Episode 10 - Radioactive Ex-Girlfriend
Original airdate: January 7, 2017
Youtube synopsis
With Craig and Edie’s engagement party around the corner, everyone is figuring out who to bring. Alan struggles to figure out his relationship status with Layla, while Zorn rekindles with his ex, Radiana (Olivia Wilde), who is literally radioactive. All the while, Craig has just received his certificate in relationship counseling and is helping others, but just can’t seem to help himself.
Supporting cast
Layla (Clara Mamet), Radiana (Olivia Wilde/Ashley Padilla), club guy (Terrell Owens), Hannah (Tiffany Daniels), Monica (Bella Popa)
[I’m guessing Hannah and Monica are party guests. They aren’t identified.]
Episode
Alan brings in the mail, which contains Zorn’s invitation to Craig and Edie’s engagement party. Zorn’s bummed that he wasn’t able to win Edie back, and worse, the invitation doesn’t mention a plus one. Alan expresses his now well-honed fear that Zorn’s going to overreact to this, but a, cough, more mature Zorn has a more pragmatic plan…completely ignore Edie’s wishes and get a plus one. Naturally he psyches himself up for this task by ripping his chin-up bar off of the door frame and hurting himself. 
Edie uses dollhouse furniture to work out table settings. She idly mentions Layla, whom Alan is now spending a lot of time with. Zorn walks in and expresses outrage that Alan gets a plus one and he doesn’t; he has no intention of going to the party alone and getting the pity look all night. Edie gives in and says Zorn can have a plus one, but “Aside from me, have you ever even had a real relationship? That rankles Zorn further, and he cites Katara and Radiana, both of which Edie finds dubious as the former was a magical love doll and the latter was radioactive. Craig offers his services to Zorn and his imaginary future ladyfriend with a card saying “IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S A LICENSED THERAPIST”. (Funny how Craig’s general level of effort always seems to match the writers’.) Zorn declines.
Zorn, Todd, and Linda head to a nightclub in a mutual quest for hookup material. As Zorn succinctly puts it, “My mission is to find a maiden who is stupid and ugly enough to have sex with me tonight…yet!..smart and beautiful enough to make me look good at Edie’s party. Stupid-smart-beautiful-ugly, those are the boxes to check.” Linda asks a couple of eligible bachelors which one wants to get pregnant tonight. (Oh, and if you were looking for Terrell Owens, he’s the guy on the left with the one line.) Zorn tries a Zephyrian pickup line on candidate #1, who reacts just as positively as you’d expect her not to.
Back home, Edie is intimidated by Craig’s 5th draft of his toast and wants to do something short and simple. Craig reminds her that she’s doing this for best friends and work acquaintances. Alan enters in playing a trumpet at a…reasonable level of skill, before announcing that he will be playing the…wait for it…glass harp for the party. 
(A “glass harp” is multiple wine glasses filled to various heights with water, which the player rubs a finger across the rims to make sounds.) He admits that he’s doing this to impress Layla. Craig offers his therapy services, which Alan quickly rejects. As Alan leaves, Edie is upset that Craig allowed Alan to perform, as his music is awful. (Just no middle ground for anything these days, is there? 
) Craig says he was just humoring Edie and is baffled as to why Alan doesn’t realize how bad he is. Edie explains that he sucked at everything as a kid so she always praised him, and now she’s afraid he’s going to embarrass himself at the party. Craig offers his card, which Edie declines.
A drunk, bitter Zorn returns to his pad in failure, wailing about how in Zephyria he could have any girl he wanted. With no other option, he sends out a call to his ex-girlfriend Radiana. (Jumpscare warning! 
) With an explosion and a blast of green smoke, Radiana appears in the room. She’s tall, beautiful, buxom, and very obviously radioactive (there’s a radiation symbol on her belt in case anyone missed it). She’s very glad to see Zorn. 
Zorn brings Radiana over to Edie’s so he can rub her in her face (not literally, thank the gods). Zorn manages to stop making out long enough to introduce her. It turns out that Radiana and Edie know each other…and not in a good way, as Radiana starts by insulting Edie about her age. (“Well, not everyone can have a thousand year half-life.”) Craig walks in, and Zorn introduces him as the future husband of his sloppy seconds. An offensive noise enters the room, which Edie identifies as Alan practicing his glass harp (easily the instrument he is the absolute worst at). Both Edie and Radiana pan it.
Edie takes Zorn aside, and they talk quietly about Radiana. Edie thinks she’s unstable. Zorn admits that she was, but says she’s changed now. Edie warns her about getting back into an unhealthy relationship. For some reason Zorn whispers something too quiet to hear…uh oh, that’s why. Radiana asks Zorn where the bathroom is…and then lays into him for “flirting” with Edie, then says something really confusing (trust me, you’re not missing anything). As Zorn tries to chill her out, she suddenly starts sobbing, green ooze leaking out of her eyes and nose (eww), and bawls over her jealousy issues. And then she’s romantic again. And then she’s horny again. So yeah, Radiana is, in fact, subject to violent, scary mood swings, which I’m pretty certain was indeed what Edie was getting at. 
