Apparently she has been for 4 or 5 years now. She’s been dating a girl that I know though her. I’m one of 4 people in her family that know. The rest of them would flip if they found out. I’ve already told her that I love her and support her whatever she decides to do.
So what do I say to her now? How do I help her deal with the rest of my family? I’m at a loss as to how to help her get through the transition with our family, if and when she decides to tell them. Any ideas are appreciated. I’ll try to check on this thread several times a day.
BTW, it’s not even hot to think about. Those lesbians on TV all look so hot, and I just get this sister-like image when I think about her. Oy.
I got news for ya, Dilbert: A lot of those TV lesbians are (gasp!) ** straight**. In other words, they’re faking it for the drooling males out there. Most of us don’t look like that in real life.
At any rate, kudos to you for supporting her. A lot depends on how out she wants to be and how comfortable she is with her sexuality.
You might be interested in checking out PFLAG’s (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) website–especially the section on support, which includes FAQs and ways to support people coming out: http://www.pflag.org .
This may seem a little silly, but here’s my personal list of questions you SHOULDN’t ask:
So which one of you is the guy?
What do you do in bed?/It’s not REAL sex, is it??
Are you sure you haven’t met the right guy yet?
You would be amazed at how many people ask this type of thing…feel free to ask random questions as there are quite a few of us on the board. There used to be an Ask the Gay Guy thread, but I haven’t seen it since the board came back up.
Love her just the same as before. She’s still your sister, you just know a little more about her than you used to know. She hasn’t changed, she’s not a doppelganger, she’s the the same girl that used to fight with you for the bathroom.
Leave it be. If there’s any ugliness when she comes out to the rest of the family, let her know that you’re still the same person that loved her before, and still do so, now.
Well, all my cousins are under dating age, so I can’t identify with your situation, but here’s my .02:
First of all, don’t necessarily assume that she is going to need to be helped and coddled through the transition, or that everyone else is certainly going to flip out. However, you know your family, and if you’re convinced they’re gonna freak, then acting as if its no big deal (which it isn’t-it’s just her sexual orientation, not like she robbed a bank or anything!), should help set the standard for the way everyone else behaves. People tend to feed off each other, and if you act as if acceptance and lack of drama is the dignified way to go, then others may follow your lead.
Secondly, I agree that you shouldn’t ask inappropriate questions, but I wouldnt be too uncomfortable talking freely, or you may become embarassed to talk about it at all, and she may perceive your silence as a slow withdrawal.
Good luck!
Well, her mother put her in therapy a few years back when this all surfaced (she was about 17 at the time). She was “cured” (went into the closet). However, I am well aware of her immediate family’s thoughts on the topic, and I can only assume that grandparents will be worse. I’m pretty sure my family would react in the same manner as her parents. I don’t think she needs coddled through the transition, but she will almost certainly need support.
That’s a good idea, but I’m about 1200 miles away from everyone else, so my reaction isn’t going to help much.
I have no problem talking with her about this (or at least I’m as comfortable talking to her about this as I am talking to my sister about sex).
Particularly if she’s been through the hell of conversion therapy, you might want to tell her to look around for a local pflag chapter. And if she’s in university, her school will most likely have a group.
But then, if she’s been there and done that with all of these things the problem isn’t her dealing with being a lesbian, it’s her family dealing with said fact. I would reccomend in this case a book called Coming Out to Parents : A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents by Mary V. Borhek. That is, if her family will read it.
These things take time. A lot of time. It took my mom a good five years to come around, and she’s pretty liberal. Your cousin might have to resign herself to a lot of bitter fighting for awhile. Sometimes families will realize “Well, she’s happy and I wouldn’t stand it if I lost her.” And sometimes they don’t and they lose their daughter. I hope that the former happens, although if they sent her to conversion it… well, is less likely.
If she’s still financially dependant on her family she absolutely shouldn’t come out to them anytime soon if she needs them to pay for college and they’d do something like withold tuition if she came out. (I have friends whom that’s happened to.)
You, at least, obviously care about her, and that’s an excellent start.
Whoops. Sorry my response bombed. :o
Thank goodness others who have been through this have been able to direct you to such helpful sources!
I didn’t realize you were so far away. Well, maybe just acting calm and reasonable about it if anyone does contact you have help a bit.
And secondly-
Eesh. The therapist’s idea helping her come to terms with her sexuality was to “cure” her of it? That is sad indeed. Unless you mean that she just got fed up with the whole process, and declared herself straight just to avoid further reactions etc.
Either way, the way I see it, only one party in this scenario is capable of change. She cannot change such a fundamental part of who she is. However, her/your family can change the way they view sexuality, sterotypes, etc. The ball will really be in their court, and you are already helpful because you are so caring
and supportive!
Sadly, sidle, there are a number of “ex-gay” organizations & therapists out there whose primary focus is converting gay folks to heterosexuality. I’ve had more than one friend go through this process and then have to deal with coming out all over again. Probably not all that difficult for Dilbert’s cousin’s parents to find a therapist specializing in this, especially if they went through a religious organization to find the therapist.
Wonderfully, the American Psychological Association has issued a statement that this type of therapy is not effective in changing a person’s sexual orientation.
