So, your baby is a demon. Literally. Now What?

Now that you’ve survived a zombie invasionand being turned into a vampire, (hypothetical) life has thrown you yet another curveball. You’ve met the guy or girl of your dreams, and fallen deeply in love. And, in the fullness of time, the two of you produced a baby. (which was probably surprising if you were in a same sex relationship, but go with it)

Unfortunately, just after the baby’s birth, something unfortunate about your beloved came to light: he or she transformed into a demon in front of your eyes, scared the crap out of you, and said goodbye because they needed to return to hell on urgent business. Once he or she has left, you try for a few weeks to convince yourself that you got drugged, or maybe suffered a temporary break with reality. But Baby’s behavior soon has you convinced that your precious little snowflake is actually as demonic as your erstwhile lover. Baby can do a lot of bad bad things.

So what the hell did you do? Let us know how it all turned out for you, the single parent of demonic infant.

Bear in mind that you’ve seen The Omen and The Ring, so you know the sorts of things that happen to parents who try to rid themselves of their demonic offspring. Chose that path if you must, but consider yourself forewarned.

Supposing you kept Baby, how did you adapt to having a demonic kid? What sort of pitfalls have you experienced? What did you do to try and straighten the kid out? Or did you just accept him/her as their evil little self?

If you ditched the kid, did that work out for you, or did you end up paying for it?

Feed him pancakes.

Anybody catch that one?

Far as I can tell, demonbabies only get to fight back if they know what’s coming (and they can sense a plan coming from a mile away).

However, I’ve got limited tolerance for babies normally, so I figure it’d only be a matter of time before a demonbaby managed to piss me off/stress me out sufficiently that I’d flip out entirely and ‘deal with it’ before it knew what was coming.

Devil-dad might be a little ticked when he found out, but that’ll teach him not to be a deadbeat father.

Enroll him in Sunday school, and start trying to persuade him that he really wants to become a minister.

Wow, he’s not even speaking yet and you’re already labeling him because of who his parents are - ‘Demonic’ this and ‘Devil spawn’ that. :mad:

ALL KIDS are different and if this one just happens to be the antichrist and the incarnation of all evil supreme, then that’s just part of nature’s plan. He has to learn to find his own place in the world, just like any other child, the only difference being that when he has found his place in the world, the apocalypse begins, together with a reign of unspeakable terror and suffering.


Keep the hellspawn baby and hire an agent. I’ll be damned if there isn’t at least a TLC series waiting to be made.

Eh. In all honesty, I’d just do what I do now – try to get my (demon)kid to be the best at whatever his/her talents are. So, you can crush skulls from a mile? Awesome, try it at 2 miles! You can read minds? That’s cool, Johnny, try controlling them now!

It would only bother me if the kid were disfigured and couldn’t do the transformation thing. Ok, and if it had sharp teeth, I’d pump the milk – no teeth in the titty for me, thanks! I’d probably steer him/her into politics, though, y’know, for the fun of it.

I’d just treat him nice and try to steer him in the right direction but I’d probably go a little easy on the punishment in the hopes that someday junior will decide to spare mommy when he destroys the world.

Then again I could always try being very strict and hope he gets fed up and goes to live with his father, but that would probably backfire on me.

I guess letting him cry it out isn’t an option?

I’d try to be tolerant but firm: he can bring Cerberus to show and tell, but no trading snacks for his classmates’ souls on the playground.

You realize that making that screeching noise and those disproportionate piles of shit all day is actually normal baby behavior, right?

My parents just raised me to adulthood and encouraged me to go to law school. After that everything just kind of fell into place.

I am still waiting to see how you tell the difference between a demon-spawn and the average three year old.

I think I would have found out early if my child were the offspring of a scion of the Outer Darkness - we practice infant baptism in my church.



So you didn’t consider a break with reality during a zombie invasion and a vampiric transformation…?

So, your baby is a demon. Literally. Now What?

Take him to the mall where he can interact with all the other little demons.

Hellspawn Daycare also has openings, I hear.

Do I get any child-support payments from Dad?

A demon huh? Get him into politics early. I’m sure he’d have a great career ahead of him, and if he’s destinied to rule the world anyway it would give him the right tools.

Why can’t you apply yourself like that Thorn kid down the street? You know Lomax’s kid is going to law school? If you keep hanging out with your stupid red friend with the giant oversized hand drinking beer and eating pizza all day, your going to end up in some stupid civil service job just like him.

That’s what I’m thinking.