Moaning, earthquake, power goes out, the usual. The again-happy couple enters. Zorn announces what they very obviously just did…then ominously pukes up something bright green and glowing. “That’s just allergies.”
At work, where Zorn’s condition has taken a big turn for the worse; Zorn is hacking up a storm and glowy green globs are all over the floor. (Which is no surprise, as he’s always been allergic to work. AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA 
oh give me a break, I need to have some mindless fun if I’m going to get through this damn season.) Linda finds Zorn spraying toxic goop into the refrigerator and says that he needs to go home. Zorn, now with conspicuous green marks on his face, talks proudly about Radiana. Linda asks if she’s really right for him, and, after yelling something at her which definitely should warrant disciplinary action, rambles on and on about Radiana. Linda manages to blurt out “toxic relationship” before Zorn expels more biohazard. 
Edie walks in on Alan practicing on his glass harp, then poses a typically heavy-handed hypothetical about how to break the news to someone really bad at something. Alan, of course, totally misinterprets it and thinks she’s talking about Craig. His advice, tell him he’s way better at something else. Edie gets up to leave, then offhandedly says that Alan is very persuasive and should join the debate team. “Nope.” 
I swear, some of these jokes must have been made by the same software responsible for that hideous “AI art”.
Zorn enters his bathroom and notices an unfamiliar toothbrush that is glowing green. He steps out to see Radiana, completely uninvited, in his living room. Long story short, she’s decided to move back into his life. Permanently. Zorn thinks they’re moving a little too fast, and here comes the next mood swing. “Luckily” Zorn capitulates immediately and promises to make her a key tomorrow. Radiana shows her gratitude by removing her dress, exposing…a midriff full of nuclear fuel rods, one which he removes and licks. More making out, more what-happens-after.
In bed. Zorn scoffs at Edie’s concerns about Radiana. Just then some of his hair falls out. “Okay, this is probably not a coincidence.”
Party time! Craig goes over his toast one last time. “I need some butter, ‘cause this is a toast!” (I was half-expecting to use Stuart Scott’s “on a roll” line.) Radiana and Zorn enter; the former is as ravishing as ever, while Zorn is in extremely rough shape. His body is withered, there are glowy spots all over his body, at least half his hair has fallen out, he’s missing some teeth, and he’s so weak he can’t even walk without help. Linda goes over to him and concernedly notes that he looks like…uh, Dallas Buyer’s Club? Okay, that was a bit of a reach. Alan tells Edie he can’t find his glass harp, and she eagerly encourages him to let it go. Craig accuse her of hiding it, which she admits to, and both agree it’s for the best.
Alan stops by Zorn and says he looks “different”. Zorn, despite now sporting a cataract in his left eye, brushes it off, and Radiana says he looks “distinguished”. Zorn asks for help going using the bathroom, which he claims is nothing gross, but remember that his standards for gross are vastly lower than human standards for gross. In the bathroom Alan tries to get Zorn to realize that Radiana is making him sick. And he agrees (guess even he can’t ignore his own body) but he doesn’t want to break up with her. Alan has Layla, Craig has Edie, and Linda has…well, somebody, and he doesn’t want to be the only one alone. Man…for the first time ever in this series, Zorn is just pitiful. Alan says that he just got his father back and he doesn’t want to lose him.
Alan goes over to Radiana and says that dad wants to see her in the restroom…for “maybe sex”. (Yeah, he’s definitely not going to kick the hornet’s nest.) With her out of the way, he turns back to the pressing issue of how he’s going to perform, rejecting coffee mugs as a substitute. Layla evades the issue on the pretense of leaving to remove her sweater. In the bathroom, Zorn gives the dreaded line “We need to talk,” which instantly causes Radiana to…uh oh.
Edie, at the mike, talks about how she and Craig met. Craig goes up to give his toast. Layla stores her sweater in a closet and by chance discovers a trunk lying at the bottom with a distinct “Glarping is for lovers” sticker on it. She opens it and finds Alan’s glass harp. As Craig completes his toast, Edie is alarmed to see Layla return the trunk to Alan’s. Edie tells Craig to keep talking. Fortunately, Craig has just the thing…impressions. And by “impressions” I mean “One sentence, or in some instances just one word, maybe accompanied with a gesture.” Alan knows very well why mom set Craig up to this, but his exasperation is interrupted by Radiana, now on the verge of total meltdown. Someone throws fruit at Craig.
Outside the men’s room. Radiana wails incessantly at Zorn’s rejection. An increasing pool of green goop is seeping under the door while Edie, Linda, and Alan stand helplessly outside. But at that moment, guess who swoops in to save the day…Craig, Bird Plane Licensed Therapist extraordinaire! Edie tries to hold him back, but Craig says that this is what a hero has to do. Alan tells him he’s not that good at therapy, to which Craig fires back with a pot-calling-the-kettle-black about Alan’s glass harp skills. Wow, between Meka-Zorn and this, Craig can be a badass when he wants to!
