I can’t get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.
NINE HUNDRED DOLLARYDOOS? Tobias! Did you accept a six hour collect call from the ‘States?’
Hi, you’ve reached the Corey Hotline. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory… story… allegory… Montessori…
I’ve had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!
Oh I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well if that’s what you think, I have something to tell you… something which may shock and discredit you… and that thing is as follows… I’m not wearing a tie at all!
You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
I have misplaced my pants.
Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!
There’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
Oh, sure, everything is bad if you remember it.
We can’t bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m’shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. “Gimme five bees for a quarter,” you’d say! Now, where were we? Oh yeah – the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. I didn’t have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…
Hello Grampa, my old friend,
Your busy day is at an end.
Your exploits have been sad and boring,
They tell a tale that’s worth ignoring.
When you’re alone, the words of your story
Will echo down the rest-home hall,
'Cause no one at all,
Can stand the sound
Of Grampa.
*Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do, we do!
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do, we do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do!
Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!!! *
Ch-ch-ch-changes. Time to change the oil. Changes! Don’t wanna be an oily man.
Okay, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will!
Great job Nibbles! Now chew through my ball-sack!
Mmmm…sugar walls.
You fool! That was a load-bearing candy cane!
Well, I’m from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase “steamed hams.”
Springfield has moved up to #299 on the list of America’s most livable 300 cities. Take that, East St. Louis!