God’s terrific! He dropped a church roof on 34 of his worshippers in Texas last Wednesday night, just as they were groveling through a hymn to his majesty. Don’t you think that felt good?
He’s not crazy. He’s just written that way.
Give up all that good shit you have? Your best seller? That doctor stuff? All that stuff you’re trying so hard to protect? You’d give it up?
We all had these dreams, and then we got jobs to achieve those dreams. But we wanted more money, and we got rid of our dreams. You know, if your 9-year olds saw you guys the way you are, you’d get your butts kicked right now! I mean, look what’s happened to us!
Christmas! Christmas dinner, yeah. Dinner means death. Death means carnage! Christmas means carnage!
I’m not inviting you to the Skating Federation’s annual Christmas party.
Now I have another reason to hate Christmas. The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.
If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you’re gonna be so happy to hear from me, you’re gonna do a goddamn back flip. You’re gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you’re gonna get fucking hat-burn.
This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And in a few years time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?
We’ll get some action here. You’ll see.By tomorrow, this place will be jumping…if I have to call Santa Fe and get the governor out of bed.
We’re growing. Be as big as San Francisco in a few years, and just as sophisticated.
Stop saying that!
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdiiiiiiinck! Humperdinck Humperdinck Humperdinck Humperdinck…
Leslie… don’t behave like that… making a fuss o’er those people. You’re a Texan now.
"Hold on, I’ll prove it!
“THE STARS AT NIGHT… ARE BIG AND BRIGHT…”
clap clap clap clap “DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!”
We’re free. peach pie, you get dressed. We are going out to smell the roses. Oh! Going to town.
This town needs an enema!
The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.
No, no, no Bigfoot here, Sergeant. I was just joking. It’s just a prank.
Can you not joke right now? Don’t joke right now.