Inside, where the floor is almost completely covered with radioactive death and everything is glowing green. Craig gets to work. Zorn interrupts with “Craig, I take some solace in knowing that when I die, you’ll die a split second later knowing you failed.” (Geez… 
) Craig tells Radiana an anecdote about one of his own failed romances…no, wait, it’s actually his friend Andrew who committed suicide. “Oh my god, you are SO bad at this!” cries Zorn. (Zorn…I know Craig’s a longshot, but right now I’d say the old saying “any port in a storm” holds, not to mention “If you fricking have anything better, knock yourself out.” ) Radiana asks why he even wants to be a therapist. Craig admits to being a complete failure up to this point, but he knows in his heart that therapy is his destiny. Radiana predictably ridicules him for clinging to a doomed dream that he’s never going to succeed at…
…but then, revelation! She realizes that she’s doing the exact same thing by clinging to Zorn! Having seen the light, she rejects Zorn for good and expounds briefly on her future plans, then, with a sudden blast of air, she vanishes forever. Most of the toxic goop is gone as well. Craig realizes that for the second time (Meka-Zorn, remember), he’s beaten the odds and proven himself a true hero. Elated, he throws open the door to Zorn’s stall, who flops facefirst on the floor, causing Craig to shout “Zorn’s dead!”, which qualifies as the funniest thing he’s said all night, which is still not all that funny.
Back at the party, a nearly skeletal Zorn is struggling just to remain upright in his chair while Alan offers him tea. Layla tells Edie that she’s leaving and regrets not being able to hear Alan play, but wishes Craig and Edie the best. Edie says that Craig was a hero tonight, and Layla agrees…that while his impressions were terrible, they were cute in a way. Edie suddenly has a change of heart and insists that Layla stays to hear Alan’s performance.
Edie announces that the nuclear meltdown has been averted (drawing confused murmurs from the crowd) and calls up Alan onstage to play his glass harp. He starts performing; it’s…not good, but it could be worse. Edie opens up to Craig about why she loves him, which he suggests she put in a toast.
Zorn points out to Linda how lovey-dovey Craig and Edie are. She says “Screw em,” but Zorn…is genuinely happy for them? Yes, yes he is! He reiterates how Craig and Alan have their soulmates and he doesn’t, but he has hope that he can find someone too. Linda…who’s the friendliest to Zorn that I’ve ever seen…reassures him that someday they’ll both find the right one. “Until then…let’s go bang those two waiters.” Zorn inquires as to whether they’re going the straight or gay route, to which she responds “Whatever.” Good lord, heterosexuality isn’t just assumed anymore?
Credits scene: Craig does more unimpressive impressions.
Comments
You may have noticed there was a four week gap between the last episode and this. I wasn’t watching much primetime television at the time, but I’m almost certain that this was not standard practice. (Nowadays, of course, Fox splits all its scripted shows between Fall and Spring with a scheduled hiatus in between.) This is a pretty clear indication to me that the joyless, cynical, angry approach was not working. This, incidentally, also doomed The Muppets not long prior (which we covered in depth on this board, of course). And much like The Muppets, the producers did a complete midseason overhaul in hopes of salvaging their chances for a second season.
The result…whoa. This had a vastly different tone from even the last two episodes. Zorn, faced with a problem he couldn’t fix by stabbing it or throwing a rock at it, makes an incredibly unwise decision…and not only does he face the consequences of his actions, he almost pays WITH HIS LIFE! Furthermore, even though he clings to his bitter jealousy of Craig to the very end, ultimately he realizes that, just like Radiana, at some point he just has to let go of the past and be happy for him. Wow. That’s more maturity than he’s exhibited in the entire series up to this point.
In fact, in stark contrast to the extremely cynical tone of most of the episodes (The War on Grafelnik…brr) everyone turned out all right. Craig got to be a true hero and save Zorn’s life (…again! 
). Edie learned to allow Alan to grow up. Alan got to perform for three of the most important people in his life, and honestly, I’ve heard worse. Layla got to help out her boyfriend and see him perform. Radiana broke free of a doomed obsession and moved on with her life. Linda forged a true friendship with a man who used to be a complete albatross for her. And Craig and Edie are now officially a couple and there’s no turning back. Man, I just wrote all that and I can barely believe my eyes. This is a positive sea change, something I think didn’t even happened anymore in 2017.
Storywise, this wasn’t all that great. The jokes mostly felt flat (the trumpet fakeout was an eye-roller), the sex stuff was just trashy with no real eroticism, and overall the episode had the feel of a predictable sitcom. But for the first time, I can say that an episode of Son of Zorn was fairly decent. Be better if it didn’t take so damn long to get to this point, but whatever.
Rating
5/10. I didn’t dislike it. One step at a time, right? 