, and whether they know it or not they’re learning social interaction. It’s like I’ve missed class for a whole year and I have to pass this test. What is more is that I have to pass this test and move on. But I have don’t have the experience like the others do. So I have a lot of catching up to do. I look at it like this – if I start now, I’ll probably be comfortable with dating by the time I’m 30+. But I’m not starting now. I’m in a rut. - done -
