Listening to Mary Hart causes convulsions in doofus hipsters.
There’s a soup called Mulligatawny.
Most geniuses are disciplined, eccentric, and misunderstood.
It’s a great life when you can do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating.
Some women like men who are dark, mysterious, and disturbed. Others like men who are short, bald, and quirky.
It’s perfectly okay for a hot woman to approach a strange man and touch his garment. If a man does this to a strange woman, he’s a creep!
Abstaining from sex makes men geniuses. Abstaining from sex makes women dumber than dirt.
Twix is the only candy bar with a cookie crunch
Talkers come in at least three varieties: High, Low, and Close.
When old people die, you can make a fortune selling their clothes as vintage garments.
Trench coats without belts do not sell. At least, not until they become vintage garments.
If you miss a lesbian wedding, you can always catch the bris!*
Breath freshener is an acceptable substitute for pepper spray.
*I know, I know… :rolleyes:
“Yadda yadda” can mean just about anything.
It’s not a pizza until it comes out of the oven.
A golf ball is roughly the same size as a whale’s blow hole.
Chocolate babka is much better than cinnamon babka.
You can’t show up at someone’s house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
If people would only look to the (black and white) cookie. All our problems would be solved.
Chemical Bank burned down.
Drake’s coffee cake costs more than 50 cents
Leonard Burnstein’s friends call him Maestro.
Proctologists tell the best stories…
If the van’s a-rockin’, don’t come knockin’!
Jackie O had grace.
In upstate New York you can apparently drive for *miles *off the road and be fine until you turn your head and then pow, you’re in a swimming pool.
Serenity now; insanity later.
Eating Hampden tomatoes is just like eating apples. Unfortunately, tomatoes as hand fruits never caught on. 
Never buy a used car from Jon Voight.
Frozen yogurt cannot ever be fat free.
Thankfully, it’s a million-to-one shot.
If you’re going to take your shirt off to take a dump, make sure you put it back on when you’re finished.
Or from John Voight, the periodontist.