Another vote for being a baby (but you still have to be gentle with him). My ex used to do a similar thing when I was in therapy. Sometimes he’d ask if I discussed him with my therapist that day, and when I said No, he couldn’t believe it.
Trivial. He’s the whiny jerk. Most guys wouldn’t want people talking about their medical stuff anyway.
This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine breaks up with her boyfriend because he didn’t use enough exclamation points on a “<friend of Elaine> had the baby!” phone message note he wrote her.
I’ve got several things to say, and I’m not sure where to start… How about a list:
- why is it important for you to know “which one of us is a jerk”?
- Do you want to be HAPPY or RIGHT? In my book, happy is usually the better choice.
- Everybody in a relationship gets to be pissy sometimes. This is his turn. Accept it.
- To counteract a lot of the messages on this topic, I definitely CAN see your husband’s point. You talked to your Mother about everyone on YOUR side of the family, but YOU didn’t mention him?
- He’s probably scared that he’s losing his hearing. I know I would be. And he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions. Cut him some slack.
- In the great scheme of things, this is pretty small. Not mentioning his ear problems to your Mother? It isn’t war, or death of a spouse, or cheating, or loss of a child.
And, why, yes, I AM an engineer. Thanks for noticing! Was it the list that gave it away? 
J.
Oh good God. Thoughtless? He’s being a very babyish jerk, IMHO. It’s not like he lost a limb or something.
Asimovian, that’s a fair point, I stated her opinion of it as though it were fact, and she never said she didn’t think it important. I should have phrased it more like this: The post-call conversation lead her husband to believe she didn’t think it was important. She talked about a variety of topics including health, work and visits, and didn’t mention hubby’s ear problem.
His behavior makes me think he’s scared about his hearing. He snaps at her for asking about it “too often”. He’s also mad that she “doesn’t care” enough about it.
I don’t think you owe your husband an apology at all, though I often get unreasonable and cranky when I’m not feeling well, too.
If it were me and my husband, I’d say something like, “I understand that your feelings were hurt when I didn’t tell my mom about your ear, but she has shingles, which can also be very painful. Sometimes just shooting the breeze about nothing in particular can make an illness feel better for a while. Now, is there anything I can get you to make you more comfortable?”
I certainly wouldn’t apologize for not telling your mom, though indicating that you understand that his feelings are hurt and that you regret that might help. Still, I think your husband sounds like a bit of a baby.
Ear pain isn’t fun but unless you’ve been boxing with Mike Tyson, ear problems just aren’t that interesting.
Based solely on the title, the guy is wrong.
After reading the OP, I stand by my statement.
I’m inclined to guess that this is indicative of deeper resentments he has about the amount of attention he gets.
And I do think it’s weird for anyone to talk to a parent at length and not mention their spouse (even when healthy).
I think you’re right about this. I’m sure I would be, too. Not that I think that’s an excuse for his behavior, but there are still some unknowns here.
Hopefully, the OP will return at some point and clarify some points about his behavior now versus what is normal for him, and also her own feelings about his current ailment.
I don’t think that I’ve ever given him any reason to tihnk that I don’t care or that I’m not taking it seriously- I jist had other things to talk to my mom about, and his ear wasn’t one if them. I toyed with the idea of calling her back just to tell her. I don’t generally discuss my medical issues with other people- even when they’ve been fairly serious- and it doesn’t occur to me to do it on behalf of others.
I guess I didn't feel like I did anything that horrible, and wanted to get the opinions of people who don't know either of us and don't have any reason to "take sides".I just think it’s sad that married people can be so petty and unloving as to argue about stupid shit like this. If this is what being married is like, I’ll stay alone, thank you very much. Jeez Louise.
This is excellent advice. It isn’t about who is a jerk, or about being right. It’s about acknowledging his feelings in such a way that he registers it. There is a breakdown in the communication of feelings here that should be looked at and repaired. Sometimes married people get comfortable, and forget to do the maintaince needed to keep the communication lines from breaking down. It happens to many. A way to apologize to him that would preserve your feelings too, would be something along the lines of “I’m sorry that I didn’t get it through to you that I do care for you and that I am concerned for you.” He might not even realize that this is what it is about though, he might still be focusing on the fact you didn’t mention his health problem to your mother. He wants to know you care about him, so find a way to reassure him of this.
This is absolutely what being married is like - sometimes. Then when you’ve had your little spat, you come together and sit down and work out what went wrong for you to fight over something so trivial like this, and usually end up even closer. Don’t think this is all that marriage is, though. My husband and I (and, I suspect, most married people) support and help each other in ways that are far beyond the call of duty.
What a great day it will be when all men can put down the burden of pretense and share their feelings openly just as many women do. That doesn’t mean that we lose strength and independence. If anything, it makes us stronger.
Don’t apologize for anything you are not sorry for. But if you regret that his feelings have been hurt, it would be good to tell him so. Just don’t take responsibility for them. Don’t say, “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.” That’s very different from “I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt.”
It’s not a game. It’s just about being fair.
Everyone has the right to be foolish from time to time. I can be such a baby when I’m not well. My husband is most kind and very forgiving.
This is my vote as well. Yeah, he’s acting like a bit of a Prima Donna, but it’s no skin off your teeth to “there, there” him right?
Yuck.
Yes, there IS a big difference between those two things, and the latter is completely unacceptable as an apology. It isn’t an apology. It’s awful.
People use it all the time as a snide insult.
“I’m sorry you were offended.” “I’m sorry you are such a stupid git you can’t understand plain English.”
This particular construction is simply a slap in the face.
If I hurt my husband’s feelings, intentionally or unintentionally, I’m sorry for that. Not sorry that his feelings were hurt, but sorry that I was the one who hurt them.
I would also be sorry that his feelings were hurt - he’s my husband, and I don’t like to see him hurt at all. I think you were just talking about the phrasing, though, of the un-apology, and I agree that it wouldn’t be well-received.
I can’t help but think about the divorce statistics in the United States, after reading all the hard-nosed responses in this thread about people not bending an inch when they aren’t in the wrong, and not making any effort to go out of their way to make their spouse feel better even if he didn’t earn it. It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong, or what’s fair or who won - it’s about being a couple and doing what it takes to make your relationship thrive. Sometimes you give when you don’t feel like giving, and sometimes the other person keeps his mouth shut when he really wants to blow up, and if you’re both good, mature people, you’ll end up getting a lot more than you give if you’re not stingy with the giving. In my opinion, of course.
I agree with you in general, but some of it also depends on what kind of person her husband (or any spouse) is on a regular basis. In a marriage, you are a team and certainly need to be willing to make concessions for your partner. But you also don’t want to establish a pattern of bending to your partner when he or she is clearly wrong just to keep the person happy. I think that may be why some people in this thread are so steadfast in supporting the OP here. We can all overlook a misstep here or there from someone we love. But it should not become a habit.
Again, I’m not implying that in this particular scenario, the husband makes a habit of this kind of behavior – I don’t know. If this is a one-off incident, probably best for the OP to just let it go.
Yeah, I wasn’t clear.
The un-apology keeps popping up everywhere and I just hate it with an irrational hatred that nearly explodes my head! Ack!